sketch

The assignment this week was to write a sketch about current events. In our class, we start each sketch by casting people in the class to read the parts. I cast my classmates to play each other. It went over very well. I like how the song turned out, considering everyone was singing it for the first time and there was no tune to follow.

What’s Happening

CAST

Everyone.

Date: Now.
Scene: Here.

JASON
Jon, can you be Tara?

TARA (played by Jon)
Sure.

JASON
Tara, can you be Leon?

LEON (played by Tara)
Okay.

JASON
Using his sexy voice.

LEON (played by Tara)
(sexily) Okaaaaaay.

JASON
Leon, can you be Sean? Sean, can you be Jim? Jim, can you be Jessica? Jessica, can you be Anne? Anne, can you be Manuela? Manuela, can you be Pierce? And Pierce, can you read the stage directions?

Pierce gathers his internal chi and prepares to read the shit out of these stage directions.

MANUELA (played by Anne)
Before we start, can we get something to eat?

JASON
Depends. Does anyone like….COOKIES?!

Jason brings out a bag of cookies and offers one to fake Manuela.

JASON
Who else wants one?

JIM (played by Sean)
I do.

JASON
Here you go.

“Jim” begins eating the cookie.

JASON
Anyone else?

SEAN (played by Leon)
I’ll take one.

JASON
Here comes the cookie train.

JIM (played by Sean)
Milk.

Pierce wants a cookie.

JASON
Pierce.

JIM (played by Sean)
Milk!

ANNE (played by Jessica)
Cookie for me.

JASON
Cookie coming.

JIM (played by Sean) (yelling)
I NEED MILK!

JASON
M-m-m-milk cannon, coming up!

Sean, playing Jim, who’s playing Jessica, nervously wonders what the fuck is a milk cannon.

JASON
Just kidding. Milk slide!

Jason slides Fake Jim a quart of milk. Tara, the real Tara, not doppelganger Tara, begins to sniffle as she does not have a cookie.

JASON
Oh, Tara. You can have a cookie too.

TARA
Hooray for cookies!

JESSICA (played by Jim)
Hey, let’s sing a song about cookies!

JASON
Good idea. Everybody! One, two, three…

EVERYBODY:

“Cookie, cookie, cookie!
You go in my belly.
Cookie, cookie, cookie!
You go in my tum.
Cookie, cookie, cookie!
Gonna eat you up.
Cookie cookie, cookie!
Cause your yum yum yum.”

SFX: Applause.

TARA (played by Jon)
That was very nice, but it’s not quite what we meant when we said, “Write a current events skit.”

Scene: Blair House conference room. Obama, along with Democratic and Republican leaders, sit around a table.

OBAMA: I’ll sum up my opening remarks like this. As controversial as the efforts to reform health care have been thus far, when you ask people, should we move forward and try to reform the system, people still say yes. They still want to see change. So I hope we can keep an open mind and find some common ground in the next six hours.

Democrats and Republicans shuffle nervously.

REP. BOEHNER (R): Did you say six hours?
OBAMA: Yes.

REP. CANTORr lets out a slow, long, whistle. Sen. McCain raises his hand.

OBAMA: Yes, John?
SEN. MCCAIN (R): Can I have the bathroom pass?
OBAMA: We just got there.
SEN. MCCAIN (R): But I have to go now.
OBAMA: Fine.

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius hands McCain the Presidential bathroom pass. Sen. Schumer raises hand.

OBAMA: Chuck.
SEN. SCHUMER (D): Can I have the bathroom pass after McCain?
OBAMA: (sighs) Okay. But we have to get started.

Sen. Alexander, Sen. Reid, Sen. Baucus, and Rep. Camp raise their hands.

OBAMA: And no more questions about the bathroom pass.

Everyone puts their hands down.

OBAMA: I want to start with health care costs. Almost all of the long-term deficit and debt that we face relates to the exploding costs of Medicare and Medicaid. Almost all of it. (someone scoots their chair). That is the single biggest driver of our federal deficit. (chair scoots louder) And if we don’t get control over that (chair scoots louder) we can’t get control over our federal budget. (chair drowns out Obama) Who’s doing that?

SENATOR McCONNELL (R): (sheepishly) Sorry.

OBAMA: I want to start with the House Republican’s plan for reducing health care costs. Paul, I believe you’re up?

