We live in an age of forgetting.
television
Lost: Game Show (Sketch)
Feb 21st
CHARACTERS
PAUL, Host
LINDSEY, Contestant
CARL, Lindsey’s friend
Scene: Game show set, similar to “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.” Host and contestant sit opposite each other.
PAUL: Welcome back to The Hatch, the trivia show about LOST. I’m Paul Plato. Our challenger, Lindsey Cobb, is still on the island. She has $7,500 and has two plot twists left. Ready for Round 2?
LINDSEY: Woooo! LOST!
PAUL: Sounds like a yes. Let’s enter The Hatch.
Lights dim, spotlights on.
PAUL: For $10,000. LOST is most like which of the following shows?
A. Dallas.
B. Twin Peaks.
C. The Sopranos.
D. LOST is the most amazing show ever and can’t be compared to anything else.
Lindsey spaces out and doesn’t answer.
PAUL: Lindsey? 15 seconds left.
LINDSEY: Sorry. I was just thinking about how awesome LOST is. My answer is D. LOST rocks!
Lindsey plays air guitar.
PAUL: Lindsey? You just won $10,000! [applause] Next question. For $15,000. In a survey last week, 500 LOST fans were asked, “What is the biggest unanswered question so far in Season 6?” What was the most common response?
A. What the hell happened to Desmond?
B. What the hell is going on?
C. What the—?
D. The writers will provide answers, the writers will provide answers.
LINDSEY: D, D! The writers are going to answer all our questions. Oh my God. Desmond’s name starts with D. And Dharma. And one of the hatch numbers is 4. D is the fourth letter in the alphabet. Woah.
PAUL: Let’s see if you’re right. The answer, for $15,000, is…D! [applause] Okay, Lindsey. You can stop now and keep the $15,000. Or you can risk it all on one final question…for $25,000.
LINDSEY: I’m going to be like Sawyer on Juliette.
PAUL: Uh…
LINDSEY: I’m going for it! [Audience cheers.]
PAUL: Okay. For $25,000. Here is the question. When LOST finally ends–
LINDSEY: (hyper-ventilating) Oh, god. It’s going to end.
PAUL: There there. When LOST finally ends, which of the following theories is most likely to be true?
A. Jacob and The Man in Black are fallen angels.
B. The island is in a time loop.
C. The smoke monster was once Jacob’s slave.
D. The hydrogen bomb created an alternate reality when it exploded.
LINDSEY: Whew. That’s a tough one—
PAUL: Hold on.
E. The island moves in space and time.
F. Jack’s father was born on the island.
G. Hurley can see ghosts because he is a ghost.
H. All the characters are ghosts.
LINDSEY: Wow. Well–
PAUL: Still going.
I. Richard doesn’t age because he uses beauty products.
J. The whole thing will turn out to be a dream.
K. All of the above.
L. None of the above.
The question takes up ¾ of the screen. Paul and Lindsey poke her heads up above the questions.
PAUL: Remember, you have two plot twists left.
LINDSEY: Okay. I want to use the Jughead.
PAUL: Blasting half the incorrect answers away. Let’s launch the Jughead. SFX: Lost theme. And the choices that are eliminated are…none of them.
LINDSEY: What? How is that possible?
PAUL: Anything is possible in LOST, Lindsey.
PAUL stares into camera and makes jazz hands. SFX: Lost theme.
PAUL: What’s your next move?
LINDSEY: I’m using my last plot twist. I want to call my friend, Carl.
PAUL: Let’s put Carl on the line. SFX: Phone rings.
CARL: Hello?
PAUL: Carl, this is Paul Plato from The Hatch. Lindsey is here with a chance to win $25,000, and she needs your help. Are you ready?
CARL: Lindsey! I have so much to tell you!
PAUL: You have 30 seconds, go.
LINDSEY: Carl, I don’t have time to read all the choices. Just tell me, which theory do you think–
CARL: Lindsey, the season finale of LOST was leaked, and I watched it! It’s amazing.
LINDSEY: Don’t spoil it! Just tell me, which theory–
PAUL: 15 seconds.
CARL: You don’t understand. The Valenzetti Equation is real! It’s all about the doom of humanity. And there are two smoke monsters! And that’s after they ganged up and killed the third smoke monster!
LINDSEY: What?
PAUL: 5 seconds.
CARL: It gets better! LOST is an anagram! It explains the entire show. L, Love. O, the Others. S-
PAUL: Time’s up. Lindsey, you’re out of plot devices. We need an answer. You have 15 seconds.
