Headlines

In Va., Parties Focus on Turnout
Wha...? Political parties try to get people to polls? Virgina winner decided by votes? Ye gods, what happened to tradition of yore: selecting a townsmith based on the plumpness of his grandest goose?

Lawmakers Might Use Clout to Get Hospital Funding
Plan B: Use clot.

Artificial Joint Makers Lobby Hospitals Vigorously
Joint makers shake fists in jarring, stilted fashion.

Writers Str...see ya!
(Original headline: Writer Strike Set for Monday)

Sugar Industry Expands Influence
Sugar to appear in NutraSweet, diabetic ice-cream, salt. You can't stop the sugar. No one can stop the sugar. Except...

"VO: Coming this summer. A sugar industry infiltrated by terrorists. A people addicted and under siege. All hope is lost. Except for one man."

(Visual: A wood door explodes, creating a cloud of dust and debris. Through the cloud steps Christopher Walken, holding a machine gun and weighed down by several ammo belts.)

WALKEN: "I gotta say, the door. I was expecting more of a BOOM than a KA-POW."

VO: "Christopher Walken is...Sweet Justice."

Too Lazy To Do Much Else (Headlines)

Armed men steal four priceless paintings from French museum
They are going to be pissed when they try to sell them. “Are you kidding me? No price?”

Author Says It's Easy, Healthy Building Green
Author: Kermit the Frog.

Oldest Profession Flourishes in China
Someone in the News Control department is getting fired.

Headline: News Headlines All Under One Headline

I tagged all of my headline posts .

Headlines

Man accused in Letterman kidnap plot escapes from prison
Top Ten reasons to improve prison security...

Dinosaurs Died Agonizing Deaths
Yay! The front page of Yahoo has all the kid-friendly articles.

Shuttle Atlantis Chasing Space Station
Hey, have you seen my space wallet? I could of sworn I tethered it to the table. I don't know, nothing. I checked the instruments, Space Station came over to visit, and ....SPACE STATION! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!

The Battle of the Grills
This is false advertising by The Washington Post. I had every reason to think this article was about rappers.

WP Headlines

Alleged Cyber-Stalker Served With E-Lawsuit
Faces up to 1001 years in E-Jail

Leagues Unite to Battle Drugs
Justice League, Fantastic Four promise to render upon drugs holy mutant justice

No Neutral Ground in War Over Lyme Disease
We can’t even talk about tics without phrasing it as a war? It’s a disease, not a car bomb. “You’re either with us or against us.” Who’s the opposition, Scientologists?

• SCIENTOLOGIST1: “Hey, guys. Want to be against Lyme Disease?”
• SCIENTOLOGIST2: “Why the heck not? Send a memo to Tom, tell him they’re from the planet Lymos, and add it to the pile."
  

Gilmore' Fans Unhappy With Abrupt Ending?
Lovely. Two things I don’t give a shit about in one headline.

Deputy Attorney General Announces Resignation
That's senior official #4. Is anyone left? I envision Gonzalez sitting alone at his desk in a dusty, sunlight room. A squeak echoes through the halls. “Someone there? I’m free if you want to talk. I bought some jelly beans. They’re on my desk. Come on in. Hello?”

Science Headlines

Astronomers Find Distant, Fluffy Planet
Astronomers are just making stuff up now. "Yeah, there's like this planet that's made of cotton candy, but it's really far away, so only we can see it. And the planet likes astronomers a lot and says we're the coolest and he's our best friend so you should stop making fun of us.

Pluto is Now Just a Number: 134340
Why don't we just put Pluto in an internment camp while we're at it, you heartless bastards?

Sad vs. Absurd

Kitten who helped nab phony vet is killed by car

Well, at least the vet didn't kill her.

Headlines

Nevada passes rules to make boxing safer
Rule #1: No boxing.

Trees could grow in Antarctica within century
Finally: hope for the environment. Who says the environment is in trouble now, Al Gore?

Iran Referred to Security Council
Watch out, Iran. Once the motion passes the Secondary Meeting Committee, the First Teritary Committee, and the Head Auxillary Minor Major Committee, the First Pre-Meeting Meeting Committee is going to have a field day on you.

Cyber Security Post Still Unfilled (after a year)
What? It takes less time to find someone to work the fry machine at McDonalds.

Headline...

