We live in an age of forgetting.
sketch
Another Recap!
May 23rd
The reading for my sketch comedy class was yesterday. We had a super audience. The theater was 80% full and they were very generous with their laughter. My sketch was an updated version of Cheaply Made News (pdf link here–formatting it for the blog is a huge pain). I played Merle, an old coot who lives on the CMN roof.
I had small parts in most of my classmates’ sketches too. It was fun, but the experience made me realize how hard acting is. There are a dozen different ways to read every line, and I struggled figuring out the right way (or at least a compelling way) to read most of the lines. Part of me wants to take a beginner’s actor course so I can do a better job next time. I noticed that the people in my class with acting experience could do a cold reading of a script and somehow figure out on the spot a good way to read their lines.
Weekend Update – SNL Jokes
May 4th
This week’s sketch class assignment was to write a sketch on current events. I wrote a “Weekend Update” sketch (the news jokes SNL does every week). I got some good feedback from my classmates, but I probably won’t revise this one as it has a shelf life of like two days.
***
CAST
Seth Myers
Lance Orton, Street Vendor
Duane Jackson, Street Vendor
SETH: I’m Seth Myers. Welcome to Weekend Update.
SETH: New York City dodged a terrorist attack when a SUV left in Times Square and loaded with propane tanks, timing devices, and over 100 pounds of fertilizer failed to detonate. Police say one reason the car didn’t explode was because the bomber used the wrong type of fertilizer. I think I can speak for all New Yorkers when I say this: thank God he didn’t know about Miracle-Blo.
Image: “Miracle-Blo” fertilizer, modeled after “Miracle Gro.”
SETH: A Pakistani Taliban group claimed responsibility for the attempted attack. Listen. Taliban. Not to give marketing advice to evil terrorist groups, but have you considered not taking credit for screw-ups? If I were you, here’s the press release I would announce: Al Qaeda did it.
SETH: One suspect is a white male in his 40s seen on video leaving the area near the SUV. The man glanced back at the SUV, and then removed his dark shirt, revealing… a red shirt. I’m no Master of Disguise. But that moves only works if the cameras are being used for a 20\20 special on obesity.
Image: Shot of overweight pedestrians with heads and feet out of frame.
SETH: And how does taking your shirt off make you a suspect? If that’s the bar to jump, put out an APB for these guys: Tracey Morgan, Sawyer from LOST. And the entire Abercrombie & Fitch catalog.
Images: Tracey Morgan shirtless, Sawyer from LOST shirtless, group of smiling, shirtless men in black & white on Abercrombie catalog.
SETH: (impersonating Sawyer)” Son-of-a-bitch. This island’s hot.” Seth mimes taking shirt off.
SETH: Joining us to talk about the attempted bombing is Lance Orton Sr., one of the street vendors who notified police about the rigged Nissan Pathfinder.
Audience applause.
ORTON: Shucks, you don’t need to applaud.
SETH: So, Lance. What was it about that SUV that made you suspicious?
ORTON: I worked that corner for 12 years, and I’ve never seen a car left parked and running for more than a few minutes. Also, it had a New York license plate.
SETH: Why was that suspicious?
ORTON: New Yorkers aren’t dumb enough to try to park in Times Square.
SETH: A lot of people are calling you a hero for what you did.
ORTON: I’m no hero. Just glad not to be playing the harp upstairs right now. Listen, Seth. I see you have a lot of papers on your desk.
SETH: I do.
ORTON: You have anything to carry them in?
SETH: Well, no, I just—
Orton pulls out knock-off hand bag.
ORTON: I got real Gucci. 1 for 20, 2 for 35, 3 for 50.
SETH:I don’t really need a–
ORTON: Check out the stitching, Seth. That’s hand-stitched. Straight from Italy. You can’t get this anywhere else. I got Prada, I got Chanel, I got Juicy Cot-or. 1 for 20, 2 for 35, 3 for 50.
Orton pulls out several handbags, puts them on desk. Duane Jackson slides in on a rolling chair. He bumps into Orton.
JACKSON (raspy): Saaaaath! How ya doing?
SETH: It’s Duane Jackson, the other vendor who notified police about the SUV.