Rep. Ryan stands up and reads his report.

REP. RYAN (R): The Republican plan for controlling costs does a lot of cost controlling. It controls costs in several areas. Our plan has a lot of ups and downs, but I found it to be very interesting. In conclusion, I like our plan a lot.”

OBAMA: Paul. Look me in the eyes. Did you read your plan?
REP. RYAN (R): Of course I did! I read it last night!
OBAMA: Paul….
REP. RYAN (R):(looking down). No, I didn’t. I was playing Nintendo.
OBAMA: Okay, Paul. I want you to read your plan tonight and write me a summary tomorrow.

House Leader Nancy Pelosi waves her hand excitedly.

REP. PELOSI (D): Mr. President, Mr. President! Can I go next?
OBAMA: Sure, Nancy.

SPEAKER PELOSI (D): The House Democrat’s plan is a tale of loss and redemption, full of well-researched detail but also drama. One of the biggest surprises was when the main character, the public option, got killed midway while writing the bill. The bill is so good that, although it is over 2,220 pages, I read it twice.

Pelosi beams.

OBAMA: That’s very nice, Nancy.

REP. BOEHNER (R): Hey, you’re calling on Democrats more than Republicans. You like them better.
REP. RANGER (D): That’s not true, Bo-ner.
REP. BOEHNER (R): You take that back.
REP. RANGER (D): Make me.

OBAMA: Quiet! You know, it’s close to lunch. Let’s take a one-hour recess and meet here a 1:00.

Democrats and Republicans hurriedly gather their things. They go to lunch, sitting at separate tables.

Someone in my sketch writing class yesterday had a sketch where the punchline was the post’s title. It gave me the idea for this:

CHARACTERS
Charles Hill, 40s
Karen Crenshaw, 40s

Scene: Office.

RECEPTIONIST VO: “Ms. Crenshaw is here.”
CHUCK: Please send her in.

(Karen enters.)

CHUCK: Hi Karen. I’m Chuck. Welcome to Ringling, Ringling, Barnum & Bailey. Hope you found the place okay.
KAREN: Yes. Is the ring out front always on fire?
CHUCK: Only during business hours. Have a seat. (They sit). So, you mentioned on the phone you were looking for a lawyer to help you with a divorce.
KAREN: Yes, I…I don’t know how much you want to know. I found out last month my husband was cheating on me.
CHUCK: I’m so sorry.
KAREN: Yeah. Excuse my language, but my husband’s a bastard. I need someone who experienced, tough, and is going to tear him apart.
CHUCK: I have the perfect guy for you. His name is Ben. Graduated from Harvard law, with honors. Absolutely ferocious in the court room. Never lost a case.
KAREN: He sounds great. Let’s set up a meeting.
CHUCK: One more thing. Just so you’re not surprised. He’s a dancing bear.
KAREN: (puzzled) He dances with bears?
CHUCK: No. He dances, and he’s a bear. Literally a bear. Juggles a bit, but mostly just likes to dance. And he’s a bear.
KAREN: I don’t understand. You said he never lost a case. How does he practice law?
CHUCK: Well…he’s never lost because all of his cases end in mistrials. After the first few hours, he usually ends up eating one of the jurors, maiming the judge, or peeing on the courtroom floor and then hibernating in his own piss.
KAREN: How does he even get in the court room?
CHUCK: Oh, he wears a suit. Now, this will be tricky, but if we can get your husband to be the first witness and somehow smear him with honey and berries, Ben might “tear him apart” before the bailiff realizes what’s going on.
KAREN: No! I don’t want to kill my husband. I just want a divorce without losing the house or the kids.
CHUCK: Oh….
KAREN: I’ll cut to the chase. I came here because I saw your ad and I don’t have a lot of money.
CHUCK: Three-ring performance for a one-ring price.
KAREN: But I need a human lawyer. A good human lawyer. Do you have any non-bear lawyers working here?
CHUCK: Let me check. (Chuck puts on a top hat and taps his laptop keys with a pointer for a few moments.) Okay…okay…and….we’re all bears.
(Karen gathers her belongings.)
KAREN: You know, your ads are very deceptive. Someone is going to sue you one day.
CHUCK: Actually Ms. Crenshaw, when you have a team of lawyers that is 100% bears, no one sues you. If you change your mind and decide you need a mistrial or party entertainment, give me a call.
KAREN: Hmmph.
(Karen walks out. Phone rings)
CHUCK: Chuck Hill. Yes, JoJo. I’ll bring your honey jar right away.