Bear attack victim loved nature, hated bears, dad says
Okay, I added the "hated bears" part.

This was on the front page of Yahoo. I think they're testing the waters for Summer of the Bear.

Mini-Headlines

Bush to Iraqis: Time to get a government
1. Direct quote: "Git r done!"
2. What a douche bag.

Prosecutors: Moussaoui killed with lies
Did the headline writer have to word this like lyrics from an 80s hair band ballad? "You killed my heart! You killed my cries! You killed it all / With Your Dirty Damn Lies"

Mini-headlines

Bush: U.S. must resist temptation to quit Iraq
Brokeback Mountain reference? The headline writer is having too much fun.

Headlines

U.S. may reduce its defense of Iceland
Yeah, that’s real smart. Play right into the hands of Greenland. WHY DON’T WE JUST GIVE AL-QAEDA THE BOMB WHILE WE’RE AT IT!

Lance Armstrong comforts Dana Reeve's son
Then issues press release about it?

Marijuana again tied to memory problems
Wonder why they forgot their findings the first time.

Icy 'super-Earth' discovered by astronomers
A “super-Earth” wouldn’t be icy. It would be lush and green everywhere except for M&M Forest, and in that place would be all the colors of the rainbow except red, because there’s no cancer on Super Earth.

The first ten feet of the ocean is heated to 68 degrees, and you can see 150 feet to the bottom everywhere, except for Dr. Pepper Sea , which people are NOT allowed to swim in. Also, some of the trees would be ninja trees. And if Super Earth is ever attack by alien invaders, its people will be terribly frightened, at least for the 5 seconds it takes for Super Earth to switch its volcanoes from “Cotton Candy Spewing Mode” to “Instant Death Rocket Firing Mode.”

Headlines

Depression, heart disease often connected
Great. Now I’m more depressed.

Fresh violence kills at least 30 in Iraq
Mmm! Fresh violence. The eggs and bacon for the news media.

Bush confident bin Laden will be captured
I’m glad to see 2001 Bush is back. Dead or alive, beardie! Two-thousand two Bush had me worried (“I truly am not that concerned with him”).

Blog, I Missed You!

I lost track of how long it has been since I updated the blog. The hard part is starting to write. Writing for me is pretty enjoyable after the first few minutes.

News Headlines

Bin Laden vows he won't be caught alive - tape
Apparently, he won’t be caught on video without makeup either.

Federline says he's ready for rapper backlash
Oh, no you’re not. Comedians haven’t been this excited since Vanilla Ice tried to do something besides "Ice, Ice, Baby".

Bin Laden vows he won't be caught listening to Federline’s CD
See?

Planet's Population to Hit 6.5 Billion Saturday
Keep on screwing, people. We have a deadline to meet.

Bush Outlines 'Forward Strategy for Freedom'
Anyone see the problem in that he felt it necessary to include 'forward"? For most presidents, it kind of comes with the word "strategy". They used to be buddies.

France Captured in a Headline

Face Transplant Patient Smokes Again

...

On the cover of a "special" edition of Newsweek:

AMERICA'S HOTTEST COLLEGES!

"Woo hoo! Show your tits, Princeton!"

"It's Colleges Gone Wild. [cue island music] You won't believe what these colleges will do to get your tuition money."

..

One of the headlines at the Washington Post site was "Redskins Interested in Playoffs."

You know what I'm interested in? Winning a million dollars. Doesn't mean it's going to happen.

...

The problem with the headline, "Gamma storm toll in Honduras rises to 32" is that while it's a horrible natural disaster, I can't help thinking of the Fantastic Four.

Man Dies After 49 Hours of Computer Games

The title of this news article should have been "Wimp Dies After 49 Hours of Computer Games". Two straight days of playing computer games is nothing. Before I busted my hemorrhoid dough nut, I could play for a week straight. Napping is for load screens.

Just two...

Pope makes first appearance at window
Yes! Silly Pope headlines are back!

William Bell, creator of TV soaps, dies
Rumor has it his death was faked and he's coming back next season.

Cause I like easy jokes...

Redskins Owner Ordered Removal of Trees
Where's the Lorax when you need him?

Lawyers: BTK suspect claims depression
Well, yeah. He got caught.

More Mercury Found at Cardozo
D.C. public schools are so dysfunctional that even their problems are screwed up. One week they're cleaning mercury off the floor, the next week Godzilla is eating the music department...

