I Scream When I Melt

There’s often a “Frosty’s Heating and Cooling” van driving around my neighborhood. It’s the adult version of an ice-cream truck. If I owned the company, I’d change the name to “Frosty and Sunny’s Heating and Cooling” because there’s no way I’m taking heating advice from a guy named Frosty. Cooling, yes—Frosty knows his stuff about cooling. But heating? Ridiculous.

SHIVERING MOM: “Is it fixed?”
FROSTY: “All done.”
SHIVERING MOM: “But it’s still freezing in here.”
FROSTY: “Are you kidding? My carrot nose almost fell off, and I just left a clump of my ass in the kitchen. “

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

Whimsical signs, mean signs, taffy signs, and my favorite sign. Link from #!/usr/bin/grl.

Roommate Hunt

I am looking for a roommate. The old one got arrested for cocaine trafficking by the DEA last weekend. Or he moved out. I forget. This is the ad for the place. If you find me a roommate, I will give you a cupcake.

My Mom is looking for someone to rent her house in Rockville. Rent is $1650 and it is a five-minute walk from the Rockville Metro. There is also an ad for this place, and that ad can be found here. Just kidding. Here. If you find my Mom a family to rent her house, I will take you out to dinner to The Melting Pot or a similar-quality restaurant.

Thump Thump Thump

On a staircase at a parking garage, I saw a sign that said "Warning! Slippery while wet."

Is there anything that's not slippery while wet? This sign is essentially saying, "Warning! Cement-based staircase does not mitigate slippery property of water when said water rests on surface."

What would be an interesting sign is "Not slippery while wet." This staircase of the future would have hot air steamers underneath the concrete or Velcro seeds that sprout immediately when wet. And---this is the most important part--it would be a moving staircase. But not like an escalator, because that has already been done.

Do you know the story of the man who tried to jump in his pants to save time? Although that was stupid, when are architects going to start putting roofless moonbounces under windows so people can exit quicker?

L.A. Traffic

On the way to San Francisco, I saw a sign that said, “Magic Mountain Parkway Congested.” Except it wasn’t an electronic sign, or a sign with hinges that could easily be changed. It was a permanent sign. And sure enough, at 7:30 in the morning, with light traffic on the highway, a line of brake lights led to the exit for Magic Mountain Parkway.

Everyone assumes magic is fantastical, but to me, the ability to stay congested 24 hours a day is at least as wondrous as anything Gandalf or Nostradamus ever did. Okay, maybe not Gandalf. But it definitely trumps Siegfried and Roy.