Audience applause.
JACKSON: Keep it going for Du-wayne! Yeah!
ORTON: You’re in my spot!
JACKSON: We’ll share. Seth, you know what time it is?
SETH: It’s 12:22.
JACKSON: No, man. It’s 2 a.m.. You need a new watch. I got Rolex. I got Seiko. I got Citizen. 100% real. I’m the mayor of Watch Town. 1 for 15, 2 for 25, 3 for 35.
ORTON: You trying to undercut me? Seth, you don’t want that junk. It’ll fall apart next week. Get yourself’ a nice Prada. 1 for 20, 2 for 35, 3 for 50.
SETH: Guys, stop! Thank you for what you did, but I don’t want a handbag or a watch.
ORTON: I hear you, Seth.
JACKSON: You’re not looking for this type of merchandise.
SETH: No, I’m not.
JACKSON: I understand. That’s why I brought some cock rings. One for 3, 2 for 5, 3 for 7. All colors, all flavors.
Jackson lays out cock rings on table.
SETH: Lance Orton and Duane Jackson, everybody.
Audience applause.
ORTON: Thank you, Seth.
JACKSON: I’m on 48th and 7th !
Orton and Jackson leave.
SETH: In other news. Arizona passed a tough anti-immigration law that allows police to question anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. You sure you want to do this, said these guys?
Image: Native Americans.
SETH: An oil well in the Gulf of Mexico ruptured, creating an oil slick the size of Rhode Island. Emergency crews are dealing with the problem by dragging parts of the spill out to sea and then lighting them on fire. Seriously. That’s the winner. The technique beat out competing ideas, such as sucking the oil out with giant bendy straws, dyeing the oil “sea blue”, and running our cars on Super Premium Seagull.
Images: Giant bendy straws dipped in oil slick, a bottle of “Ocean Blue No. 5”, and a driver pouring a bucket of oil-covered seagulls into her gas tank.
SETH: British Petroleum, the oil company that owns the ruptured well, promised to take full responsibility and…(Seth checks earpiece) they just changed their name.
Image: BP graphic changes to “SunTech” with image of smiling sun saying, “BP? Never heard of them.”
SETH: And that’s the news. I’m Seth Myers.
Stunt Buddy (sketch)
Apr 13th
This sketch isn’t super, but I haven’t posted in a while so I thought I’d share it.
CHARACTERS
CARL: Mid 30s. Carl’s hope and spirit erodes a little more each year by the growing realization that he is condemmed to live an ordinary life. Carl has a mustache.
TAMMY: Late 20s. Tammy likes blood oranges and fake jade.
ANNOUNCER VO
JINGLE VO
CARL’S STUNT BUDDY, ALBERTO: A charismastic, enthusiastic man who lives a full life with no regrets.
SCENE: Bedroom.
ANNOUNCER VO: Ever wake up and dread going to work?
SFX: Obnoxious alarm clock.
CARL: Uhh..Wish I had a sick day left.
ANNOUNCER VO: You don’t need a sick day. You need a…
CUT TO: White background.
JINGLE VO: STUNT BUDDY!
A man that vaguely looks like Carl cartwheels onto the screen and gives a thumbs-up.
CUT TO: Split screen of Carl talking to 1-800-STUNT-BD operator.
ANNOUNCER VO: Just call 1-800-STUNT-BD, answer a few questions, and a professional stunt double will be sent to your workplace by 9 a.m.
CARL: (groggy) I work at OmniTech. I have a sales presentation at 2. Oh, and I’m avoiding Karen. I got drunk last night and hit on her in front of her boyfriend.
TAMMY: Okay, Mr. Simmons. We’ve loaded up your Facebook profile and are scanning for a match.
Left side: Goofy picture of Carl with his eyes crossed and cheeks puffed out. Dozens of photos flip by until the computer finds a man that vaguely looks like Carl, except without a mustache. Text: Match Found.
CUT TO: Board room. Executives are around board table, listening to Carl’s Stunt Buddy.
ANNOUNCER VO: You stay in bed while your Stunt Buddy does the work.
Carl’s Stunt Buddy, now wearing a fake mustache, is giving a presentation.