From the Instant Comedy Division of Pancake City

Headlines!

Judge finds spouse, mom dead at Ill. home
Is this a news story or the slug line for a upcoming movie? "They took his family. They took his friends. Now it's time for him to administer justice...from the Court of Ass Kicking. Sean Connery is: The Judge.

Telecom Mogul Held in Tax Case
Suspect held in custody; still only gets one phone call.

DeLay PAC Case Goes to Trial
DeLay's delays fail to delay: Packs of PAC lawyers descend on court.

AARP Pitches for Older Workers
It's nice to know the Department of Obvious is still working overtime.

Cardinal Says Pope Spoke in Two Languages
Is this the new standard for judging one's health? Are 80% of Americans considered to be on life support? "Get a defilibrator in here! This man thinks "oui" has to do with the toilet."

A Few Washington Post Headlines

Council Chides Duncan on Costs
"$3.99 for half a dozen donuts? That's ridiculous."

Frost Drops Out of DNC Race
Now one-on-one contest between Dean, Ice Balls.

Redskins Drop New Payment Policy
Blood of first-born no longer required. Second born acceptable with deposit.

Chickenpox Cases Decline Sharply
Replaced with new, fearsome "Deathpox" cases.

(Live after the speech) Instant Analysis Discussion
Headline collapses under weight of own oxymoron-inity

News Fun

"Inch of snow cripples North Carolina's capital." Finally. A city that even D.C. can make fun of.

Police Probe Allegation Against Bill Cosby" (read the 1st two paragraphs and check out the photo they chose)

Headlines That Aren't Quite Assuring

Company says it collected brains ethically (article link)

Great Headlines in Newspaper History

Terrorists May Use Lasers, U.S. Says

Hey, guys? The election is over. YOU CAN STOP USING FEAR TO PUNCH RATIONAL THOUGHT IN THE STOMACH ANY DAY NOW.

The article is about how there have been "two or three cases" (hey, who's counting?) of a laser beam shining in the cockpits of planes as the pilots are landing.

There is only one solution to this new terrorist menace. A 67 million dollar program to cover every cockpit window with a solid black "laser protection" shield, preferably installed by Haliburton, although in dangerous times like these, any Republican donor will do.

(Side note: Blogger's spell check suggestion for "Haliburton" is "half-hearted.")

Super Size Me

I just saw Super Size Me. Then, five minutes later, I read this news story. My, how things have changed.

Quick Quiz

Real headlines or fake:

Cheney Says U.S. More Likely To Be Attacked If Kerry Is Elected

Cheney Says Soviets Might Be Around if Kerry Had Led

Cheney Says We'd All Be Eating Bratwurst and Backerbsen If Kerry Had Been President

Cheney Says....

Make your own!

Local Man Definitely Moving To Canada This Time If Bush Wins

Madison, WI-- Dwayne Jones announced to his roommates yesterday that if President Bush gets reelected, he is "definitely move to Canada" this time.

"I'm outta here, man" said Jones. "If the dude is still in the White House on Nov. 3^rd, start looking for a new roommate."

Jones, who previously said he would move to Canada after the 2000 election, the invasion of Iraq, and the first Presidential debate, claims his strengthened resolve will carry him through.

"I'm fucking serious this time," said Jones. "I called my friend in Vancouver yesterday and he said it would be totally cool if I came up to chill. And my sister has a suitcase she almost never uses that I could borrow."

In spite of Jones' enthusiasm, some of his roommates remain skeptical about Jones' plans.

"He's always saying he's going to leave for Canada," said Andrew Griffin. "He can't even leave the Xbox. And he keeps turning up the heat to 75 degrees when I'm not looking. How's he going to survive in Canada?"

If Jones has heard any of this criticism, he has not let it sway him. During a commercial break for Half-Baked on Comedy Central, Jones visited the Greyhound website, bookmarked the site, and made a note to check the price on a one-way fare once the movie was over.

WP Headlines

Bush Tax Cuts Scrutinized
Liberal media apologizes, promises to construct time machine, set dial to "Relevant".

NASA Plans for Hubble Fix
Secret documents reveal Hubble to go down in third; Don King professes innocence.

Wal-Mart in Talks to Build D.C. Store
Store to be half the size of city; White House will be moved to lumber aisle.