Thoughts: I originally planned to taking the circus lawyer theme farther. “Dancing bear not good? How about a bearded lady? She connects with both men and women in the jury. No? How about a…” But I couldn’t think of anything funnier than a bear lawyer and though the skit would drag if I extended it. Maybe in a future version I’ll ad a quick back-and-forth where Chuck keeps suggesting different circus animals. “Moonla’s a real tiger in court.” “Is that because she’s an actual tiger?” “Okay, scratch that….”

CAST
CLERK
AL
FRANKIE

Scene: Hardware store.

CLERK: How are you?
AL: I’m good. Real good. Hey, what type of tape you got?
CLERK: Lots. Electrical tape. Duct tape. Masking tape. Depends. What do you need it for?
FRANKIE: That’s none of your business.
AL: Frankie! [to clerk] We’re both stressed out because of our deadline. We need something with good sound absorbing qualities.
CLERK: We don’t have any tape specifically for absorbing sound, but duct tape’s pretty thick. There’s some on the end stand.

Frankie grabs duct tape. He pulls off a piece and puts it over his mouth.

FRANKIE: Mmmmph! Mmmmph!

Frankie makes thumbs up sign.

AL: Get that off. [to clerk] Sorry, he’s a goofball. A few more things. You sell rope?
CLERK: They’re in a few different places. Rigging is in aisle 2. Nylon in aisle 8. And heavy-duty camo in 22. Sorry, we’re still reorganizing the store.
AL: Which one of those is best for tying two things together?
CLERK: Like?
AL: Like tying the hands of a bear.
FRANKIE. Yeah, heh heh heh heh. A bear. In the woods. Where no one can hear us. Heh heh heh, that’s funny.

AL glares at Frankie.

AL: Do you want to go to the woods?
FRANKIE: Al, I was just kidding.
AL: I’m not. Now shut up. [to clerk] We really do appreciate your help.
CLERK: Yeah, look, it sounds like you guys need nylon. Aisle 8. It’s time for my break, so if you guys don’t need anything else…
AL: One more thing. Do you have any heavy-duty trash bags?
CLERK: What do you mean by ‘heavy-duty’?
AL: Something that could hold a large object. About six feet tall.
CLERK: Like a six-foot bear?
FRANKIE: Yeah, like a six-foot bear.
AL: No, not like a six-foot bear. Because bears are taller than six-feet, and a six-foot bear would be ridiculous.
FRANKIE: Well, they got to be six-feet at some point. They don’t start at four-feet and jump up to eight-feet.
AL: Frankie, I swear to God.

FRANKIE: Okay, okay. I got this, Al. We’re looking for something you could fit six one-foot midgets in.
AL: Mother of Mary.
CLERK: I don’t think midgets come that small.
FRANKIE: These aren’t midgets. They’re dolls of midgets.
CLERK: Well, you can fit six one-foot doll midgets into any large trash bag.
FRANKIE: These are dolls of midgets, glued standing on each other’s shoulders, so they’re equivalently six-feet tall.
CLERK: Gotcha. Aisle 6. They’re the body bags, above the regular trash bags.
AL: They’re called body bags?
CLERK: We don’t judge here at the Home Depot.

I’ll probably revise the end in a few days, but I can’t think of anything better right now.

VOICE: Hey, where’s your daily sketch?
ME: This is it.
VOICE: This can’t be your daily sketch. This is a skit about writing a sketch.
ME: Yes, but it’s also a sketch. In fact, I’m going to cast it and put it on YouTube.
VOICE: Whose going to play you?
ME: Me.
VOICE: Walked into that one. And whose going to play a disembodied voice in your head?
ME: Ernest Borgnine.
VOICE: Do you know anything about Ernest Borgnine?
ME: Yes. He was in one of the early episodes of Simpsons.
VOICE: Do you know anything else about him?
ME: Yes. He sounds exactly like this.

ERNEST BORGNINE: I like crackers.