CARL’s STUNT BUDDY: And that’s why I think our 3rd quarter will be the best ever.
Executives applaud. Stunt Buddy cathwheels off stage. CUT TO: Office kitchen.
ANNOUNCER VO: Your Stunt Buddy can handle any situation. Work…”
A woman shows baby pictures to her co-workers. Stunt Buddy cartwheels onto screen.
CARL’s STUNT BUDDY: Baby pictures? That’s one of my likes on Facebook!
CUT TO: Funeral house.
ANNOUNCER VO: Funerals.
CUT TO: Stunt Buddy cartwheels to podium.
CARL’s STUNT BUDDY: Grandpa Murray was a great man.
Stunt Buddy cartwheels away. CUT TO: Front porch.
ANNOUNCER VO: Even breakups.
CARL’s STUNT BUDDY: I’m sorry, Mandy. I’m just not the type of guy who can stick with one woman.
Stunt Buddy cartwheels away. CUT TO: Offer screen.
ANNOUNCER VO: So call 1-800-STUNT-BD today. When you need more “me time”, we’ll provide the me.
Cheaply Made News (sketch)
Apr 1st
Scene: Television news studio. Two anchors sit at a wooden desk. A crudely drawn “Channel 12 News” hangs in the background.
REYNOLDS: “I’m Gloria Reynolds.”
PETERSON: “And I’m Chet Peterson. Welcome to Cheaply Made News. Our top story tonight:”
Chet picks up a newspaper and scans the headlines.
PETERSON: “No…boring…Toyota announces recall of the 2010 Prius. It appears that the recall, the largest in Toyota’s history, will affect over 180,000 people and…
Chet turns a few pages.
PETERSON: “…the chicken was found, unharmed, but wiser. Gloria?”
REYNOLDS: “Nice reporting, Chet. Let’s see what the weekend has in store for us with Wally in the Weather Center. Wally?”
CUT TO: Small room with sparse map of U.S. on chalkboard. Wally’s head is out window.
WALLY: “Gloria, it’s a beautiful, sunny day. Temperature around, I don’t know, 75, 80 degrees?”
CUT TO: Newsroom.
REYNOLDS: What’s the weekend look like, Wally?
CUT TO: Weather room.
WALLY: Hmm. Hold on.
Wally leans out window.
WALLY: (yelling) Hey, Merle! What’s the weather look like tomorrow?
MERLE: (yelling) Bones feel good.
WALLY: (yelling) Thanks.
Wally puts a sun sticker on the weather map.
WALLY: Sunny and rain-free. Gloria?
CUT TO: Newsroom. Peterson is reading newspaper.
PETERSON: This Toyota chicken is amazing. It’s lived so much.
REYNOLDS: Thanks, Wally. Time for sports with Brett Michaels.
CUT TO: Channel 7 newsroom. The Channel 7 anchor is in the background, out of focus, giving the sports report. Michaels is crouched down.
MICHAELS (whispering): Hi Gloria and Chet. Here are the latest scores.
CH 7 SPORTSCASTER: The Caps are up 2-1 in the 3rd.
MICHAELS (whispering): Caps up, 2-1.
CH 7 SPORTSCASTER: Wizards lose a close one to the Clippers last night, 104-100.
MICHAELS (whispering): Darn. Wizards lost. 104-100.
CH 7 SPORTSCASTER: And the Nats are battling it out against the Padres in…hey, who is that?
MICHAELS (whispering): Gotta go!
CUT TO: Newsroom.
REYNOLDS: Thanks, Brett.
PETERSON: Did you know chickens can cross-breed with turkeys? The result is a “Turkin.”
REYNOLDS: “Are you “Turkin” our chains, Chet?
PETERSON: (laughs) Not at all. We’ll be back in a few minutes. Stay tuned for our exclusive interview with Sarah Palin.
CUT TO: Shot of Reynolds sitting in chair. Palin is not in shot.
REYNOLDS: Sarah, does being in the public eye get in the way of raising your children?
CUT TO: Shot of Palin.
PALIN: Not at all,
FAKE PALIN VO: Gloria.
PALIN: …not at all.
