Trashy Celebs

Two friends of mine, Amy and Lori, have a very funny blog called Trashy Celebs. Where else are you going to find headlines like "Joey Lawrence’s Man Boobs are Blossoming?"

Are We Being Too Hard on Paris? Part 2

Nah.

Are We Being Too Hard on Paris?

A reenactment of the past week:

SHERIFF: "Do you want to finish your sentence at home?"
PARIS: "Really?"
SHERIFF: "Sure. Three days in jail is enough. You can do the other 42 days as home arrest."
PARIS: "Thank you so much!"

Paris goes home. A few hours later, the Sheriff's phone rings:

SHERIFF: "Hey."
JUDGE: "Did she buy it?"
SHERIFF: "Oh, yeah. It was hilarious. Her face lit right up."
JUDGE: [laughing]: "Oh my God. This is going to be great. Get one of your guys to bring her to the courthouse. Tell her the judge needs to speak with her for a few minutes. Tell her it won't take long, and to leave her things."
SHERIFF: "This is so wrong."
JUDGE: "I know. Isn't it awesome?"

At the courthouse:
JUDGE: "Paris, I have some bad news. We're putting you back in jail. Right now."
PARIS: "What? But he said I could do my sentence at home!"
JUDGE: "Lee, did you tell Paris she could serve her sentence in her house?"
SHERIFF: "Don't believe I did, Mike."
PARIS: "You liar! Yes you did!"
SHERIFF: "Hold on a second. Let me think." [Sheriff strokes his chin slowly.] "Hmmm. Hmmmmmmm. Wait, yes! Yes!"
PARIS: "You remember?"
SHERIFF: "I remember that 'The Simple Life' sucked. Now get your scrawny ass back in your cell, bitch."
JUDGE: "Oh! Smoked!"

[SHERRIF + JUDGE give each other a high-five. An officer shakes his head and escorts PARIS out the courthouse.]

Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions in Parade

[cover]
Screen superstar Tom Cruise asks: 'Who's To Say What's Normal?'
Not you.

[Personality Parade]
Please settle a bet. My wife says the best-known Three Stooges are still alive. I say no. Who pays?
Tell your wife the Stooges are dead. As well as your marriage. Your idea of excitement is a Three Stooges-fueled clash of the minds? And what did you bet, loser has to tape "Green Acres" on Nick at Night for a week?

[Ask Marilyn]
What can be found in the following words: zygote, taxi, wave, cuts, re--
Hold on. I'll finish the list. Inane, insulting, genius, IQ, opportunities, lost, job, answering, moronic, questions, depressed, suicidal, death.

Chuck Norris Facts

I actually have some material brewing around in my head, but I've been in a lazy mood recently.

Anyway, it's much easier to post links to other people's comedy.

Chuck Norris Facts

Hilarious.

"There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live."

...

The Washington Post's Style section had a blurb on Dr. Phil's recent visit to Washington D.C. It reported that he had a bodyguard everywhere he went.

People who give good advice don't need bodyguards.

Bush Twins Unemployment Index

Heh heh.

Jacko

I understand Michael getting off on the four counts of child molestation. And the count of false imprisonment. I wasn't in the courtroom, and it's plausible that there was enough doubt to find him not guilty.

But the Jesus Juice too? You can't make that stuff up. Comedy gold like that has to be mined. If I were the lead prosecutor for that case, I would have stood up on the first day and said: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I have two words for you: Jesus. Juice. The prosecution rests."

Oops, I Did It Again

Louis Armstrong: truly ahead of his time.

Jesus Juice

I know it's been a couple weeks, but I can't get over Michael Jackson's name for wine that he served a kid. (Allegedly. Can't forget the allegedly). Right after the wording came out, at least one child molester slapped his head and said: "Jesus Juice! Why didn't I think of that? It makes Happy Sauce look like Homework Helper." Allegedly. The hypothetical child molester may have been too busy taking notes from the trial to be slapping his head. "Ms. Jones. Parent. Not bright. Trusting of people with Ferris wheels."

(The Ferris wheel was invented by George W. Ferris and unveiled in the 1893 World Fair. George Ferris invented the ride to give children of all economic groups a cheap way to soar high above the ground and hover above the city landscape, where he could then molest them).

