Pancake City
We live in an age of forgetting.
This Poster Does A Body Good
Feb 18th
I couldn’t concentrate in my sketch writing class last Sunday. Our usual classroom was taken, so we went downstairs to the school cafeteria. On the wall was this poster: More >
Winter Olympics, Snowboarding
Feb 18th
How the hell did we convince the Olympics to include snow boarding as an event? I like it, but that’s like if we convinced the world to include American football in the summer games. Or if India got the Olympics to accept cricket as a sport. The standard dress for men’s snowboarding is baggy pants. We have an advantage. One of the Americans who won did a trick never done before in Olympic competition. The only things missing are playing metal on the speakers during competition and launching fireworks after each run.
I’m not watching much of the Olympics. The main reason is that almost every news web site announces the results as they happen, as in hours before the events are televised on NBC. For example, the Washington Post shows them on the front page. It’s impossible to avoid.
Also, although I’m gay, I’m not a fan of ice skating. That’s 50% of the Olympics there. The rest is 30% snow shit, and 20% ice shit. The only winter Olympic sport I’d go out of my way to watch is ice hockey, and even that one I can live without seeing.
Are you watching the Olympics? If so, what are you watching?
Mother Jones, Letter to the Editor
Feb 17th
From the March\April issue of Mother Jones. Never has the weight of authority been invoked and then dashed so quickly:
[letter]
Ginger Kathrens
Executive director
The Cloud Foundation
Ringling, Ringling, Barnum, & Bailey (sketch)
Feb 15th
Someone in my sketch writing class yesterday had a sketch where the punchline was the post’s title. It gave me the idea for this:
CHARACTERS
Charles Hill, 40s
Karen Crenshaw, 40s
Scene: Office.
RECEPTIONIST VO: “Ms. Crenshaw is here.”
CHUCK: Please send her in.
(Karen enters.)
CHUCK: Hi Karen. I’m Chuck. Welcome to Ringling, Ringling, Barnum & Bailey. Hope you found the place okay.
KAREN: Yes. Is the ring out front always on fire?
CHUCK: Only during business hours. Have a seat. (They sit). So, you mentioned on the phone you were looking for a lawyer to help you with a divorce.
KAREN: Yes, I…I don’t know how much you want to know. I found out last month my husband was cheating on me.
CHUCK: I’m so sorry.
KAREN: Yeah. Excuse my language, but my husband’s a bastard. I need someone who experienced, tough, and is going to tear him apart.
CHUCK: I have the perfect guy for you. His name is Ben. Graduated from Harvard law, with honors. Absolutely ferocious in the court room. Never lost a case.
KAREN: He sounds great. Let’s set up a meeting.
CHUCK: One more thing. Just so you’re not surprised. He’s a dancing bear.
KAREN: (puzzled) He dances with bears?
CHUCK: No. He dances, and he’s a bear. Literally a bear. Juggles a bit, but mostly just likes to dance. And he’s a bear.
KAREN: I don’t understand. You said he never lost a case. How does he practice law?
CHUCK: Well…he’s never lost because all of his cases end in mistrials. After the first few hours, he usually ends up eating one of the jurors, maiming the judge, or peeing on the courtroom floor and then hibernating in his own piss.
KAREN: How does he even get in the court room?
CHUCK: Oh, he wears a suit. Now, this will be tricky, but if we can get your husband to be the first witness and somehow smear him with honey and berries, Ben might “tear him apart” before the bailiff realizes what’s going on.
KAREN: No! I don’t want to kill my husband. I just want a divorce without losing the house or the kids.
CHUCK: Oh….
KAREN: I’ll cut to the chase. I came here because I saw your ad and I don’t have a lot of money.
CHUCK: Three-ring performance for a one-ring price.
KAREN: But I need a human lawyer. A good human lawyer. Do you have any non-bear lawyers working here?
CHUCK: Let me check. (Chuck puts on a top hat and taps his laptop keys with a pointer for a few moments.) Okay…okay…and….we’re all bears.