What’s Happening (sketch)
Feb 28th
The assignment this week was to write a sketch about current events. In our class, we start each sketch by casting people in the class to read the parts. I cast my classmates to play each other. It went over very well. I like how the song turned out, considering everyone was singing it for the first time and there was no tune to follow.
What’s Happening
CAST
Everyone.
Date: Now.
Scene: Here.
JASON
Jon, can you be Tara?
TARA (played by Jon)
Sure.
JASON
Tara, can you be Leon?
LEON (played by Tara)
Okay.
JASON
Using his sexy voice.
LEON (played by Tara)
(sexily) Okaaaaaay.
JASON
Leon, can you be Sean? Sean, can you be Jim? Jim, can you be Jessica? Jessica, can you be Anne? Anne, can you be Manuela? Manuela, can you be Pierce? And Pierce, can you read the stage directions?
Pierce gathers his internal chi and prepares to read the shit out of these stage directions.
MANUELA (played by Anne)
Before we start, can we get something to eat?
JASON
Depends. Does anyone like….COOKIES?!
Jason brings out a bag of cookies and offers one to fake Manuela.
JASON
Who else wants one?
JIM (played by Sean)
I do.
JASON
Here you go.
“Jim” begins eating the cookie.
JASON
Anyone else?
SEAN (played by Leon)
I’ll take one.
JASON
Here comes the cookie train.
JIM (played by Sean)
Milk.
Pierce wants a cookie.
JASON
Pierce.
JIM (played by Sean)
Milk!
ANNE (played by Jessica)
Cookie for me.
JASON
Cookie coming.
JIM (played by Sean) (yelling)
I NEED MILK!
JASON
M-m-m-milk cannon, coming up!
Sean, playing Jim, who’s playing Jessica, nervously wonders what the fuck is a milk cannon.
JASON
Just kidding. Milk slide!
Jason slides Fake Jim a quart of milk. Tara, the real Tara, not doppelganger Tara, begins to sniffle as she does not have a cookie.
JASON
Oh, Tara. You can have a cookie too.
TARA
Hooray for cookies!
JESSICA (played by Jim)
Hey, let’s sing a song about cookies!
JASON
Good idea. Everybody! One, two, three…
EVERYBODY:
“Cookie, cookie, cookie!
You go in my belly.
Cookie, cookie, cookie!
You go in my tum.
Cookie, cookie, cookie!
Gonna eat you up.
Cookie cookie, cookie!
Cause your yum yum yum.”
SFX: Applause.
TARA (played by Jon)
That was very nice, but it’s not quite what we meant when we said, “Write a current events skit.”
Obama’s Health Care Summit (sketch)
Feb 26th
Scene: Blair House conference room. Obama, along with Democratic and Republican leaders, sit around a table.
OBAMA: I’ll sum up my opening remarks like this. As controversial as the efforts to reform health care have been thus far, when you ask people, should we move forward and try to reform the system, people still say yes. They still want to see change. So I hope we can keep an open mind and find some common ground in the next six hours.
Democrats and Republicans shuffle nervously.
REP. BOEHNER (R): Did you say six hours?
OBAMA: Yes.
REP. CANTORr lets out a slow, long, whistle. Sen. McCain raises his hand.
OBAMA: Yes, John?
SEN. MCCAIN (R): Can I have the bathroom pass?
OBAMA: We just got there.
SEN. MCCAIN (R): But I have to go now.
OBAMA: Fine.
HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius hands McCain the Presidential bathroom pass. Sen. Schumer raises hand.
OBAMA: Chuck.
SEN. SCHUMER (D): Can I have the bathroom pass after McCain?
OBAMA: (sighs) Okay. But we have to get started.
Sen. Alexander, Sen. Reid, Sen. Baucus, and Rep. Camp raise their hands.
OBAMA: And no more questions about the bathroom pass.
Everyone puts their hands down.
OBAMA: I want to start with health care costs. Almost all of the long-term deficit and debt that we face relates to the exploding costs of Medicare and Medicaid. Almost all of it. (someone scoots their chair). That is the single biggest driver of our federal deficit. (chair scoots louder) And if we don’t get control over that (chair scoots louder) we can’t get control over our federal budget. (chair drowns out Obama) Who’s doing that?
