Keyword Project

For the past several days, I've been going through every post I have written, over 1,350, and adding keywords to each post. I also fixed dozens of links and deleted about 50 extraneous posts.

I am 99% finished. I've been adding the keywords in reverse chronological order, so I'm at the first handful of posts I wrote four years ago. The indexing system was created on the fly so it is inconsistent and not as good as if I had the time to plan it out, but I think it will serve some use.

One of my first posts four years ago was a link to this video, We Drink Ritalin. Not only does the original link work (trust me, this is amazing by itself), but the video is still very funny.

I disabled the RSS feed before I started, so either you will get one new post after I restore the feed, or 1,300.

MY SISTER HAS A BLOG!!!

Ass Prom!

This is so cool. It's really good too. I want to steal her "Fucked-up Comments" idea. M's posts are under "Inge" (I can only reveal so much about her identity).

Happy Birthday Mom!

Mom, I love you. Some of my friends want you to adopt them. Just letting you know in case a certain sister makes fun of your age and you want to trade her in.

Not Posting for Two Weeks Pays Off Again

Blog of the Weekend, I have my eye on you.




Thanks, Blog of the Day. I'm off to make a cake.

Interesting Interrview: Graffiti Research Lab

PRI's "Fair Game with Faith Salie" interviewed the GRI's Evan Roth about its recent technological projects and the conflict between graffiti and advertising. It's a great interview, and I'm not just saying it because he's my sister's boyfriend.

Evan, I want to participate in The Summer of Blood.

See you on July 4th

I'm going on a cruise to Alaska with my Mom and Tina, so I won't be posting until Jul. 4th at the earliest. I'll try to squeeze in a post before I leave about Ronnie the Rat (or as my delusional roommates call him, "Fluffy the Mouse").

I Have an RSS Feed!

And I wouldn't use it for a few days.

First, thanks to Jim M. for the link that made setting up the feed easy.

For the past few days, I've been adding metadata to almost every post I have written. It started on a whim, something I did for a handful of recent posts, and went on from there. My thoughts are often a cluttered mess, and it feels good to be organized in at least one part of my life.

I think the RSS feed is updating every time I add a keyword to a post. I finished 200 so far, and have around 1,000 more to do. If you are reading on a newsreader, you may end up seeing four years of blog posts by the end of the week. I suggest waiting a few days and clicking on the "poop" tag to catch up on the best ones. Or for the very best, "poop monkey rocket". Man, that monkey's handlers were so pissed off when he returned back to Earth. Ahh, the stories.

Happy Birthday, Meghan

It's my roommate Meghan's birthday today!

Headline: News Headlines All Under One Headline

I tagged all of my headline posts .

Trashy Celebs

Two friends of mine, Amy and Lori, have a very funny blog called Trashy Celebs. Where else are you going to find headlines like "Joey Lawrence’s Man Boobs are Blossoming?"

Randon Pancake City Contest

First person to leave a comment for this post and has the ability to read directions wins!

The directions: Leave a random word or phrase--anything goes--as a comment. I'll make a cartoon inspired by your suggestion.

Dear One Person Who Uses the RSS Feed and Can't Even Read This Post Because She Only Has the Broken Link and Is Too Lazy to Type 1001words.com

It's fixed!

RSS link

PCRN2~ Update

Check this post for the radio show link at 7:45 p.m. EST.

Update: Da link. Show stars at 8:00 p.m.

Column: The Mystical, Magical Slurpee Tour

I wrote some columns a few years ago that few of you have seen. They were on the old version of the site before I redesigned it.

(Entire redesign process: [log in to Blogger] “Oooh, new templates!” [click] “Hey, where are my columns?”

***

The weather forecast was wonderfully wrong today. Sixty-five degrees, sunny the whole day, and the supposed afternoon showers didn't show until nightfall. I rode my bike for an hour and a half on the local trails.

I love bike trails, but they invariably have boring names like "W&O Trail" or--when the park department wants to turn on the Shake n’ Bake--"C&O Trail."

Where is "The Trail Less Traveled"? "A Trail of Two Cities"? "T-Rail Owens?" I'm already vibrating my lips like a motorcycle when I turn corners. Silliness isn’t a problem. Reality is.

Then again, reality occasionally has its moments. After my bike ride, I was parched and went in 7-11 to buy a Slurpee. My experience, without exaggeration:

ME: "Hey, can I try the flavors? I don't know which one I want."
7-11 EMPLOYEE: "Breakfast?"

(Perhaps this is a good point to mention that I have a severe stutter and many of my conversations start with mutual confusion.)

ME: "Take two. Can I try the Slurpee flavors?"
7-11 EMPLOYEE: "Try the flavors?"
ME: "Yes!"
7-11 EMPLOYEE: [thought hard for a moment] "No?"