(Karen gathers her belongings.)
KAREN: You know, your ads are very deceptive. Someone is going to sue you one day.
CHUCK: Actually Ms. Crenshaw, when you have a team of lawyers that is 100% bears, no one sues you. If you change your mind and decide you need a mistrial or party entertainment, give me a call.
KAREN: Hmmph.
(Karen walks out. Phone rings)
CHUCK: Chuck Hill. Yes, JoJo. I’ll bring your honey jar right away.
Thoughts: I originally planned to taking the circus lawyer theme farther. “Dancing bear not good? How about a bearded lady? She connects with both men and women in the jury. No? How about a…” But I couldn’t think of anything funnier than a bear lawyer and though the skit would drag if I extended it. Maybe in a future version I’ll ad a quick back-and-forth where Chuck keeps suggesting different circus animals. “Moonla’s a real tiger in court.” “Is that because she’s an actual tiger?” “Okay, scratch that….”
Horribly Drawn Cartoons Returns!
Feb 13th
It has been a few years, but I have pulled my pen out of retirement to make another Horribly Drawn Cartoon. Below the jump…
The Limit (sketch, reality show)
Feb 13th
HOST VO: On the next episode of The Limit, the final three contestants face their hardest eating challenge yet.
HOST: Tayna. Bo. Tranny Granny. I hope you have a big appetite. Because you’re eating maggots.
Host lifts lid of maggot pot. Tayna yawns.
BO: Let’s do this!
HOST: Hold on, Bo. These aren’t ordinary maggots. These maggots have AIDS.
TAYNA: Can you get AIDS from the maggots?
HOST: Only if you already have herpes.
TAYNA: Whatever.
HOST VO: Things heat up in the Rompin’ Room when Bo makes a confession.
BO: I totally filmed us having sex and uploaded it to the Internet.
TAYNA: Whatever.
BO: You cool with that?
TAYNA: Yeah. Did you put it on my sex site?
BO: When you say sex site, it makes me want to have sex.
Bo and Tayna make out.
HOST VO: And the final challenge before Judgment Court will push everyone to…the limit.
Tayna, Bo, and Tranny Granny are dressed as clowns. A table of pies is near them. A group of scared kids are tied together.
HOST: Ready? Aim?
BO: Let’s do thiiiis!
CUT TO: Graphic.
HOST VO: Next on The Limit. We’ll find it eventually.
SotW: “Odessa”
Feb 11th
* I’m digging “Odessa” from Caribou’s upcoming album Swim. It’s tense and catchy. I just heard about the blog that’s hosting the song, Pasta Primavera, but on first impression it’s a good music blog. The two tracks they feature from Four Tet’s new album are great choices (“Angel Echoes” is also a good track).
* I got Yeasayer’s new album, Odd Blood, a few days ago. The quality is similar to their last album–two great songs, a handful of pretty good songs, and the rest is so-so.
Storm Warning \ Watch \ Pondering
Feb 8th
I still get confused over what’s worse: a storm warning or a storm watch. Usually, watch signals more immediacy than warn. If a car is about to hit your friend, you wouldn’t say “Beware the incoming car,” you’d say “Watch out for that car!” You watch things that are going on in the present, like watching a TV show, and give warnings about things that may happen (“Stomp your feet one more time and I’ll…)
But that’s not how they roll in storm school. A storm warning is more serious than a storm watch. Watch is used to mean “keep an eye out for”, like a guard on the night watch. And warning, as far as I can tell, in storm talk means “You’re about to get fucked.”
By the way, a winter storm warning was just issued for D.C.
I think we need clearer storm warnings. Instead of “storm watch, ” if a storm may hit but we’re not positive it will, it should be “smells like a storm”. Instead of “storm warning”, if a storm will hit but hasn’t hit yet, it should be a “storm a-coming.” And both notices should always be delivered by an unflappable elderly farmer in overalls called Old Pete.