LINDSEY: What does the S stand for? Security? No. Safety? Maybe. And the T. Time Travel! Yes!
PAUL: Lindsey, we need an answer. 5 seconds.
LINDSEY: But what does love have to do with it? Desmond and Penny! I get it now!
Sfx: Errnt.
PAUL: I’m sorry. The correct answer is…they were all correct answers. Any letter you would have said would have been correct. As I foreshadowed a few minutes ago, anything is possible in LOST. I’m sorry.
LINDSEY: Claire and Rousseau! Hurley’s visions! It’s all makes sense. I HAVE REACHED NIRVANA!
Lindsey slumps back into her chair, in pure bliss.
PAUL: Sounds like a fun place to be. Until next week, this is Paul Plato for The Hatch.
The Limit (sketch, reality show)
Feb 13th
HOST VO: On the next episode of The Limit, the final three contestants face their hardest eating challenge yet.
HOST: Tayna. Bo. Tranny Granny. I hope you have a big appetite. Because you’re eating maggots.
Host lifts lid of maggot pot. Tayna yawns.
BO: Let’s do this!
HOST: Hold on, Bo. These aren’t ordinary maggots. These maggots have AIDS.
TAYNA: Can you get AIDS from the maggots?
HOST: Only if you already have herpes.
TAYNA: Whatever.
HOST VO: Things heat up in the Rompin’ Room when Bo makes a confession.
BO: I totally filmed us having sex and uploaded it to the Internet.
TAYNA: Whatever.
BO: You cool with that?
TAYNA: Yeah. Did you put it on my sex site?
BO: When you say sex site, it makes me want to have sex.
Bo and Tayna make out.
HOST VO: And the final challenge before Judgment Court will push everyone to…the limit.
Tayna, Bo, and Tranny Granny are dressed as clowns. A table of pies is near them. A group of scared kids are tied together.
HOST: Ready? Aim?
BO: Let’s do thiiiis!
CUT TO: Graphic.
HOST VO: Next on The Limit. We’ll find it eventually.
#LostBaitFail
Feb 3rd
Just watched the premiere of Lost. No spoilers, all I will say is that it was satisfying and managed to answer a few questions while raising some new ones.
I was trying to bait some Lost fans, so earlier today I changed my Facebook status to “Anything good on TV tonight?” with the intention of pretending I never heard of Lost, is it any good, etc. Complete failure. No one who watches Lost responded, so all I got was a list of Tuesday night TV shows that suck because they’re not Lost. Asshatery unrewarded.
A Poem About TV
Jan 20th
I just want to say
that I
am seriously disturbed
that Dexter
is married
to his sister.
Saturday Midday Network TV
Jan 2nd
It’s mostly infomercials. I wrote down what I heard as I flipped through the channels.
“I found our food.”
“Freedom Financial Expo is almost over.”
(same infomercial)
“…the drug companies don’t want that, the oil companies don’t want that…”
“…arthritis, rheumatism…”
“…celebrate with us the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin.”
Flight of the Conchords Cancelled
Dec 12th
Nuts. One of my favorite shows, Flight of the Conchords, isn’t coming back for a third season. Often when shows are cancelled it’s because of the executives, not the creators (see: most of Joss Whedon’s career), but I gather this time the work load was too much for the show’s two stars who did the brunt of the scriptwriting, acting, and songwriting.
My favorite episode was the one this song appeared in. Oh, the disco balls…
(I thought I posted this yesterday and just realized it didn’t go up. I’m still counting it as my daily post for yesterday.)
OMG, DERE LIZARD PEOPLE!
Oct 27th
Remember V? It was a sci-fi mini-series in the early 80s. Human-looking alien lizards land on Earth. They appear friendly at first, but then it turns out…well, see the title of the post.
My memory is fuzzy on this point, but I think they wanted to capture humans and use us for our nutrients. Or take the water from our oceans. Or maybe both. Hey, if you have the ability to construct a spaceship capable of FTL speed travel, along with synthetic skin that appears 100% natural, Earth is your buffet. You’ve earned it.
At least I hope they wanted to exploit the planet in some way. It might have been a better story if they came in peace and we just freaked out once we figured out they ate their ravioli with a forked tongue.
I saw the original series when I about 7 or 8. The scene where the human woman had twins, one human, the other… OMG LIZARD BABY! Gave me nightmares for a few days.
I have fond memories of watching the original series (and movie a year later). You may not have heard that ABC is remaking the mini-series, V, (first episode: Nov. 3rd). I’m excited, although I think it’s going to be a lot harder for me to accept the silly premise of the series 25+ years later.