In my younger years, I would have left, disappointed. Not this time. One, for all I knew, he may have thought we were still talking about breakfast. Two, he made a fatal mistake. He left doubt in his voice, like a person who is asked, “Do you want me to not not punch you?” Time to repeat what I want until he caves in.

ME: "I want to try the flavors before I buy a Slurpee."
7-11 EMPLOYEE: “Um...”
ME: "I'd like to try the flavors before I buy a Slurpee."
7-11 EMPLOYEE: “Try...flavors?”

(His manager notices the commotion and comes over.)

MANAGER: "What's going on?"
7-11 EMPLOYEE (about to cry): "He wants to try the flavors."

The manager, used to serving food critics, got me a Dixie cup. The situation was over. I poured a bit of the sour strawberry. To victory. I lifted the cup up to my lips, feeling strangely uneasy, and turned around.

They were both staring at me. These two were smarter than I thought. My original plan was to sample Dixie-cup sized Slurpee flavors until I was bloated, and then dash out of the store on my bike while those suckers foot the bill. But that was a trick no pony was going to pull on them.

At first, I tried to ignore them. I sipped the sour strawberry. Tangy and very promising. I advanced towards the root beer.

MANAGER: "You don't want that. It's frozen."

It didn't look more frozen than the other frozen Slurpees, but who was I to argue? I’m not an ice technician. I grabbed the handle for cherry.

MANAGER (and let me remind you that this is not made up): "That's cherry. Why do you want to try cherry?"

I turned around and gave my biggest fake smile. They both left. But her words made me think.

Perhaps his question was not accusatory but philosophical. Why did I want to try cherry? Why did I want to try any of the flavors? Why did I want to go bike riding, or eat Cheerios for breakfast, or scratch myself in CVS but refrain from doing so because of those damn 1984-style mirrors?

It tasted good. Is that enough of an answer? I feel almost sacrilegious saying this, but...could there be more to life than Slurpees?

I thought about this until I saw Blue Raspberry.

Changing Web Hosting Services

FYI: I'm changing my web hosting service, so the site may be down for a few days. Which means you probably won't be able to read this message.

On Hiatus for a Week

I won't be posting much, if at all, for the next week. I'm moving this Sat. (don't know where yet--gg relaxed move) and don't see myself having the time.

Pancake City Contest

The 2006 J-Wal Mix CD Extravaganza (Pt. 1) has just been released, and you can win a free copy.

In conjuction with Pancake City's music label, the Sounds of Syrup, we are giving away one (1) free, autographed copy of the latest release from J-Wal to anyone living in the continental United States. Except Idaho. Sorry, I just don't trust you guys.

The first person who leaves a comment in this post will win the CD. Good luck. (Offer not valid for anyone who has received a pre-release copy).

I'm Done!

Well, not completely done, but I finished the brunt of a freelance project that's taken most of my free time the past three weeks. The hiatus from Pancake City is over.

Why Pancake City Was Down for the Past Three Days

A few weeks ago, I got a replacement credit card and forgot the monthly fee for my web hosting service was being charged to the previous one. Also, I rarely check the email address anymore of the one I registered the account under.

Furthermore, to reinstate the account, the customer service representative needed me to verify my contact information. You know, in case a nefarious hacker was going to steal my identity and start paying my web hosting fees.

The problem with this normally simple task is that when I set up the account 5 years ago, I entered a fake address and phone number for the web site registration to protect my identity. Which shouldn't have been a problem since my billing information is accurate, except as the tech support rep. said, "the billing department isn't here today".

Really? The whole department decided not to come to work today, like Senior Skip Day in High School? There wasn't even one loser billing department representative with dandruff and a horrible acne problem that no one told today was Chillin', Not Billing Day?

Of course, they don't trust the tech support people with billing information. That would be like trusting billing people with tech information! And when that type of craziness starts happening, you might as well get a barrel of hay and a block of sugar, because the Four Horsemen are coming and their horses are going to be hungry for a snack before they start whupping some ass.

I can't even remember my real address from 5 years ago. I took a few guesses ("123 Fake Street?"). After each guess, the representative said, "Mmmm, that's not it." Eventually, he shortened it to "Mmmmmm."

I finally said that it was pretty obvious I was the owner of the account, and asked them if we could come to a mutual agreement to forgo this sham. He agreed, and we reenabled the account a few minutes later.

Which is a huge relief, because now I can go back to not updating the page ever.

New New Pancake City Policy

I was honestly planning on putting all my posts in the comments section for the next month, but self-amusement quickly gave way to inconvenience and readability. Stupid inconvenience. So the new new Pancake City policy is just like the old one, except I will now be ending all of my posts with "Shazam!"

Shazam!

Star Wars: Episode III Review

In the comments, in case you don't want to read it.

