Pancake City
We live in an age of forgetting.
The Not-So-Great Cookie Caper
Jun 10th
The best laid plans of mice and men go oft awry. Especially if the mouse or man is lazy and likes to browse on the Internet before laying his plan.
My roommate Meghan left a box of peanut butter cookies unattended on the counter. My plan was to remove them all from the box except for one half-bitten cookie, and leave these Post-It notes in the box:
Brilliant, right? I wouldn’t actually eat the cookies. I would hide them in the pantry and give them back when she found the notes. Minus the half-bitten cookie. And the one cookie Box-To-Pantry transfer fee. And one more because I was hungry.
I went upstairs to write the Post-It notes, got slightly distracted, and when I went downstairs the cookies were gone. She was gone too and either hid them or took them with her, so I couldn’t use any of my usual tricks to get cookie access. Tricks like “Do you mind if I take a photo of your cookies?” and “Are those the cookies that got recalled? I’ll take then upstairs and check the label for you on Google.” (Yes, recalled….recalled to my belly!)
I had to settle for hiding the Post-It notes in her room, which is entirely unsatisfying as it has nothing to do with cookies. And I couldn’t use a substitute food, because the cookies were the only junk food she brought in the house in the past month. “Stole your kale!” doesn’t quite have the same ring.
My other roommate, Roo Roo, pointed out that I played a similar but more successful prank on him months ago. Downside: he no longer brings doughnuts home.
Hmm. Maybe it’s for the best this one didn’t work out.
Thanks, Washington Post
Jun 9th
This is my idea of news. From the Washington Post afternoon update:
The article is sparse on details, including answers to these questions:
1. What the…?
2. Really?
3. No, seriously. He saw McGruff the Crime Dog on a street corner and stopped the bus just so he could run out and punch McGruff in the mouth?
I know exactly how this bus driver thinks because I’ve made the same mental error too: not realizing the difference between “Funny in my head” and “Funny in real life.”
Most of my good stories involve a painful memory of when I did something I thought would be hilarious but ended up being mind-numbingly dumb.
One of the first instances was when I was about 8 and I positioned a toy truck on the ledge of my bedroom door so when the next someone opened it, it would fall on their head.
The reason I thought this would be funny is because I saw it in a cartoon, and it was funny in the cartoon, so that meant it would be funny in real life. Q.E.D.
The character in the cartoon used an anvil, but I didn’t have one so I searched my room for something with both comedic potential and the right physical properties to allow it to rest on the width of the door. It’s unlikely this memory is accurate, but I remember it as a miniature Hess gas truck, which when I was playing with my toys I would pretend had the ability to secretly transport the Autobots deep behind Decepticon lines. (When I played with Transformers, the Decepticons were IDIOTS.)
So I set the truck on the door ledge and yelled, “Mom, come in here! I have something to tell you!” A few moments later she opens the door and the truck crashes on the floor in front of her, barely missing her head.
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! THAT COULD HAVE FELL ON MY HEAD AND HURT ME!”
I froze and started to sniffle. “I’m sorry. I thought it would be funny.”
“FUNNY? HOW IN THE WORLD IS THAT FUNNY?”
It’s not that I thought hurting people was funny. I just never got to the “someone will be hurt” part. Actions have consequences, but my brain sometimes detoured before the consequences part and took a hard right towards “Do it do it do it!”
Even today, I still do and say some pretty dumb things that I regret almost instantly. They just come much less frequently than when I was growing up.
I’m sure this bus driver got caught got up in the excitement of his idea and went ahead without thinking about what would happen later. The idea of a bus driver stopping his bus to run out and punch McGruff the Crime Dog is funny. I laughed when I pictured it. But in real-life, underneath McGruff the Crime Dog is McGruff the Off-Duty Police Officer who will take a bite out of your ass.
***
That memory of the toy truck caught me by surprise. Haven’t thought about it in years. Anyone want to share a story of a time you did something you thought would be funny but turned out to go horribly awry?
The Name Game
Jun 8th
I took a free improv class last night, and we started by playing a name game. You say your name, the name of an animal with the same first letter, and make a motion or sound like the animal. Then the group repeats what you did. For example, I was Jason Jackrabbit and nibbled on a carrot.
A woman named Laura went and said “I’m Laura the Leper.” Then she mimed walking uncertainly with her hands in mid air. I laughed and thought, “Wow, that’s cold.”
It wasn’t until I heard her a few more times that I realized she was Laura the Leopard. Oops.