“Hey, Pete. What’s the weather look like tomorrow? Smells like a storm?”
“Oh, I’d say it’s more than a smell. Storm’s a-coming, you can bet your hat on it, I say.”
I’d certainly trust a weather forecaster named Old Pete more than some named Topper Shutt. What the hell’s a Topper? On another note, how soon is it before the D.C. area goes completely ape shit over the amount of snow we’re getting? Overall, people have handled the weather well,
You Got One of Those (Sketch)
Feb 7th
CAST
CLERK
AL
FRANKIE
Scene: Hardware store.
CLERK: How are you?
AL: I’m good. Real good. Hey, what type of tape you got?
CLERK: Lots. Electrical tape. Duct tape. Masking tape. Depends. What do you need it for?
FRANKIE: That’s none of your business.
AL: Frankie! [to clerk] We’re both stressed out because of our deadline. We need something with good sound absorbing qualities.
CLERK: We don’t have any tape specifically for absorbing sound, but duct tape’s pretty thick. There’s some on the end stand.
Frankie grabs duct tape. He pulls off a piece and puts it over his mouth.
FRANKIE: Mmmmph! Mmmmph!
Frankie makes thumbs up sign.
AL: Get that off. [to clerk] Sorry, he’s a goofball. A few more things. You sell rope?
CLERK: They’re in a few different places. Rigging is in aisle 2. Nylon in aisle 8. And heavy-duty camo in 22. Sorry, we’re still reorganizing the store.
AL: Which one of those is best for tying two things together?
CLERK: Like?
AL: Like tying the hands of a bear.
FRANKIE. Yeah, heh heh heh heh. A bear. In the woods. Where no one can hear us. Heh heh heh, that’s funny.
AL glares at Frankie.
AL: Do you want to go to the woods?
FRANKIE: Al, I was just kidding.
AL: I’m not. Now shut up. [to clerk] We really do appreciate your help.
CLERK: Yeah, look, it sounds like you guys need nylon. Aisle 8. It’s time for my break, so if you guys don’t need anything else…
AL: One more thing. Do you have any heavy-duty trash bags?
CLERK: What do you mean by ‘heavy-duty’?
AL: Something that could hold a large object. About six feet tall.
CLERK: Like a six-foot bear?
FRANKIE: Yeah, like a six-foot bear.
AL: No, not like a six-foot bear. Because bears are taller than six-feet, and a six-foot bear would be ridiculous.
FRANKIE: Well, they got to be six-feet at some point. They don’t start at four-feet and jump up to eight-feet.
AL: Frankie, I swear to God.
FRANKIE: Okay, okay. I got this, Al. We’re looking for something you could fit six one-foot midgets in.
AL: Mother of Mary.
CLERK: I don’t think midgets come that small.
FRANKIE: These aren’t midgets. They’re dolls of midgets.
CLERK: Well, you can fit six one-foot doll midgets into any large trash bag.
FRANKIE: These are dolls of midgets, glued standing on each other’s shoulders, so they’re equivalently six-feet tall.
CLERK: Gotcha. Aisle 6. They’re the body bags, above the regular trash bags.
AL: They’re called body bags?
CLERK: We don’t judge here at the Home Depot.
I’ll probably revise the end in a few days, but I can’t think of anything better right now.
Daily Sketch
Feb 5th
VOICE: Hey, where’s your daily sketch?
ME: This is it.
VOICE: This can’t be your daily sketch. This is a skit about writing a sketch.
ME: Yes, but it’s also a sketch. In fact, I’m going to cast it and put it on YouTube.
VOICE: Whose going to play you?
ME: Me.
VOICE: Walked into that one. And whose going to play a disembodied voice in your head?
ME: Ernest Borgnine.
VOICE: Do you know anything about Ernest Borgnine?
ME: Yes. He was in one of the early episodes of Simpsons.
VOICE: Do you know anything else about him?