VOICE: You’re making this up. Your entire Ernest Borgnine knowledge consists of one episode of the Simpsons that you saw over fifteen years ago.

ERNEST BORGNINE: Row, Homer, row! I’ve got to get me some Skittles.

VOICE: That’s not even close to the quote. And if people could hear the Borgnine voice in your head right now, they wouldn’t be very impressed.
ME: Yeah, he’s starting to turn into Leslie Nielsen.

ERNEST BORGNINE NIELSEN: And don’t call me sherry.

VOICE: It’s Shirley! Don’t call me Shirley.
ME: Okay, Edna.
EDNA the VOICE: I’m out of here.
ME: See you tomorrow.
VOICE: You want me to tell them what voice you thought of after you changed my name to Edna?
ME: I’d prefer not.

HE-MAN: I HAVE THE POWER!!!

ME: I don’t think the Internet needed to know that.

CAST
TOM (Customer)
CARL (Assistant Manager)
CO-WORKER

Tom is scanning items at self-checkout in supermarket. He scans a six-pack of beer and a yellow light flashes. CARL, assistant manager at the supermarket, approaches.

CARL: Your I.D. please?

Tom is unaware Carl is there and continues scanning.

CARL: Sir, I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D.
CUT TO: Outside store. Tom is walking to his car.

CARL: I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D.

CUT TO: Outside Tom’s car.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. sir. I need to see your I.D.

Tom unlocks door. Tom and Carl get in.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. I—

CUT TO: Tom’s house. Tom and his family are eating dinner.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. sir. I need to see your I.D. I need..oh, thank you. [Daughter passes him mashed potatoes.] I need to see your I.D. I need–

CUT TO: Bedroom. Carl is in bed with Tom and his wife.
CARL: –to see your I.D.  I need to see your I.D. Sir. I need to see your I.D.

CUT TO: Bathroom. Tom is showering. Carl, clothed, is in shower with him.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. sir. I need to see your I.D. I need to–

CUT TO: Conference room. Tom is giving a presentation.
TOM: Our sales were down 5% last quarter, but considering the industry as a whole is down 20%, things could be worse.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D. Sir, if I could see your I.D.
CO-WORKER: Carl, who is that guy?

Tom turns to Carl and is startled, as if seeing him for the first time.
CARL: Sir, I need to see your I.D.
TOM: Oh, O.K.

Tom take his I.D. out and shows it to Carl. Carl looks it over.

CARL: Thanks.

Carl stands uncomfortably in front of Tom’s co-workers and then slinks off screen. He pops back in to grab a doughnut, then leaves.

Choke

CAST
CITIZEN, MUGGER, PASSERBY1, PASSERBY2, PASSERBY3

Mugger is choking Citizen from behind. Passerby1 enters.

CITIZEN: Help!
PASSERBY1: Hey! Let him go!

Mugger ignores Passerby1. Passerby1 goes behind Mugger and starts to choke him. Passerby2 enters.

MUGGER: Help!
PASSERBY2: Get off him!

Passerby2 starts to choke Passerby1. Passerby3 enters.

PASSERBY1: Help!
PASSERBY3: This is a No Choking Zone!

Passerby3 starts to choke Passerby2, creating a chain of 5 people choking each other. After a few moments, Citizen dies, then Mugger, then Passerby1, then Passerby2. Passerby3 surveys the four dead corpses in front of him.

PASSERBY3: Oh, crap.

CAST

J.J.
ABE
DES (Rastafarian)

Scene: Living room. J.J. and ABE are sitting on bean bag chairs, sharing a huge joint.

J.J.: [takes long puff] You ever wonder if we’re real?
ABE: What do you mean?
J.J.: I don’t know. Maybe we’re just a brain in a jar. Or maybe we’re like characters in a play, and there are these gods controlling us.
ABE: If that’s true, we got some pretty lazy gods running our lives. Hey, quit bogarting the smoke monster. [J.J. passes joint.]
J.J.: Where is everybody? I thought Des and Amber were coming.
ABE: I don’t know, man. You want to hiking tomorrow? It’ll be nice. We can smoke some bud at the top.
J.J.: Can’t. Told my Mom I’d help paint her fence tomorrow.
ABE: Okay, Huckleberry Finn.
J.J.: What?
ABE: Huckleberry Finn. The kid that got in trouble and had to paint someone’s fence.
J.J.: That’s Tom Sawyer.
ABE: Whatever.
J.J.: You’re getting punched for not knowing your literature. [J.J. whacks ABE on thigh.]
ABE: [clutches his leg, laughing uncontrollably] You fucker. You gave me a Charlie horse.
J.J.: Pass the joint, you’re going to drop it.
ABE: I got it. [takes drag, then passes joint] Fuck, now I have to pee. Save some for me.
J.J.: I will if you don’t jack-off in there.
ABE: Fuck you.
J.J.: I know what you do in there. [ABE gets up] Hey, grab the cake in the fridge when you get back.
ABE: What? There’s a girl in your fridge?
J.J.: No. Cake. Man, you’re higher than I am.