Unlisted Verizon Numbers Made Public
Verizon apologizes, promises to borrow liberal media's time machine.

Md. Doctors Ask to Go Insurance-Free
Crazy doctors also ride bicycles without helmets, demand whole milk with cappuccinos.

Fox Attack Alarms Va. Community
O'Reilly spotted frosting at mouth; Brit Hume disoriented, dangerous.

Lost Laurel & Hardy Film Is Found
On first viewing, reel pops out of protector, whacks toupee from head of snotty professor.

WP Headlines

9/11 Plot Vetted by Bin Laden
See? Vetted. It's everywhere. It's the new "Kiss my grits."

O'Brien to Leave 'Access Hollywood'
Cites contractual dispute, co-hosts calling his reporting "O'crap."

Al Qaeda-Iraq Link Dismissed
Cheney acknowledges error, admits he should have stuck with original "Al Qaeda-Kevin Bacon-Iraq" link. Rues Cheney: "When you're making a Truth Sandwich, you can't leave out the Bacon."

Retired Diplomats Assail Bush Team
Retired diplomats join active diplomats, part-time diplomats, career diplomats, temporary diplomats, wipe you feet on the diplomat, the cast of Sesame Street, and other people who hate freedom.

WP Headlines, Stuff

I haven't posted in a while because my last post was number 666, and I wanted to enjoy the magic. I also started a part-time job dog walking, which has given me many good stories, but has cut into my free time.

Washington Post Headlines

Snoop Dogg Files for Divorce
Says Dog, "I'm breaking off with you, g."

President Vows to Raze Abu Ghraib Prison in Iraq
Four to one odds he didn't use the word "raze".

Call to Rally Lacks Answers
"Hello?" "Hey, this is George. Come to my rally. No time to explain." [click]

Dionne: Election Mistakes to Avoid
Leading list: losing, taunting press to discover your floozy

The Cola Wars Go Low-Carb
"Can O' Blubber", "Carb Destroyer Xtreme (Now With More Acid!)" flies off shelves

Loudoun Leaders Hear Stadium Plan
Developers throw rocks at leaders' windows at night, plead for love, large tax breaks

GOP Creating Own '527' Groups
Groups like "Fox News", "The Rush Limbaugh Show," "Hannity and..." oh.


Do your own. It's easy! Try:

Soldiers' Doubts Build as Duties Shift

It's Another Edition of...

Secret World of Interrogation
New Disney ride to open Jan. 2005

Inflation, Rate Fears Depress Markets
"And I'm fat!" wails Markets.

Southwest Enters US Airways Hub
Hubba hubba! Tap dat hub!

MCI to Cut 7,500 Jobs
Company doing fine, just really enjoys cutting jobs.

Angler Catches Snakehead in Va.
Snakehead then tied to leash, put on frying pan and threatened to be sautéed with garlic and butter.

Senate Shifts Focus on Abuse Probe
Focused shifted to renegade private that cloned himself, committed all the crimes, and then spontaneously combusted. Problem solved!

Bush: Rumsfeld Doing 'Superb Job'
Bush: IHOP Pancakes "Amazing"; IKEA Tables "World-Class".

Kerry Addresses Health Care Costs
"Why you gotta be so high, baby? I know you're uptight. Come on down, sugar. I have the oil. The candle lights are lit. I'll give you a Kerry Kerry good massage.

Less Should Be More at Preakness
Up is down, wrong is right in crazy world of Preakness.

Dizziness: Common, Hard to Live With
Spouse: "He's always breaking furniture and spilling beer on the carpet."

It's another edition of...

Washington Post Headlines!

War May Require More Money Soon
War is like a college kid.

Iraq's Olympic Leader Faces Herculean Tasks
Slaying hydra, holding world up just preliminaries

Fed Head's Upbeat Report Stirs Fears
Disembodied head makes investors uneasy

MCI Must Keep Hold on Customers
Potential roadblock: "Must Keep Customers on Hold" policy.

AOL Chief to Focus on Growth
Contrast from previous chief, James "I'm Taking This Company Down With Me" Penzon.

New Darth Vader Costume on DVD
Costume shrunk, shaped into doughnut.