It was interesting how the animals people chose were somewhat reflective of their personalities. Michael the Mouse was on the quiet side. I’m a little timid, like a Jack Rabbit. And Phil the Phoenix spontaneously combusted mid-way through class, and then reappeared wearing a new pair of shoes, so that was appropriate.
Photos and Stuff
May 31st
I’ve been emotionally flat for the past several weeks but just realized it very recently. I think that’s why I haven’t posted much for a while. I’ll save the only-interesting-to-me introspection for my diary, which is me yelling out the window at 3 a.m., but it helps just to write those few sentences. I’m grateful that I don’t feel seriously depressed, and I know I’ll be able to figure out what’s out of tune with myself.
On another note, here are some photos I took in May:
Another Recap!
May 23rd
The reading for my sketch comedy class was yesterday. We had a super audience. The theater was 80% full and they were very generous with their laughter. My sketch was an updated version of Cheaply Made News (pdf link here–formatting it for the blog is a huge pain). I played Merle, an old coot who lives on the CMN roof.
I had small parts in most of my classmates’ sketches too. It was fun, but the experience made me realize how hard acting is. There are a dozen different ways to read every line, and I struggled figuring out the right way (or at least a compelling way) to read most of the lines. Part of me wants to take a beginner’s actor course so I can do a better job next time. I noticed that the people in my class with acting experience could do a cold reading of a script and somehow figure out on the spot a good way to read their lines.
Survive DC 2010 – Recap
May 23rd
I wrote this last week and just realized it got saved as a draft rather than posted (annoying WordPress bug).
***
I did Survive DC for the first time this year. It’s a yearly contest where you try to make it to six checkpoints in DC without getting tagged by a “chaser.” My maximum sustained sprinting time of 15 seconds did not serve me well. My roommate and I got caught several blocks away from the second check point. Being hunted and running from someone chasing you down is an amazing adrenalin rush. Also, when you get tagged, you can become a chaser and catch other contestants. Fun!
Over 1,000 people entered and only 80 made it to the end, so I don’t feel too bad about getting caught early. Next year, I am wearing ninja garb and bringing some smoke bombs and a talking parrot. People will say, “Is that a ninja or a pirate? I do not know so I will not chase him.” And if someone does chase me, I will yell “I’M A NINJA! SMOKE BOMB, BITCHES!” and then throw the aforementioned bomb of smoke. It’s totally going to work.
Weekend Update – SNL Jokes
May 4th
This week’s sketch class assignment was to write a sketch on current events. I wrote a “Weekend Update” sketch (the news jokes SNL does every week). I got some good feedback from my classmates, but I probably won’t revise this one as it has a shelf life of like two days.
***
CAST
Seth Myers
Lance Orton, Street Vendor
Duane Jackson, Street Vendor
SETH: I’m Seth Myers. Welcome to Weekend Update.
SETH: New York City dodged a terrorist attack when a SUV left in Times Square and loaded with propane tanks, timing devices, and over 100 pounds of fertilizer failed to detonate. Police say one reason the car didn’t explode was because the bomber used the wrong type of fertilizer. I think I can speak for all New Yorkers when I say this: thank God he didn’t know about Miracle-Blo.
Image: “Miracle-Blo” fertilizer, modeled after “Miracle Gro.”
SETH: A Pakistani Taliban group claimed responsibility for the attempted attack. Listen. Taliban. Not to give marketing advice to evil terrorist groups, but have you considered not taking credit for screw-ups? If I were you, here’s the press release I would announce: Al Qaeda did it.
SETH: One suspect is a white male in his 40s seen on video leaving the area near the SUV. The man glanced back at the SUV, and then removed his dark shirt, revealing… a red shirt. I’m no Master of Disguise. But that moves only works if the cameras are being used for a 20\20 special on obesity.
Image: Shot of overweight pedestrians with heads and feet out of frame.
SETH: And how does taking your shirt off make you a suspect? If that’s the bar to jump, put out an APB for these guys: Tracey Morgan, Sawyer from LOST. And the entire Abercrombie & Fitch catalog.
Images: Tracey Morgan shirtless, Sawyer from LOST shirtless, group of smiling, shirtless men in black & white on Abercrombie catalog.
SETH: (impersonating Sawyer)” Son-of-a-bitch. This island’s hot.” Seth mimes taking shirt off.
SETH: Joining us to talk about the attempted bombing is Lance Orton Sr., one of the street vendors who notified police about the rigged Nissan Pathfinder.
Audience applause.
ORTON: Shucks, you don’t need to applaud.