I almost never pay attention to celebrity trials, but I'm having trouble resisting this one. Every time I think the spectacle can't get any more bizarre, something loonier happens. It's like the witnesses are having a contest where they are trying to out-loon each other. From the AP today:

SANTA MARIA, Calif., April 14 -- The mother of Michael Jackson's accuser told jurors Thursday a bizarre story of weeks during which she was shuttled around by Jackson's associates, made a virtual prisoner and warned that "killers" were after her.

The woman said that, during the entire period, she never tried to call police because "who could possibly believe this?"

Yes, indeed. Who could?

Jared

I awoke this morning to a radio interview with Subway Jared. "I used to wear XXXXXX-large shirts. That's six Xs. I was a big boy."

I felt sad hearing that. Not out of sympathy for his former plight, but that a shirt maker had three inches of tag to work with and all he could think of to do was add more Xs.

Six Xs is two-porno-movie large. It's "I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you You just want to be friends NOOOO!" large. It's "Machine wash cold--if you can fit in the washer! Hi-o!" Shecky-large.

Or forget the tag. If you have to wear a shirt that large, the tag should be a scratch-off ticket. Everyone deserves some magic in his or her life, and the Subway job is already taken.

Larger Than Life in Every Sense

Snippets from an article on Marlon Brando's life (July 3, 2004; The Washington Post).

"Mutiny" director Lewis Milestone was one of many directors and studio officials he confounded with his distaste for authority. "Before he would take direction, he would ask why," Milestone said. "Then when the scene was being shot, he put earplugs in so that he couldn't hear my direction."

Starting in the 1960s, Brando became one of the first actor-activists to march for civil and Native American rights. He memorably refused to accept his Oscar for "The Godfather," protesting what he said was discrimination against Native Americans on film and in government policy.

Instead, he dispatched to the Academy Awards a woman who claimed to be a Native American named Sacheen Littlefeather and read an abridged version of Brando's 15-page indictment of policies toward the Indians. Later, she was revealed to be an actress named Maria Cruz, winner of the 1970 Miss American Vampire competition.

"Over time, he represented the disintegration of a sex symbol, as his muscular physique crumbled and he ballooned to more than 300 pounds; he often broke his diets by persuading McDonald's employees to pitch French fries and Big Macs over his fence."

One of his instructors was Adler, who came from a distinguished family of Yiddish actors. One day in class, she asked her students to imitate chickens in a henhouse who had just learned they were about to be hit with an atomic bomb. While others flailed about, Brando sat still and pretended to lay an egg.

I MUST KNOW WHO RANCE IS!!!!

Rance is a blogger who has become an Internet celebrity in the past few months. You see, Rance says he is a celebrity...but he won't tell us which one!

So, many of the fluff news sites (AOL, MSN, etc.) and a few of the non-fluff ones have written articles on this amazing mystery.

To me, the mystery is simple. One, it's not Ben Stiller. He's too busy appearing in 43% of the summer movies. And it's not anyone really famous because they have people to write their blogs for them. So who's a well-known actor that is only moderately popular and has the free time to tell people about his life?

I'll link to the answer so you can try to figure it out for yourself, but the clue is in his name, Rance. Or, if you add an F, France.

I hope Rance is just a regular guy playing a prank and posts a message like this one day:

"Hey all you fools who have been reading about what groceries I bought and how many times a week I do laundry. Well, guess what? I wasn't folding celebrity underwear. I was folding my own underwear. HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

A Tool for the Ages

I discovered a way to rate the obnoxiousness of a person. This epiphany was accidental. I find few people obnoxious, and I have never thought, "Sure, this guy is annoying, but how annoying?"

Yet I made the discovery while watching Charlie Rose interview Quentin Tarantino. I hate Quentin Tarantino, the person. Quentin Tarantino, the writer/director, is very skilled and has an interesting way of looking at the world. Quentin Tarantino, the person, is a pig-faced, megalomaniac who must have been a Benedict monk as a child because he can't shut up now. I watched a bit of the interview, rolled my eyes a few times, and grabbed the remote. Right before I was going to change the channel, I thought, "Wow, he's pretty interesting."