ABE leaves. The door handle jostles, and someone knocks.

J.J.: Hold on, door’s locked. [gets up, opens door]. Des!
DES: Mon. How ya doing?
J.J.: Good, bro. [hugs Des] Join the party.
DES: [enters] Here you go. A geeft. [hands over small bag of weed]
J.J.: What is this?
DES: You say-eed you wanted to try something different. This is Jin-Su. From Asia. Very nice.
J.J.: Thanks, man. [peeks outside] Oh, shit, sun’s almost up.

ABE enters.

J.J.: Dude, what’s that smell?

ABE lifts up pants leg.

ABE: You gave me a bruise. I had to put some Ben-Gay on it.
J.J.: [laughs] Sorry. Come on. We got a lot of shit to get through.

I had to abandon the original skit I was going to post. It was a struggle to write, and that may be a warning sign that the idea behind it isn’t good or clear enough. Anyway, this one was easier to get out.

CAST

Terrorist
Action Hero
Terrorist’s Buddy

Split-screen. Terrorist and Hero are talking to each other over the phone.

TERRORIST: If you want the hostages alive, you’ll pay us our $100 million.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TERRORIST: When did this happen? You guys negotiate with terrorists all the time. Come on.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TERRORIST: Tell you what I’ll do. Half the hostages for 50 million upfront, and the other half on an installment plan. No contracts, no interest, cancel any time.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TERRORIST: I have a bit of wiggle room, but not much. How’s this? $85 million for all 94 hostages. That’s less than $1 million per hostage. Very competitive price.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TERRORIST: Okay. $80 million for all the hostages. Free 2nd-day air, or you can pick them up at your convenience.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TERRORIST: Buddy, our margins are already razor thin. This is the best I can do.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TERRORIST: Hold on.

Terrorist covers phone speaker.

TERRORIST’S BUDDY (whispers): What’s going on?
TERRORIST (whispers): He’s playing hardball. I’m going to let him sweat a bit, then give him some heat.

Terrorist waits a few moments.

TERRORIST: I was just talking to my manager, and I gotta be honest with you. He thinks I’ve gone too low already. He wants to back out.

Terrorist gives thumbs up to his buddy.

ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with– .
TERRORIST: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don’t negotiate with terrorists, you don’t negotiate with terrorists. But look. If you want to make this happen, we gotta get it done now. My buddies here, there all like, “When do we get to cut off an arm?” “When do we get to cut off a leg?” “I want to put a head on my wall.” Barbarians, you know?
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Terrorist makes jack-off signal to his buddy.

TERRORIST: Dude, I’m sorry. I got another calls to make, and I’m not sure when this is going to happen if it doesn’t happen now. Look. I like you a lot. I really do. Final offer, now or never. $60 million for all the hostages, free overnight delivery, you can pay in 6 monthly installments, and they get to keep all their body parts.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with–
TERRORIST: And I’ll throw in a commemorative video of their experience here. We were going to post it on You Tube, might as well give it to you.
ACTION HERO: [long beat] Okay.
TERRORIST: Okay? Great. We’ll start the paper work here on our end. You have our account info, I believe. Once we receive the first payment, we’ll send them on their way. We know you’re good for the rest, but even if you’re not, we know where they live, ha ha ha. Thanks, and good doing business with you, Buh bye.

Terrorist hangs up.

ACTION HERO: I love negotiating with terrorists.

I was feeling blah today…

CAST
Clerk
Customer 1
Customer 2, female
Manager
Robber

Clerk is behind counter of a convenience store.