I mean, humans being used for their nutrients? Whose going to buy that nowadays?
Survivor, I’m Back!
Oct 2nd
I haven’t watched Survivor in over a decade, but I watched the first two episodes of the current season with my family, and I think I’m hooked.
They found this contestant, Russell, who must have had them jumping for day after the first week’s taping. He is Mark Burnett’s dream: an honest-to-God, 100%, bona-fide sociopath. He’s so over-the-top evil and manipulative that it’s hilarious. I was rolling on the floor laughing at some points, although my sisters and Mom were reacting with more appropriate horror.
(This contains spoilers from the first two episodes.) He told a story to this teammates about how he lost his dog in the New Orleans flood. Lie. He made separate alliances with three women, his “dumb blond alliance” in his words. One contestant said she didn’t trust him, and he manipulated the other contestants into voting her off. Did it again in the second episode. He woke up in the middle of the night, emptied his tribe member’s water canteens and burned some of their socks, laughing as he was doing it. He said something like “If you control how people feel, you can control what they do.”
And this is my favorite part. He’s doing all this to win the $1 million prize, right? Nope. “I’m an oil company executive. I got millions of dollars. I just like messing with people. Heh heh heh.”
Oh, and in the second episode, one of the contestants got the first clue about where the immunity idol was hidden. Guess what? Too late. Russell already found it.
My general view is that there are no good or evil people, just people who do good or evil things. Screw that. Russell is evil. And I love watching him. He’s almost too good to be true.
Oxymoron Alert
Feb 22nd
“Top 100 Most Outrageous Moments 2″ (TV show on tonight)
The only thing that would make this show worth watching is if they showed 99 of the same moments that were in the original show, and the 100th moment was “passing the exact same show off as a sequel, except for the end.”
“A Face in the Crowd”
Dec 11th
I watched a great movie today, “Face in the Crowd.” It was made in 1957, but almost all of what it says about celebrity, politics, power, and television is not only still relevant, but prophetic in some cases.
The more I think about it, the more I like the movie. I highly recommend it. A few quotes from one scene:
GEN. HAYNESWORTH: “Politics have entered a new stage, a television stage. Instead of long-winded public debates, the people want capsule slogans. ‘Time for a change.’ ‘The mess in Washington.’ More bang for a buck. Punch lines and glamour.”
[...]
MR. PERVIS: “General, my papers have supported Worthington Fuller from the first day he ran for office. He’s not a grandstander, a backslapper or a baby-kisser.”
GEN. HAYNESWORTH: “That’s exactly what he’s got to become. A majority in this country don’t see eye-to-eye with him. We’ve got to find 35 million buyers for the product we call Worthington Fuller.”
Another Post on “The Wire”
Jul 6th
“The Wire” is so good that it makes me want to be a police officer. After I watched three episodes of Season 3 in a row, I went to the D.C. police department web page and read about the application process. It helped that I had a few beers, but that aside, it’s funny how the show that gives the most realistic and least glamourous portrayal of police work in recent memory is also the most attractive for me.
If you have even the tiniest interest in dramas centered on police work, you have to see this show. I’m not a fan of cop dramas in general, but The Wire is just plain good.
The Wire: Season 2
Jun 25th
One thing I loved about Season 1 of “The Wire” is that it seemed authentic. There’s no way for me to know if it is. My penchant for ass-kicking aside, I never worked in an inner-city policy department. (After I typed “penchant”, I voice in my head started chanting “Bic, Bic, Bic!”) But I reason it’s more likely for police work to be filled with paperwork, boredom, cursing, and office politics than non-stop wild gun battles because there’s a lot more of the former in real life than the latter.
The jargon and slang the characters used seemed authentic too, like the show’s creators talked to a lot of police officers and drug dealers before writing. I highly recommend watching the first season.
I’ve only watched two episodes from Season 2, but it’s disappointing so far because it doesn’t have that same sense of authenticity. The main setting moved to the inner harbor docks and focuses a lot on the life of the dock workers. A lot of the dialogue seems contrived and the camaraderie among the workers forced, like the show’s writers aren’t too familiar with that world.
Again, my penchant for moving shipping crates aside, never worked at the docks. But the depiction doesn’t ring true anymore. Also, there’s this new obnoxious character, Ziggy, who I hate. Part of what doesn’t ring true to me is that fact that he reached his mid-20s and no one has killed him yet. He’s not even missing a limb. 
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