ME: Yes. He sounds exactly like this.
ERNEST BORGNINE: I like crackers.
VOICE: You’re making this up. Your entire Ernest Borgnine knowledge consists of one episode of the Simpsons that you saw over fifteen years ago.
ERNEST BORGNINE: Row, Homer, row! I’ve got to get me some Skittles.
VOICE: That’s not even close to the quote. And if people could hear the Borgnine voice in your head right now, they wouldn’t be very impressed.
ME: Yeah, he’s starting to turn into Leslie Nielsen.
ERNEST BORGNINE NIELSEN: And don’t call me sherry.
VOICE: It’s Shirley! Don’t call me Shirley.
ME: Okay, Edna.
EDNA the VOICE: I’m out of here.
ME: See you tomorrow.
VOICE: You want me to tell them what voice you thought of after you changed my name to Edna?
ME: I’d prefer not.
HE-MAN: I HAVE THE POWER!!!
ME: I don’t think the Internet needed to know that.
Pancake City Snow News
Feb 5th
Movieless Family Forced To Talk To Each Other
My roommate said the line at Blockbuster was to the end of the store.
Of Age (Sketch)
Feb 4th
CAST
TOM (Customer)
CARL (Assistant Manager)
CO-WORKER
Tom is scanning items at self-checkout in supermarket. He scans a six-pack of beer and a yellow light flashes. CARL, assistant manager at the supermarket, approaches.
CARL: Your I.D. please?
Tom is unaware Carl is there and continues scanning.
CARL: Sir, I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D.
CUT TO: Outside store. Tom is walking to his car.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D.
CUT TO: Outside Tom’s car.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. sir. I need to see your I.D.
Tom unlocks door. Tom and Carl get in.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. I—
CUT TO: Tom’s house. Tom and his family are eating dinner.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. sir. I need to see your I.D. I need..oh, thank you. [Daughter passes him mashed potatoes.] I need to see your I.D. I need–
CUT TO: Bedroom. Carl is in bed with Tom and his wife.
CARL: –to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D. Sir. I need to see your I.D.
CUT TO: Bathroom. Tom is showering. Carl, clothed, is in shower with him.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. sir. I need to see your I.D. I need to–
CUT TO: Conference room. Tom is giving a presentation.
TOM: Our sales were down 5% last quarter, but considering the industry as a whole is down 20%, things could be worse.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D. Sir, if I could see your I.D.
CO-WORKER: Carl, who is that guy?
Tom turns to Carl and is startled, as if seeing him for the first time.
CARL: Sir, I need to see your I.D.
TOM: Oh, O.K.
Tom take his I.D. out and shows it to Carl. Carl looks it over.
CARL: Thanks.
Carl stands uncomfortably in front of Tom’s co-workers and then slinks off screen. He pops back in to grab a doughnut, then leaves.
Snow!
Feb 4th
- Went to Giant around 3:00 p.m. today. Lines five carts deep. The checker, beyond the point of caring, told me “I hope we run out of food.”
- Any way we can all agree to call the snowstorm, “Weekend at Bernie’s II”?
- NPR said the reason we’re having so much snow this season is because of El Nino. When will NPR stop blaming the Mexicans for everything?
Request for Advice
Feb 3rd
So I’ve been writing this blog for over 6 years now, and the fact that I only have about 2 dozen regular visitors is a good sign that I suck at self-promotion.
My writing isn’t at the level yet where I’m writing one hilarious post after another. So it’s no grand injustice that relatively few people read what I write. But I feel it’s good enough to warrant, say, 100 regular readers.
I’d like your advice on ways I can promote my blog entries. Publicity isn’t my strength, so I’d appreciate whatever ideas you have, however big or small. That includes writing tips, ways to improve the design of the blog, how to get content noticed, and so on. If you have a blog, where did most of your readers come from? (I’m calling you out, lacochran).
When you have a chance, leave a comment with your thoughts or suggestions. Thanks!
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