CLERK: How are you today?
CUSTOMER1: Blah blah.
CLERK: Sorry?
CUSTOMER1: Blah blah.
CLERK: I couldn’t make that out.
CUSTOMER1: Bla bla blu blu.
CLERK: Um…

Clerk scans items.

CLERK: That’s $8.92.

Customer1 hands $9.

CUST1: Bla bla bla.

Customer1 walks out. Customer2 approaches.

CUSTOMER2: Bla bla blu bla?
CLERK: Say again?
CUSTOMER2: Bla bla blu bla?
CLERK: I’m sorry. One more time. Slowly and really enunciate.
CUSTOMER2 (sighs): BLA. BLA. BLU. BLA.
CLERK: I don’t…I… Blok blu blee baa?

Customer 2 gasps. She draws her cardigan  over her chest.

CUSTOMER2: BLA BLA! BLA BLA BLA BLA!

Manager enters.

MANAGER: Bla bla bla blah bla bla bla?
CUSTOMER2: Bla bla (points to clerk) blah blah blah!
MANAGER: BLAAAAH? (to clerk) Bla bla bla, bla bla!
CLERK: I’m sorry! I don’t know what going on!

Customer2 walks out in a huff. Manager wags finger at clerk.

MANAGER: Bla bla, bla bla bla bla, BLA BLA.

Manager 2 leaves. Clerk rubs his face in his hands. A shifty-looking man approaches. He draws a gun and reads off a sheet of paper.

ROBBER: Put zee money in zee bag.
CLERK: Thank God! You speak English!
ROBBER: Yes. Put zee money in zee bag.
CLERK: Dude, whatever you want. I thought I was going crazy. [opens register]
ROBBER: Put zee money in zee bag.
CLERK: Wait a minute. Say something else. What day is today?
ROBBER: Put zee money in zee bag!
CLERK: No. What day is today?
ROBBER: Bag money put ARRR BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, BLAH BLAH!

(Manager enters)

MANAGER: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!
CLERK: I don’t care if you shoot me! I quit!

(Clerk runs out. Robber and Manager watch him leave.)

ROBBER: You know, it would have been easier just to fire him.
MANAGER: Yeah, but this way is more fun.

***

I revised the end, based on feedback from my sketch class. Here is the original:

ROBBER: Bag money put ARRR BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, BLAH BLAH!

CLERK yells, takes Robber’s gun, puts it in his own mouth and pulls trigger. Manager walks over, stunned.

MANAGER: Wow. We took that joke way too far.
ROBBER: My bad. I thought I put blanks in there.
MANAGER: This really sucks. (on PA) Clean-up at the counter.

I rewrote the Domino’s sketch from a few days ago. I wanted it to match the commercial it was based on more closely. I think it’s better now, but I’m not positive.

Domino’s Pizza (Ver 2)

CAST
CEO, DOMINO’S
DONNY late 30s
DONNY’S WIFE, 30s
CAITLIN, 30s
JINGLE VO

Scene: Montage of comments made on Twitter and web sites.

“Domino’s SUCKS!!!!”
“It’s like everything bad in the world in one slice.”
“Terrorists have taken over Domino’s and are trying to kill us with their pizza.”

CUT TO: Domino’s Headquarters
Text: Patrick Doyle, President

CEO: There comes a time when you know you need to change.

Graphic: “The Pizza Turnaround”, white lettering on a black background.

CEO: We heard some pretty harsh stuff about our pizza in our focus groups.

CUT TO: Focus group room.
Text: Actual Focus Group

DONNY: I tell you what, man, your crust tastes like a cardboard biscuit. And your sauce. It ain’t right.

CAITLIN texts on phone.

CAITLIN: I just twittered that you took ketchup and found a way to make it worse. Pound sign Domino’s sucks.

CUT TO: Domino’s Pizza Kitchen
CEO: Well, we heard you, and decided to change everything about our pizza. Crust, sauce, cheese, everything.

CUT TO: Pizza Montage. Ingredients spill out on counter as mentioned.
CEO VO: We picked out the best tomato sauce, the highest-quality cheese, and a fresh, buttery crust to make our best pizza yet. Then we poured dog food on top.