SENATOR McCONNELL (R): (sheepishly) Sorry.
OBAMA: I want to start with the House Republican’s plan for reducing health care costs. Paul, I believe you’re up?
Rep. Ryan stands up and reads his report.
REP. RYAN (R): The Republican plan for controlling costs does a lot of cost controlling. It controls costs in several areas. Our plan has a lot of ups and downs, but I found it to be very interesting. In conclusion, I like our plan a lot.”
OBAMA: Paul. Look me in the eyes. Did you read your plan?
REP. RYAN (R): Of course I did! I read it last night!
OBAMA: Paul….
REP. RYAN (R):(looking down). No, I didn’t. I was playing Nintendo.
OBAMA: Okay, Paul. I want you to read your plan tonight and write me a summary tomorrow.
House Leader Nancy Pelosi waves her hand excitedly.
REP. PELOSI (D): Mr. President, Mr. President! Can I go next?
OBAMA: Sure, Nancy.
SPEAKER PELOSI (D): The House Democrat’s plan is a tale of loss and redemption, full of well-researched detail but also drama. One of the biggest surprises was when the main character, the public option, got killed midway while writing the bill. The bill is so good that, although it is over 2,220 pages, I read it twice.
Pelosi beams.
OBAMA: That’s very nice, Nancy.
REP. BOEHNER (R): Hey, you’re calling on Democrats more than Republicans. You like them better.
REP. RANGER (D): That’s not true, Bo-ner.
REP. BOEHNER (R): You take that back.
REP. RANGER (D): Make me.
OBAMA: Quiet! You know, it’s close to lunch. Let’s take a one-hour recess and meet here a 1:00.
Democrats and Republicans hurriedly gather their things. They go to lunch, sitting at separate tables.
Lost: Game Show (Sketch)
Feb 21st
CHARACTERS
PAUL, Host
LINDSEY, Contestant
CARL, Lindsey’s friend
Scene: Game show set, similar to “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.” Host and contestant sit opposite each other.
PAUL: Welcome back to The Hatch, the trivia show about LOST. I’m Paul Plato. Our challenger, Lindsey Cobb, is still on the island. She has $7,500 and has two plot twists left. Ready for Round 2?
LINDSEY: Woooo! LOST!
PAUL: Sounds like a yes. Let’s enter The Hatch.
Lights dim, spotlights on.
PAUL: For $10,000. LOST is most like which of the following shows?
A. Dallas.
B. Twin Peaks.
C. The Sopranos.
D. LOST is the most amazing show ever and can’t be compared to anything else.
Lindsey spaces out and doesn’t answer.
PAUL: Lindsey? 15 seconds left.
LINDSEY: Sorry. I was just thinking about how awesome LOST is. My answer is D. LOST rocks!
Lindsey plays air guitar.
PAUL: Lindsey? You just won $10,000! [applause] Next question. For $15,000. In a survey last week, 500 LOST fans were asked, “What is the biggest unanswered question so far in Season 6?” What was the most common response?
A. What the hell happened to Desmond?
B. What the hell is going on?
C. What the—?
D. The writers will provide answers, the writers will provide answers.
LINDSEY: D, D! The writers are going to answer all our questions. Oh my God. Desmond’s name starts with D. And Dharma. And one of the hatch numbers is 4. D is the fourth letter in the alphabet. Woah.
PAUL: Let’s see if you’re right. The answer, for $15,000, is…D! [applause] Okay, Lindsey. You can stop now and keep the $15,000. Or you can risk it all on one final question…for $25,000.
LINDSEY: I’m going to be like Sawyer on Juliette.
PAUL: Uh…
LINDSEY: I’m going for it! [Audience cheers.]
PAUL: Okay. For $25,000. Here is the question. When LOST finally ends–
LINDSEY: (hyper-ventilating) Oh, god. It’s going to end.
PAUL: There there. When LOST finally ends, which of the following theories is most likely to be true?
A. Jacob and The Man in Black are fallen angels.
B. The island is in a time loop.
C. The smoke monster was once Jacob’s slave.
D. The hydrogen bomb created an alternate reality when it exploded.
LINDSEY: Whew. That’s a tough one—
PAUL: Hold on.