No, It's Not a Joke

Lift Your Spirits, But Bend

(Pancake City Posting Policy Addendum: All responses to comments will be made in the area formerly known as the "post".)

Hi,

Tina mentioned that one of her professors liked the blog. I thought she was making you up. Once, when one of my friends was over, Tina tried to bring out some embarrassing pictures of me as a child. If you ever want to hear some embarrassing stories about her, just let me know.

New Pancake City Policy

I'm sick and tired of posting entries on the main page. From now on, all new posts will be in the comments.

Okay, One More Post...

Evan, my sister's beau, got linked on BoingBoing again.

Happy Birthday Evan

This is also a good time for me to tell you about his interesting blog. Anyone want to get an LED belt buckle?

New Comments System

Blogger finally revised its comments system to let non-Blogger users leave their names and web pages. I'll keep HaloScan around for a few days in case there are any problems with the new system and so people can read any comments made in the past week. I like HaloScan a lot, but the free version doesn't display comments older than six months and has a character limit. I have the impression Blogger doesn't have these restrictions.

I'm Back

Here is my perfunctory "I'm back" post.

And this is the required end to not only this post, but all posts in general, at least until someone attempts to share with his or her friends all the digits of Pi.

Contest Update Update

Looks like I goofed. My Canadian cousin Erfan didn't win the 9/11 contest. Evan R. did. Evan is currently a grad student living in Brooklyn and is A FULL-BLODDED AMERICAN! U.S.A! U.S.A!

The lesson of this new result is obvious: Canada is populated by a bunch of pussies.

America rocks!

9/11 Contest Winner

I finally counted the references to 9/11 in Bush's acceptance speech. He made six references, including one particularly good one where he connects Saddam Hussein to 9/11. The winner: my Canadian cousin Erfan, who guessed eight. That's right: Canadian. I'm absolutely shocked that a Canadian knows more about American politics than we do. Yup. Shocked.

The references are in the comments. Erfan, I'll email your present in a few days. (Canadians have email, right?)

Happy Birthday Michele

Sketch Writing

The DC-based Theater Lab is offering a six-week sketch writing class. The class is $180 and starts this Sunday. I took it when it was last offered, a year and a half ago, and I'm taking it again. If you want more info about it, see the hyperlinked word "class" up above? Don't click on it. Click on this link instead.

Comments

I switched back to Haloscan for comments. The faceless messages from "Anonymous" disturbed me. None of the messages on HaloScan are faceless, because if I don't know what you look like, I will compensate by using the image of a like-named celebrity in your place ("Dan" = Dan Cortez, "Kate" = Kate Winslet, "Chad" = The country Chad). Unless your name is anonymous, in which case I use the image of a black hole.

Hee Hee Hee

Some jackass directly linked to an mp3 on my server and set his web page up to play the file every time someone visits his page. As you can guess, this is a slight drain on my bandwidth. So I replaced the file with another one. You can hear it on his web page, or, if he has taken it down already, here.

Note Note

Note: I added a endnote to the "Say It Ain't So" piece that deals with the statistics I cite in it.

Jon Stewart Comes to D.C.

Have $60 you don't need? Then maybe you'd like to see Jon Stewart on February 27th at Constitution Hall. Available tickets: $52. Service charge: $8. I'm a huge fan of Jon Stewart, but the only way I'd pay $60 to see him do stand-up is if he were firing ping-pong balls out of his ass at Carrot Top. "Here's something you can use in your act. [pop]"

I Added Something New to the Site

It's relatively easy to find.

The Blog-A-Thon is on!

The 2003 Pancake City Halloween Blog-A-Thon Spectacular with Rockets and Jelly Beans will take place from Wednesday 12:00 a.m. EST to Thursday 2:59 a.m. MST. I'd like to thank Andrew for his donation of 50 cents per post, $1 if it makes him laugh, and Chad for his unspecificed donation, but I'm guessing it's a slice of bacon for each post, and he'll drain the fat if it makes him laugh. The money will be donated to the NSA.

Do you remember the "Whacking Day" episode of The Simpsons where Mayor Quimby emerges from his limo with some pre-whacked snakes? Well, I'm going to have some pre-whacked posts and use one if I ever find myself writing "I'm still up!" and about to press the publish button.

Happy Birthday Arin!

New Section:

<-- "Austerely-Titled Photos"

Hey, Pea

Hear ye, hear ye. From this moment forth, all posts shall be written using the style guide of The Associated Press. Any editors or neurotics are given free reign to waste time in an attempt to find stylistic flaws in my perfect prose.

In other words, I'm trying to learn AP style and, after the rage dies down, I'll be grateful for any help pointing out my mistakes.

Say Hello...