At this moment, this exact moment, my wine glass was ¼ full. The principle that I knew intuitively from parties took concrete root in my life. One can listen to Quentin Tarantino without punching the TV after ¾ of a glass of wine.

I was shocked that it only took ¾ of a glass, but the evidence was irrefutable. I watched the rest of the interview, 45 minutes, although I had to drink wine during the interview to keep my alcohol level constant, 1 and ¼ glasses, for a total of 2 glasses. Taking these results together, I composed an ODI (Obnoxious Drunkenness Index) for Tarantino:

Alcohol needed for initial de-obnoxiousification: ¾ of a glass of wine
Alcohol needed for continued de-obnoxiousification: 5/36 of a glass of wine per 5 minutes

Obviously, the measurements in this scale are relative, based on body weight, tolerance of alcohol, and hatred for humanity. But it could be an invaluable took for wish to describe their annoyance for a person more accurately:

"I hate Tarantino. His ODI is four beers, and that's when I'm in a good mood."
"I kind of like Tarantino. A shot of Jager and he's fine by me."
"Ohhhhh…I drank half a bottle of Tequila and then watched the entire State of the Union address. Why do I do this to myself?"

Please Pardon My Language

Jesus fucking Christ.

Clue #4

I have been coy about revealing too much information about our celebrity beard. Perhaps too coy, for no one has been close enough for me to remove the can of salmon and caress it, like one would do to a dying dog. So while this next clue may give too much information, I feel that it is necessary.

Clue #4: Clue #1 is a complete lie.

Keep on guessin'! Remember, a can of fish is at stake (photo coming).

Clue #3

The guess for the Celebrity Beard contest are flying in. People have guessed such names as Orlando Bloom. And many others. Will the next clue shed any light on this celebrity's identity? Will it unearth any secrets, secrets buried under an abandoned Planet Hollywood? Will the kilt of mystery lift up, revealing a willy who may be named Willy?

Probably not.

Clue #3: This actor has an X, Q, or N in his name.

One guess per day, people. That means you, Ralph! Stop sending me email.

Clue #2

Okay, I didn't give much information about the identity of the Celebrity Beard. Maybe this next clue will help. It's not Marlon Brando.

And we have a prize for the winner: a can of salmon. When you're in the mood for salmon but don't have time to warm it up, eat Can of Salmon. It's the salmon that swims right into the can. Shipping not included.

Celebrity Beards

I'd like to announce a new contest for the web site, Celebrity Beards. Each week, I'll post the closeup of a celebrity beard and a clue about the owner of the beard. I'll post another clue each day until someone gets the answer.

Celebrity Beard #1

Clue #1: This actor starred in a movie in the last six months.

There are no prizes as of yet, but I'll try to think of one. Happy Bearding!

A Moment of Weakness

I'm breaking my No Michael Jackson jokes for this one:

Judge Says R. Kelly Must Avoid Jackson
CHICAGO - R. Kelly won't be mingling with Michael Jackson (news) during next month's Grammy festivities: A judge has ordered the R&B star, who is awaiting trial on child pornography charges, to stay away from the King of Pop, himself facing child molestation charges, when Kelly attends the awards.

What is the court system afraid of, that they'll trade porn site passwords? Gab about future community service work? ("If we both get convicted, let's build a children's hospital." "Great idea. I call the bedridden kids!")

I have my own rulings for these two. R. Kelly has to change his name to "Richie Richie Roo Roo" and introduce himself by that name to every girl under 18. A similar punishment for Michael Jackson, except he has to introduce himself as "I Have No Candy" to kids and "Don't Be a Dumbass" to gullible parents.

Couldn't You Have Just Made Fun of His Pants?

Al Franken takes down a protester.

Congratulations Britney!

In the lingering spirit of the holidays, I would like to offer my sincere congratulations and sympathy to Britney Spears, who married and annulled her marriage to a childhood friend last Saturday in a Las Vegas chapel. I hope their holy union can resist the pressures of the public spotlight and that the government processes their annulment without hassle. May their love be eternal and their hangovers the morning after short.

Senator Franken?