E. The island moves in space and time.
F. Jack’s father was born on the island.
G. Hurley can see ghosts because he is a ghost.
H. All the characters are ghosts.
LINDSEY: Wow. Well–
PAUL: Still going.
I. Richard doesn’t age because he uses beauty products.
J. The whole thing will turn out to be a dream.
K. All of the above.
L. None of the above.
The question takes up ¾ of the screen. Paul and Lindsey poke her heads up above the questions.
PAUL: Remember, you have two plot twists left.
LINDSEY: Okay. I want to use the Jughead.
PAUL: Blasting half the incorrect answers away. Let’s launch the Jughead. SFX: Lost theme. And the choices that are eliminated are…none of them.
LINDSEY: What? How is that possible?
PAUL: Anything is possible in LOST, Lindsey.
PAUL stares into camera and makes jazz hands. SFX: Lost theme.
PAUL: What’s your next move?
LINDSEY: I’m using my last plot twist. I want to call my friend, Carl.
PAUL: Let’s put Carl on the line. SFX: Phone rings.
CARL: Hello?
PAUL: Carl, this is Paul Plato from The Hatch. Lindsey is here with a chance to win $25,000, and she needs your help. Are you ready?
CARL: Lindsey! I have so much to tell you!
PAUL: You have 30 seconds, go.
LINDSEY: Carl, I don’t have time to read all the choices. Just tell me, which theory do you think–
CARL: Lindsey, the season finale of LOST was leaked, and I watched it! It’s amazing.
LINDSEY: Don’t spoil it! Just tell me, which theory–
PAUL: 15 seconds.
CARL: You don’t understand. The Valenzetti Equation is real! It’s all about the doom of humanity. And there are two smoke monsters! And that’s after they ganged up and killed the third smoke monster!
LINDSEY: What?
PAUL: 5 seconds.
CARL: It gets better! LOST is an anagram! It explains the entire show. L, Love. O, the Others. S-
PAUL: Time’s up. Lindsey, you’re out of plot devices. We need an answer. You have 15 seconds.
LINDSEY: What does the S stand for? Security? No. Safety? Maybe. And the T. Time Travel! Yes!
PAUL: Lindsey, we need an answer. 5 seconds.
LINDSEY: But what does love have to do with it? Desmond and Penny! I get it now!
Sfx: Errnt.
PAUL: I’m sorry. The correct answer is…they were all correct answers. Any letter you would have said would have been correct. As I foreshadowed a few minutes ago, anything is possible in LOST. I’m sorry.
LINDSEY: Claire and Rousseau! Hurley’s visions! It’s all makes sense. I HAVE REACHED NIRVANA!
Lindsey slumps back into her chair, in pure bliss.
PAUL: Sounds like a fun place to be. Until next week, this is Paul Plato for The Hatch.
Ringling, Ringling, Barnum, & Bailey (sketch)
Feb 15th
Someone in my sketch writing class yesterday had a sketch where the punchline was the post’s title. It gave me the idea for this:
CHARACTERS
Charles Hill, 40s
Karen Crenshaw, 40s
Scene: Office.
RECEPTIONIST VO: “Ms. Crenshaw is here.”
CHUCK: Please send her in.
(Karen enters.)
CHUCK: Hi Karen. I’m Chuck. Welcome to Ringling, Ringling, Barnum & Bailey. Hope you found the place okay.
KAREN: Yes. Is the ring out front always on fire?
CHUCK: Only during business hours. Have a seat. (They sit). So, you mentioned on the phone you were looking for a lawyer to help you with a divorce.
KAREN: Yes, I…I don’t know how much you want to know. I found out last month my husband was cheating on me.
CHUCK: I’m so sorry.
KAREN: Yeah. Excuse my language, but my husband’s a bastard. I need someone who experienced, tough, and is going to tear him apart.
CHUCK: I have the perfect guy for you. His name is Ben. Graduated from Harvard law, with honors. Absolutely ferocious in the court room. Never lost a case.
KAREN: He sounds great. Let’s set up a meeting.
CHUCK: One more thing. Just so you’re not surprised. He’s a dancing bear.