Must...resist...easy...joke

"McDonald's Corp. Chairman and Chief Executive Jim Cantalupo died of an apparent heart attack on Monday in Florida...." (article from Yahoo)

Bad situation, good quote

Scott Kirwin, a computer consultant in Wilmington, Del., was a contract worker for J.P. Morgan Chase for about three years when he was told he was being let go. He says the contract was ended so that Indian workers could replace him. He was asked to train the replacements, he says, in order to keep getting a paycheck.

"You feel like you're the guy wearing the red shirt on Star Trek," Scott Kirwin, a computer consultant in Wilmington, Del., was a contract worker for J.P. Morgan Chase for about three years when he was told he was being let go. He says the contract was ended so that Indian workers could replace him. He was asked to train the replacements, he says, in order to keep getting a paycheck.

"You feel like you're the guy wearing the red shirt on Star Trek," says Kirwin, referring to characters who often died on the TV show. (from USA Today)

Scariest Headline I've Seen in a While

"Ordinary Americans asked for advice on space missions"

Washington Post Headlines

Guerrero Picks Angels Over O's
Other things Guerrero picks over O's: lotto numbers, nose.

More Passenger Data Sought
Says Secretary Ridge, "The day we don't know whether they ordered chicken or fish, the terrorists win."

Fox Backs Immigration Plan
"Let the chickens in, " says Fox. "Wolf and I will take good care of them."

Alternate Va. Tax Plan Offered
Republicans' "Warner Pays Everything" plan popular with Republicans, people not named Mark Warner.

Bush Industrial Policy Key in W.Va
"If you re-elect me," says Bush, "I will restore West Virginia as Key-Making Capital of the World!"

Astros Lure Clemens Out of Retirement
Jumbo hotdog tied to string surprisingly effective.

For Officials, Flu Shot Is a Gamble
Odds on death much better.

Washington Post Headlines

...
Court's Ruling Maddens Groups on Left and Right
Court's ruling: Groups on left and right suck.

Gephardt Aims for Populist Iowa Win
Gephardt aims for more people to vote for him than Dean? Huh?

Rat-Borne Disease Kills Zoo Monkey
Death seen as retaliation for last week's monkey-borne disease that maimed rat. Nobody screws with the rat.

Va. Plans Felony Spam Indictments
D.A. to send 1,000 indictments to each violator.

France Mulls Ban on Head Scarves
Finally! Another country that hates Muslims as much as we do.

New Antidepressants Warning Issued
Warning: assembling pills in pattern of frowny face mitigates pills' effectiveness.

Beyonce, R. Kelly Win 4 at Billboards
Beyonce thanks family, fans; R. Kelly thanks parole agent.

Flu Vaccines Still Available in District
"Yup," says jittery suburbanites. "They sure are."

Washington Post Headlines

D.C. Liquor Fight Enters New Round
Rounsh four! [ding]

America's Great Big Challenge
How do we become most best again?

Redskins' Smoot Is Suddenly Quiet
Smoot Mute?

China Improves Image in Asia
"Tienanmen Square" renamed "Cuddly Teddy Bear"

Washington Post Headlines

Jurors See Toga Party Tape
Guil-ty, guil-ty, guil-ty!

Edwards's Quest for Fire
"I will bring them fire," says toga-clad Edwards. "And they will bring me love."

Sharpton: Dean's Agenda 'Anti-Black'
Anti-black part cited: beating Sharpton for nomination.

Bay Group Urges Controls on Nutrients
Boy group urges controls on heartbreak.

Democrats Shake Booty at D.C. Club
Democrats shake booty...oh, they already said that.

Calif. Fires May Lead to Tree Bill
"Not on my watch," says fire chief; tree bill protected by 100-foot trench, encased in fire-resistant dome.

Microsoft to Settle Antitrust Lawsuits
Headline Appears Every Month

Outburst From Sun Headed For Earth
"And another thing, I'm sick and tired of you turning your back on me…"

Editorial: Fire Damage
Frankenstein: "Fire damage baaaad."

News Headlines

...

Wolfowitz Unhurt in Baghdad Attack
"Physically unhurt," sniffs Wolfowitz.

No Nuclear Threat Found in Iraq
Not found in Pope's house: matza balls, 'So You've Decided to Become Circumcised' pamphlet.

U.S. Contracts Lift Economy
"Hey, Atlas," says contracts. "Could you hold this for a second while we tie our shoes?"

Pleasantly Perfect Wins Breeders' Cup
'Always Perfect' dives into window of hamburger factory.