I would prefer he move to California and challenge Dennis Miller, but I guess Minnesota will do.

Keep Your Hand on Your Gun

Now I know why we haven't heard from N'Sync in a while. They're in hiding.

Several months ago, the NRA released a list of organizations, celebrities, and editorial writers that have supported gun control (or "anti-gun") efforts in some way. N'Sync is targeted, although it is unclear if the NRA is targeting the whole group or just the suspiciously named JC (for Jun Control!)

This is old news and I probably wouldn't have mentioned the list even if it wasn't, except that NRA Blacksite, a response to the NRA's list, was created and it has one of the best uses of a background song I've seen on a web site. "Or a gringo like me..."

"All these pills are enough to kill an elephant--never mind a man."

This story sounds like a grain of truth wrapped in a tumbleweed of B.S., but the quotes in it are hilarious:

Rush Limbaugh in pill probe

Ahh. Kicking a man while he's down.

Now that I think of it, "grain of truth wrapped in a tumbleweed of B.S" is a pretty good description of Rush.

Right in the balls!

Small Miracles

Dear J-Lo and Ben,

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Sincerely,
Your Almost Future Child

You know you're career is going downhill...

...when a stripper sues a tabloid for saying she had sex with you.

Eight Is Not E-nuff

Is Schwarzenegger trying to assemble a political team or a sitcom? First Warren Buffet joins. Then George Schultz. Now there's a rumor that Rob Lowe is going to hop on the Bahnwagon. And this is ignoring Gary Coleman's recent comment that "it would be cool if he could join the Schwarzenegger campaign."

On that note, this web site has several funny articles about the "Little G for Governor" campaign.

Update: Lowe is in.

Schwarzenegger for Governor?

The campaign speech:
"It's time for a recall—A Total Recall. Ha ha ha ha."

The stressful week before the election:
"Who told you could eat my cookies?"

The day after the election:
"You people are soft! You lack discipline! Well, I've got news for you. YOU ARE MINE NOW! YOU BELONG TO ME!"

Interviewing people for government posts:
AIDE: [whispering] "Sir, perhaps we should base our hires on qualifications rather than--"
SCHWARZENEGGER: "Shut up! We will do this my way. [to applicant] Who is your daddy, and what does he do?"

Two years in the term:
REPORTER: "Mr. Governor, about your recent health problems--"
SCHWARZENEGGER: "It's not a tu-mor!"

This Is So, So Cruel

I cringed at every page but I couldn't stop reading. They found a kid in high school with a crush on Jodie Sweetin, who played "Stephanie" on "Full House," and started a fake romance with him. It's still going on.

Demographics For MTV Cribs

12-18: 11.2%
18-25: 9.2%
Stalkers: 79.6%

No celebrity who shows a road map of their house, including the satin sheets on their bed and easily-breakable windows, should be able to sue a stalker who invades their house. Going on MTV Cribs is like teasing a stalker. "Here's my diamond chandelier. It looks soooo beautiful when I'm sitting here alone at night and watching the moonlight bounce off the shards. The only problem is that I have to turn off the security system because it makes that annoying beeping." Sometimes I want to break into celebrities' houses after the show. A X-Box hooked up to a 42'' plasma screen and connected to a 6-channel surround sound system: who could resist?

Womb Raider

Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton officially ended their marriage last Tuesday after it was dissolved in Los Angeles County Superior Court. Their separation came four months after they adopted a baby boy, Maddox, from Cambodia.

I have just one question: WHO THE HELL LET ANGELINA JOLIE AND BILLY BOB THORNTON ADOPT A KID? At the marriage ceremony, half the courtroom snickered at the "until death do you part" section. How did they hoodwink the adoption counselor, by hiding their vials of blood beneath their undershirts? Convenience stores, start adding extra security now. This kid is going to be old enough to drive before you know it.

Speech Link

Mr. Rogers gave a great speech last June at Dartmouth, his alma matter. Reading it was like being a kid again and watching his show.

New Matrix Trailer

Pick the joke!

Best part about the new Matrix trailer:
a) Keanu doesn't talk.
b) Laurence Fishburne does talk.
c) Did I mention that Keanu doesn't talk?