KAREN: (puzzled) He dances with bears?
CHUCK: No. He dances, and he’s a bear. Literally a bear. Juggles a bit, but mostly just likes to dance. And he’s a bear.
KAREN: I don’t understand. You said he never lost a case. How does he practice law?
CHUCK: Well…he’s never lost because all of his cases end in mistrials. After the first few hours, he usually ends up eating one of the jurors, maiming the judge, or peeing on the courtroom floor and then hibernating in his own piss.
KAREN: How does he even get in the court room?
CHUCK: Oh, he wears a suit. Now, this will be tricky, but if we can get your husband to be the first witness and somehow smear him with honey and berries, Ben might “tear him apart” before the bailiff realizes what’s going on.
KAREN: No! I don’t want to kill my husband. I just want a divorce without losing the house or the kids.
CHUCK: Oh….
KAREN: I’ll cut to the chase. I came here because I saw your ad and I don’t have a lot of money.
CHUCK: Three-ring performance for a one-ring price.
KAREN: But I need a human lawyer. A good human lawyer. Do you have any non-bear lawyers working here?
CHUCK: Let me check. (Chuck puts on a top hat and taps his laptop keys with a pointer for a few moments.) Okay…okay…and….we’re all bears.
(Karen gathers her belongings.)
KAREN: You know, your ads are very deceptive. Someone is going to sue you one day.
CHUCK: Actually Ms. Crenshaw, when you have a team of lawyers that is 100% bears, no one sues you. If you change your mind and decide you need a mistrial or party entertainment, give me a call.
KAREN: Hmmph.
(Karen walks out. Phone rings)
CHUCK: Chuck Hill. Yes, JoJo. I’ll bring your honey jar right away.
Thoughts: I originally planned to taking the circus lawyer theme farther. “Dancing bear not good? How about a bearded lady? She connects with both men and women in the jury. No? How about a…” But I couldn’t think of anything funnier than a bear lawyer and though the skit would drag if I extended it. Maybe in a future version I’ll ad a quick back-and-forth where Chuck keeps suggesting different circus animals. “Moonla’s a real tiger in court.” “Is that because she’s an actual tiger?” “Okay, scratch that….”
The Limit (sketch, reality show)
Feb 13th
HOST VO: On the next episode of The Limit, the final three contestants face their hardest eating challenge yet.
HOST: Tayna. Bo. Tranny Granny. I hope you have a big appetite. Because you’re eating maggots.
Host lifts lid of maggot pot. Tayna yawns.
BO: Let’s do this!
HOST: Hold on, Bo. These aren’t ordinary maggots. These maggots have AIDS.
TAYNA: Can you get AIDS from the maggots?
HOST: Only if you already have herpes.
TAYNA: Whatever.
HOST VO: Things heat up in the Rompin’ Room when Bo makes a confession.
BO: I totally filmed us having sex and uploaded it to the Internet.
TAYNA: Whatever.
BO: You cool with that?
TAYNA: Yeah. Did you put it on my sex site?
BO: When you say sex site, it makes me want to have sex.
Bo and Tayna make out.
HOST VO: And the final challenge before Judgment Court will push everyone to…the limit.
Tayna, Bo, and Tranny Granny are dressed as clowns. A table of pies is near them. A group of scared kids are tied together.
HOST: Ready? Aim?
BO: Let’s do thiiiis!
CUT TO: Graphic.
HOST VO: Next on The Limit. We’ll find it eventually.
You Got One of Those (Sketch)
Feb 7th
CAST
CLERK
AL
FRANKIE
Scene: Hardware store.
CLERK: How are you?
AL: I’m good. Real good. Hey, what type of tape you got?
CLERK: Lots. Electrical tape. Duct tape. Masking tape. Depends. What do you need it for?
FRANKIE: That’s none of your business.
AL: Frankie! [to clerk] We’re both stressed out because of our deadline. We need something with good sound absorbing qualities.
CLERK: We don’t have any tape specifically for absorbing sound, but duct tape’s pretty thick. There’s some on the end stand.
Frankie grabs duct tape. He pulls off a piece and puts it over his mouth.
FRANKIE: Mmmmph! Mmmmph!