Cordless Team, Mouse and Keyboard
Mouse attacked by tiger.

The Best Kind of Corporate Handouts
Thirty seconds in the money machine.

Egyptian Twins Look Each Other in the Eye for the First Time
Ahmed, Mohammed: "Never again will people joke, 'You have something stuck on your head.' "

The Lowdown on Downloads
Satan makes editor consider 'The Lowdown of DownLOWds.' Mini-Satan wins.

Study: Toddlers' Diets Too Fatty
I wish Satan would have won the battle of this headline versus "Fat-ass Toddlers Too Fat-ass."

The reject:

Cordless Team, Mouse and Keyboard
Mouse chokes Starsky, Keyboard bashes Hutch

No Problem!

I love taking Yahoo news headlines literally.

Unabomber seeks return of papers, bomb

"Unabomber Ted Kaczynski has asked the government to return his personal papers and other materials, including a bomb seized by the FBI."

FBI AGENT1: "If we give you your bomb back, do you promise not to use it?"
KACZYNSKI: "Yes."
FBI AGENT2: "Cross your heart and hope to die?"
KACZYNSKI: "Yes."
FBI AGENT1: "Stick a needle in your eye?"
KACZYNSKI: "I promise."
FBI AGENT2: "Okay, Ted. Here you g--"
FBI AGENT3: [from behind one-way glass] "Murphy, wait! He has his fingers crossed!"

LOL!

Which of these headlines appeared on AOL today?

a) Armless child embraces life

b) Armless but not harmless: paraplegic killer strikes again

c) Armless child embraces life...without arms! No, really. We're fuckin' serious.

Washington Post Headlines

I've been both lazy and busy lately. Hence the easy comedy.

Health Premiums Set to Jump Again
Police Try to Talk Premiums Down from Building

WHO Lifts SARS Advisory for Beijing
Replaces It with SARS Death Watch

Commuters Find Daily Enlightenment
Honking Horn Almost As Fun As Shooting People

Justice Backs Evangelists in Schools
Evangelists to Fight with Pepsi, Channel One TV for Kids’ Minds and Souls

Washington Post Headlines

Blood, Guts, Brains & Spirit
Satanic Taoist Band Sweeps Nation

Outside, the Mosquitoes Are Hungry
Zombies Not Far Behind

Software Shows Clients the Money
Mean Software Then Hides Money, Pretends It Doesn’t Know What Clients Are Talking About

Survey Shows Universe's Growth
73% of Respondents Welcome ‘More Room For Stuff’

GWU Will Educate Saudi Royals
America Is Good. You Love America. McDonalds Has Tasty Fries…

Headlines From The Washington Post

Hispanics Declared Largest Minority
Taco Bell Blamed For Record Girth

Lessons Are Hard-Learned in Congo
‘G Before N, Unless There Are Two Os’ Confusing

Bush: Tax Cuts Will Boost Economy
Monocle Sales Up 72%

Y Chromosome Can Fix Gene Errors
X Chromosome Drinks Beer All Day, Fixes Nothing

Mind Games May Trump Alzheimer's
Scientists Recommend Ignoring Grandma, Pretending Like She’s Not There

If you're wondering why I am posting so much today, the answer is simple: I am working on a job application.

Today's Washington Post Headlines

Ex-Xerox Execs to Pay $22M
Ex-Xerox Execs to Pay $22M; Ex-Xerox Execs to Pay...

Sharon, Abbas Move Toward Peace
Peace Runs Away In Fear

Marijuana 'Guru' Gets One Day in Jail
Judge Defends Decision: "It's Going To Seem Like a Week For Him"

D.C. Mayor Pushes Congress for Aid
Congress Tells Principal

CIA Analysts Cite Pressure on Arms
“Why Are There So Many Bullies In Today’s Headlines?” Says Analyst

April Factory Orders Plunge
Factory Also Orders Robots To Destroy Humans; Management Blames Union

Extra Headlines for Today's Washington Post

Baghdad Swept by Anarchy
Dustbin of Impatience Full

Charity Suspends Land Sales
Shakes Land Sales Vigorously Until Change Falls Out

Chase for Elusive RoboCup
RoboBeer Surpasses RoboCoke After Hard Day at Work

Senate Faults Spy Agencies
Comments Made By Voinovich While Mumbling in Sleep