...to the new, Chad-friendly logo. Cause if your logo isn't Chad-friendly, then you might as well take a picture of your crap and put that up. That way, at least Crappie's parents will like your logo.

New Email Address

As you can tell, I changed the site design. I also changed my email address because I'm tired of getting spam. To stop email harvesters from getting my address, I have added 'NOSPAM' to it, which you will have to remove before sending email. I also added another 'NOSPAM' for extra protection. Only remove the irst-fay 'NOSPAM'. Thanks.

Dave Barry, Olssen's Bookstore in Arlington, Wed. 24

He is reading from a collection of his columns. (Olson's Bookstore is by the Courthouse Metro stop. For those of you who aren't familiar with D.C., I will put this in perspective: the Courthouse stop is next to the Roslyn stop.)

My love of Dave Barry, combined with my greater love of free stuff, means I'm going. If anyone is interested, I'll post details a few days before the event.

(Actually, I love Dave Barry in the same sense that I love The Simpsons, meaning it's something I used to be fond of but rarely keep up with anymore. But who knows what havoc "font size=+1" after the second "love" in that sentence would have played?)

Back in a Day or Two

I have family visiting so I might not post for the next few days. I don't even have time to find an animated GIF of a monkey dancing for your amusement. Sorry.

Comments

I added a comments feature. Now, instead of screaming and angrily shaking your fist at the monitor, you can write comments like "This post is so funny that it made me do the Maori Happy Shake Fist Dance." Or: "I love Captain Piccard too. Set phasers to love." What fun! I use this feature to leave obnoxious comments on my friends' web sites. (Read comment, then read next day's comment.)

GET OFF THE STAGE!

I'm going to an open mike Tuesday and Wednesday. This is an open invite to anyone who wants to come and share the laughter...at me. A few caveats. It's all new material (read: some good, some bad.) I'm not sure I'll get stage time either day. And I'll be talking in the voice of George Washington for most of the time. But read this rave review of a rehearsal of my act from my friends Sean and Deb:

Sean: "It sucked less than last time."
Deb: "Oh, yeah. It definitely sucked less than last time."
Sean: "I mean, last time REALLY sucked."
Deb: "Remember when he tried to do an impression of the Dalai Lama, but he forgot his lines and farted?"
Sean: "Do I? I watch the video every time I'm plagued by feelings of inadequacy."
[Sean and Deb go on to reminisce for five minutes on my last act.]

Where At?
Tuesday: 8:00, The Cave (Washington D.C.)
Wednesday: 8:00, WiseAcres (Tysons Corner, VA)

Changes

As you can tell, I played around with the site formatting. If you don't like it, you can suck it.

Happy Birthday, Michele!

It’s my sister’s birthday today. She is now 25. I thought of writing her a poem (“Dear Michele / You no longer smell”) but opted for another display of affection. Michele, by the way, the books I got you arrived…oh, wait a minute. You won’t be coming until next week. Guess I’ll have to read them! I got you another copy of the new Harry Potter book. It’s great. It’s totally better than your copy. And they match. When people ask you why you have two copies of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", you can tell them, “Cause I’m twice the Harry Potter fan than you are, fool!” Then you can pity their fool ass.

I know what you’re thinking. No, it was nothing. You’re welcome. If you enjoy sending birthday wishes to strangers, in this case The Birthday Girl, I am sure she would be thrilled to receive them.

See Ya

At 4:30 A.M. tomorrow, I’ll be awake and off to my secret mission. I call it a secret mission because one, only a few people know of it, and two, I need more excitement in my life and humming the Mission Impossible theme as I roll out of bed isn’t doing it.

If any part of my endeavor succeeds, I’ll recount it when I get back on Monday. Otherwise, you’ll never hear about it again, just like all my failures, including the time I ran into a giant snapping turtle. (All I’m going to say is that if the turtle didn’t want anyone sitting on it, it shouldn’t have had a butt-shaped divot on its shell.)

Updates...

for the 'Daily Show Chat' and 'KEG Party' posts.

See Ya

I'm off to L.A. for two weeks. Although the weather there will be sunny and in the 70s every day, I truly hope that the weather here, with a little luck, consists of snowstorms and locusts.

I'll probably update the site 2-3 times in the next two weeks. The updates may even be more frequent than they have been recently as I'll have more sensory input than my monitor and Chocho, the squirrel that makes crow noises and made me stuff the rest of my grilled cheese sandwich in my mouth when I was eating on my front step yesterday.

Happy Birthday Evan

Dear Two People Who Visit My Site Regularly

(crap, this was supposed to go up yesterday)

A column and other new content is still in progress, the same way amazing works like "LotR: Return of the King" are in progress, and also many not-so-amazing works, like "Star Wars III: We've Given the Droids Pointy Ears". New content will be posted late Tuesday morning.