SETH: So, Lance. What was it about that SUV that made you suspicious?
ORTON: I worked that corner for 12 years, and I’ve never seen a car left parked and running for more than a few minutes. Also, it had a New York license plate.
SETH: Why was that suspicious?
ORTON: New Yorkers aren’t dumb enough to try to park in Times Square.
SETH: A lot of people are calling you a hero for what you did.
ORTON: I’m no hero. Just glad not to be playing the harp upstairs right now. Listen, Seth. I see you have a lot of papers on your desk.
SETH: I do.
ORTON: You have anything to carry them in?
SETH: Well, no, I just—
Orton pulls out knock-off hand bag.
ORTON: I got real Gucci. 1 for 20, 2 for 35, 3 for 50.
SETH:I don’t really need a–
ORTON: Check out the stitching, Seth. That’s hand-stitched. Straight from Italy. You can’t get this anywhere else. I got Prada, I got Chanel, I got Juicy Cot-or. 1 for 20, 2 for 35, 3 for 50.
Orton pulls out several handbags, puts them on desk. Duane Jackson slides in on a rolling chair. He bumps into Orton.
JACKSON (raspy): Saaaaath! How ya doing?
SETH: It’s Duane Jackson, the other vendor who notified police about the SUV.
Audience applause.
JACKSON: Keep it going for Du-wayne! Yeah!
ORTON: You’re in my spot!
JACKSON: We’ll share. Seth, you know what time it is?
SETH: It’s 12:22.
JACKSON: No, man. It’s 2 a.m.. You need a new watch. I got Rolex. I got Seiko. I got Citizen. 100% real. I’m the mayor of Watch Town. 1 for 15, 2 for 25, 3 for 35.
ORTON: You trying to undercut me? Seth, you don’t want that junk. It’ll fall apart next week. Get yourself’ a nice Prada. 1 for 20, 2 for 35, 3 for 50.
SETH: Guys, stop! Thank you for what you did, but I don’t want a handbag or a watch.
ORTON: I hear you, Seth.
JACKSON: You’re not looking for this type of merchandise.
SETH: No, I’m not.
JACKSON: I understand. That’s why I brought some cock rings. One for 3, 2 for 5, 3 for 7. All colors, all flavors.
Jackson lays out cock rings on table.
SETH: Lance Orton and Duane Jackson, everybody.
Audience applause.
ORTON: Thank you, Seth.
JACKSON: I’m on 48th and 7th !
Orton and Jackson leave.
SETH: In other news. Arizona passed a tough anti-immigration law that allows police to question anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. You sure you want to do this, said these guys?
Image: Native Americans.
SETH: An oil well in the Gulf of Mexico ruptured, creating an oil slick the size of Rhode Island. Emergency crews are dealing with the problem by dragging parts of the spill out to sea and then lighting them on fire. Seriously. That’s the winner. The technique beat out competing ideas, such as sucking the oil out with giant bendy straws, dyeing the oil “sea blue”, and running our cars on Super Premium Seagull.
Images: Giant bendy straws dipped in oil slick, a bottle of “Ocean Blue No. 5”, and a driver pouring a bucket of oil-covered seagulls into her gas tank.
SETH: British Petroleum, the oil company that owns the ruptured well, promised to take full responsibility and…(Seth checks earpiece) they just changed their name.
Image: BP graphic changes to “SunTech” with image of smiling sun saying, “BP? Never heard of them.”
SETH: And that’s the news. I’m Seth Myers.
SotW: Mongrel Heart
Apr 29th
One of the best albums I’ve heard this year is Broken Bells’ self-titled CD “I Used To Be a Hamster, Now I Am a Man.”
Wait, that’s not self-titled at all. It’s “Broken Bells” by Broken Bells, a collaboration between James Mercer, the singer/guitarist for the Shins, and Danger Mouse. Every song ha something appealing about it, and I think many of them are very good to great.
There’s a link to the 9th track, Mongrel Heart, in the sidebar. I love how the song turns a bit starting around the 2:30 mark. The horns remind me of the end of a epic Western.
This isn’t related, but I just found out Crystal Castles released a new CD today. I hope Emusic carries it…
Links
Apr 28th
* Dinner with Bill Murray.
* Nintendo Nostalgia Attack.
* You know there’s a problem when lighting an oil spill on fire is the good solution.
New Feature: PTSIB
Apr 28th
I’d like to announce a new feature on Pancake City. It’s called PUT THAT SHIT IN BOLD. Here’s the first entry:
PUT THAT SHIT IN BOLD.