CUT TO: Donny’s House. CEO and PIZZA CHEF walk up to Donny’s front door

CEO: Donny doesn’t know it, but we’re going to surprise him with our new Kibbles n Cheese pizza.

CEO knocks on door. Donny, wearing a white tank top, opens the door.

DONNY: Yeah?
CEO: Patrick, CEO of Domino’s. Donny, we took your comments to heart and want you to be the first customer to try the brand new Domino’s.

DONNY suspiciously eyes pizza. He takes a bite out of a slice, and spits it out.

DONNY: What the [bleep]?! That’s Fido food. How can you make pizza for 50 years and still not get it right?

DONNY throws pizza down and slams door. CEO and PIZZA CHEF are crestfallen.

CUT TO: Sepia-tinted montage of photos of first Domino’s store, founders posing for camera.
CEO VO: We realized it was a bad idea to mess with tradition. So we went back to basics, using the recipe Domino’s founders created 50 years ago. Along with just one special ingredient.

CUT TO: Donny’s House.

CEO: Donny, we missed the bullseye with your last pizza, but I know you’re going to love our new recipe.
DONNY: Is there dog food in the pizza?
CEO: Of course not. Not at all.
DONNY: There cat food?

PIZZA CHEF throws his hands up in the air. CEO is crestfallen.

CUT TO: Video of CEO giving a presentation to staff. On whiteboard, “pet food” has a big red circle with a slash through it, and “human food” has a green checkmark next to it. He then points to a drawing of a light bulb.
CEO VO: We heard what you wanted loud and clear. You wanted a completely different recipe, made with ingredients for humans. So we came up with an innovative new pizza making system.

CUT TO: Kitchen. Blindfolded person is spun around, then clumsily reaches into pantry and tosses ingredients into a burlap sack.
CEO VO: Namely, blindfolding our janitor, spinning him until he became dizzy, and having him pick the ingredients for our new pizza.

CUT TO: Ingredient montage. Ends with finished bread pizza.
CEO VO: Oreos. Spaghetti. Can of corn. Grape Jam. All on a slice of whole-wheat bread and topped with stale croûtons. It’s pantry perfect.

CUT TO: Donny’s House. CEO and PIZZA CHEF approaches. They are holding a box with the oreo-spaghetti dessert pizza in it.
DONNY’S WIFE: Donny, it’s the devil boys again!
DONNY (inside): They got real pizza?

CEO and PIZZA CHEF open box. Donny’s wife glances inside.

DONNY’S WIFE: Nope. [to CEO] You better run now. Donny’s a real good shot.

CEO and PIZZA CHEF run away. Donny trots out, holding a shotgun.

DONNY: (yelling) The only pizza we eat is Papa John’s, you hear?

CEO and PIZZA CHEF look at each other.

CUT TO: Outside a Papa John’s.
CEO: It hit us. Pizza making was hard, and it was time for a radical new approach.

CEO, dressed in black, pulls ski mask over face.

CUT TO: Inside Papa John’s. The CEO and several accomplices storm into Papa John’s. His accomplices draw their guns and train them on the Papa John employees. The CEO tosses a Domino’s pizza bag on the counter.

CEO: Put the pizza in the bag! And the recipe book. Come on, move move move!

Papa John’s employee hurriedly shoves pizza boxes and recipe binder into Domino’s bag.

CUT TO: Donny’s house. PIZZA CHEF and CEO are a safe distance from Donny’s door.
CEO: (yelling) How is it?
DONNY: It don’t have dog food in it.

CEO high-fives Pizza Chef.
CEO: Yes!

CUT TO: Domino’s Headquarters
CEO: So give the new Domino’s a try. No dog food. No cat food. Lots of flavor.

CUT TO: Domino’s pizza graphic.
JINGLE VO: “Domino’s Pizza: It no longer tastes like shit.”

CAST
NICO, Prostitute
CARL (Male Friend)

ANNOUNCER VO: She’s a prostitute who’s had a hard-rock life and doesn’t kiss on the mouth. But she also has a heart of gold. She’s Erin Boncelli, starring in Texas Street Walker, Mondays at 10 on NBC.

(lights on)
Nico collapses to the ground.