Thank you.
Gravelly Point HDR Photo
Apr 21st
After many attempts, I finally made a decent HDR photo. It’s of Gravelly Point, the park next to National Airport in DC.
I used my shoe as a make-shift tripod. My shoe was nervous having to take on a duty that completely supplanted everything it knew how to do (i.e. being a shoe) and quavered a little. So the photo’s a little blurry, especially at larger sizes, but that’s easy to fix next time.
If you are wondering what HDR is, this is a good explanation.
Photo-a-Day Still Occuring Daily
Apr 16th
My Photo-a-Day project passed the hundred day mark a week ago. The hardest part has been letting myself take an uninspired photo, or a week’s worth of uninspired photos, and not beat myself up for it. Where does the instinct to improve through self-criticism come from? “Maybe if I keep calling myself a crapster photographer, I’ll turn into a master photographer!”
What’s sick is that I know berating myself is mentally unhealthy…which sometimes results in me beating myself up for beating myself up. My neuroses are self-aware and like to fight with each other.
On the plus side, taking a photo a day has helped me see patterns in how I view the world that I wasn’t conscious of before. The project has also been good motivation to work on my Photoshop skills. I enjoy learning the program and knowing I can turn a bland photos into something half-decent keeps me from getting too frustrated.
As for photos, there’s not much recently I’ve taken that I’ve been proud of, but I do like this one from the field by National Airport. I also tried a new Photoshop technique on an old photo that turned out pretty well (before | after).
Stunt Buddy (sketch)
Apr 13th
This sketch isn’t super, but I haven’t posted in a while so I thought I’d share it.
CHARACTERS
CARL: Mid 30s. Carl’s hope and spirit erodes a little more each year by the growing realization that he is condemmed to live an ordinary life. Carl has a mustache.
TAMMY: Late 20s. Tammy likes blood oranges and fake jade.
ANNOUNCER VO
JINGLE VO
CARL’S STUNT BUDDY, ALBERTO: A charismastic, enthusiastic man who lives a full life with no regrets.
SCENE: Bedroom.
ANNOUNCER VO: Ever wake up and dread going to work?
SFX: Obnoxious alarm clock.
CARL: Uhh..Wish I had a sick day left.
ANNOUNCER VO: You don’t need a sick day. You need a…
CUT TO: White background.
JINGLE VO: STUNT BUDDY!
A man that vaguely looks like Carl cartwheels onto the screen and gives a thumbs-up.
CUT TO: Split screen of Carl talking to 1-800-STUNT-BD operator.
ANNOUNCER VO: Just call 1-800-STUNT-BD, answer a few questions, and a professional stunt double will be sent to your workplace by 9 a.m.
CARL: (groggy) I work at OmniTech. I have a sales presentation at 2. Oh, and I’m avoiding Karen. I got drunk last night and hit on her in front of her boyfriend.
TAMMY: Okay, Mr. Simmons. We’ve loaded up your Facebook profile and are scanning for a match.
Left side: Goofy picture of Carl with his eyes crossed and cheeks puffed out. Dozens of photos flip by until the computer finds a man that vaguely looks like Carl, except without a mustache. Text: Match Found.
CUT TO: Board room. Executives are around board table, listening to Carl’s Stunt Buddy.
ANNOUNCER VO: You stay in bed while your Stunt Buddy does the work.
Carl’s Stunt Buddy, now wearing a fake mustache, is giving a presentation.
CARL’s STUNT BUDDY: And that’s why I think our 3rd quarter will be the best ever.
Executives applaud. Stunt Buddy cathwheels off stage. CUT TO: Office kitchen.
ANNOUNCER VO: Your Stunt Buddy can handle any situation. Work…”
A woman shows baby pictures to her co-workers. Stunt Buddy cartwheels onto screen.
CARL’s STUNT BUDDY: Baby pictures? That’s one of my likes on Facebook!
CUT TO: Funeral house.
ANNOUNCER VO: Funerals.
CUT TO: Stunt Buddy cartwheels to podium.
CARL’s STUNT BUDDY: Grandpa Murray was a great man.
Stunt Buddy cartwheels away. CUT TO: Front porch.
ANNOUNCER VO: Even breakups.
CARL’s STUNT BUDDY: I’m sorry, Mandy. I’m just not the type of guy who can stick with one woman.
Stunt Buddy cartwheels away. CUT TO: Offer screen.
ANNOUNCER VO: So call 1-800-STUNT-BD today. When you need more “me time”, we’ll provide the me.
Recent Comments