CARL: Nico! What’s wrong?
NICO: It’s my heart of gold. It’s weighing me down.
CARL: I’ll call an ambulance.
NICO: Don’t bother. My heart of gold can’t pump blood. I’ll be dead in a minute.
CARL: Oh, Nico…Is there anything I can do?
NICO: I just have one request.
CARL: Yes?
NICO: Please don’t fuck my corpse.

Nico dies.

CARL: Did she say do or don’t?

(Blackout)

CAST

RICHARD—sales manager
CHUCK-job applicant

Scene: Office.

RICHARD: Chuck, this is going to be a short interview. I can tell whether people are right for sales in a few minutes. I just have one thing to ask. Ready?
CHUCK: I’m ready.
RICHARD: Sell me this pen.

Richard slides his pen over to Chuck.

CHUCK: Okay. Richard—can I call you Richard?–a pen is one of the most important tools for any sales manager. You’re off-site often, away from a computer, and have to jot down info about your clients quickly and without a fuss. How would you get any work done if you didn’t have that pen?
RICHARD: I could just go down the block and buy one.
CHUCK (crestfallen): Really? Shit.
RICHARD (long beat): You’re giving up?
CHUCK: What can I do? You have another supplier.
RICHARD: There’s plenty of things you can do.
CHUCK:  Fine. You sell me a pen then.

RICHARD: Okay. There was a survey done recently on people’s worst fears. Do you know what the #3 fear in America is? Not having a pen around when you need it. You can eliminate that fear from your life completely by buying this pen.
CHUCK: I already have a pen. And I love it.
RICHARD: No, you pretend you don’t have a pen so I can sell it to you.
CHUCK: But I don’t have a pen. It’s your pen. I’m just pretending it’s mine.
RICHARD: No. It’s my pen. Both in real-life and pretend-life. And I’m selling it to you, in pretend-life. Do you want this pen?
CHUCK: How much is it?
RICHARD: It’s usually $19.99. But I have a lot of inventory to get rid of, and I really need to close this sale and move on. If you buy it now, you can have it for only, this is crazy, just $4.99.
CHUCK: I don’t know. (mimicking) I could just go down the block and buy one.
RICHARD: You could do that. Walk four blocks in the cold and wait in line for 15 minutes on the off chance you’ll save a few pennies. Or you can this gold-laminated pen, right now, ready to use, for only $4.99.
CHUCK: Wow. You’re good. You’re really good. I’ll take it.

Chuck removes $5 from wallet.

RICHARD: No, I’m not really selling you my pen. I was just showing you how it’s done.
CHUCK: Fine. $10.
RICHARD: It’s not for sale.
CHUCK: This is my final offer. $20!
RICHARD: Look–
CHUCK: PLEASE, I’VE GOT TO HAVE IT. I’LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT, ANYTHING! I NEED THAT PEN!
RICHARD: Okay, okay, okay. Look, just take it. It’s a parting gift. You’re not who we’re looking for. The interview’s over.

Richard hands Chuck pen. Chuck smiles.

CHUCK: You’ve just been psych-oped!
RICHARD: What?
CHUCK: It’s a new sales tactic where you convince the client to do what you want without him ever knowing it. Open the envelope.

Chuck tosses Richard a sealed envelope. He opens it.

RICHARD: “Dear Richard, by the end of our interview, you will have given me your gold-laminated pen for free.” But how…
CHUCK: Seven years of psych-op training. Read the resume.

Richard glances at Chuck’s resume, already in front of him.

RICHARD: But on here it says your only sales experience is 2 months as a floor manager for IKEA.

CHUCK: With the glasses.

Chuck tosses Richard a pair of sunglasses and he re-reads resume.

RICHARD: Wow! Three years as a diplomat. Two years working for Queen Elizabeth the II. Seven years as an agent for…the CIB?
CHUCK: It’s a secret training organization. Part of the FOI.
RICHARD: What’s the FOI?
CHUCK: That’s also a secret.
RICHARD: Well…it’s very impressive. Do you want the job?
CHUCK (hands paper): Here’s my acceptance letter.
RICHARD: Starting salary is $54,000.

Chuck pulls out two wads of bills.

CHUCK: Money’s already in the pocket.
RICHARD: We can set you up with–
CHUCK: Corner office. Already convinced Sarah to let me have it. Moved my stuff in last Wednesday.

RICHARD: That’s it then. Welcome aboard.
CHUCK: Thank you. I’m keeping the pen though.