Frankie makes thumbs up sign.
AL: Get that off. [to clerk] Sorry, he’s a goofball. A few more things. You sell rope?
CLERK: They’re in a few different places. Rigging is in aisle 2. Nylon in aisle 8. And heavy-duty camo in 22. Sorry, we’re still reorganizing the store.
AL: Which one of those is best for tying two things together?
CLERK: Like?
AL: Like tying the hands of a bear.
FRANKIE. Yeah, heh heh heh heh. A bear. In the woods. Where no one can hear us. Heh heh heh, that’s funny.
AL glares at Frankie.
AL: Do you want to go to the woods?
FRANKIE: Al, I was just kidding.
AL: I’m not. Now shut up. [to clerk] We really do appreciate your help.
CLERK: Yeah, look, it sounds like you guys need nylon. Aisle 8. It’s time for my break, so if you guys don’t need anything else…
AL: One more thing. Do you have any heavy-duty trash bags?
CLERK: What do you mean by ‘heavy-duty’?
AL: Something that could hold a large object. About six feet tall.
CLERK: Like a six-foot bear?
FRANKIE: Yeah, like a six-foot bear.
AL: No, not like a six-foot bear. Because bears are taller than six-feet, and a six-foot bear would be ridiculous.
FRANKIE: Well, they got to be six-feet at some point. They don’t start at four-feet and jump up to eight-feet.
AL: Frankie, I swear to God.
FRANKIE: Okay, okay. I got this, Al. We’re looking for something you could fit six one-foot midgets in.
AL: Mother of Mary.
CLERK: I don’t think midgets come that small.
FRANKIE: These aren’t midgets. They’re dolls of midgets.
CLERK: Well, you can fit six one-foot doll midgets into any large trash bag.
FRANKIE: These are dolls of midgets, glued standing on each other’s shoulders, so they’re equivalently six-feet tall.
CLERK: Gotcha. Aisle 6. They’re the body bags, above the regular trash bags.
AL: They’re called body bags?
CLERK: We don’t judge here at the Home Depot.
I’ll probably revise the end in a few days, but I can’t think of anything better right now.
Daily Sketch
Feb 5th
VOICE: Hey, where’s your daily sketch?
ME: This is it.
VOICE: This can’t be your daily sketch. This is a skit about writing a sketch.
ME: Yes, but it’s also a sketch. In fact, I’m going to cast it and put it on YouTube.
VOICE: Whose going to play you?
ME: Me.
VOICE: Walked into that one. And whose going to play a disembodied voice in your head?
ME: Ernest Borgnine.
VOICE: Do you know anything about Ernest Borgnine?
ME: Yes. He was in one of the early episodes of Simpsons.
VOICE: Do you know anything else about him?
ME: Yes. He sounds exactly like this.
ERNEST BORGNINE: I like crackers.
VOICE: You’re making this up. Your entire Ernest Borgnine knowledge consists of one episode of the Simpsons that you saw over fifteen years ago.
ERNEST BORGNINE: Row, Homer, row! I’ve got to get me some Skittles.
VOICE: That’s not even close to the quote. And if people could hear the Borgnine voice in your head right now, they wouldn’t be very impressed.
ME: Yeah, he’s starting to turn into Leslie Nielsen.
ERNEST BORGNINE NIELSEN: And don’t call me sherry.
VOICE: It’s Shirley! Don’t call me Shirley.
ME: Okay, Edna.
EDNA the VOICE: I’m out of here.
ME: See you tomorrow.
VOICE: You want me to tell them what voice you thought of after you changed my name to Edna?
ME: I’d prefer not.
HE-MAN: I HAVE THE POWER!!!
ME: I don’t think the Internet needed to know that.
Of Age (Sketch)
Feb 4th
CAST
TOM (Customer)
CARL (Assistant Manager)
CO-WORKER
Tom is scanning items at self-checkout in supermarket. He scans a six-pack of beer and a yellow light flashes. CARL, assistant manager at the supermarket, approaches.
CARL: Your I.D. please?
Tom is unaware Carl is there and continues scanning.
CARL: Sir, I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D.
CUT TO: Outside store. Tom is walking to his car.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D.
CUT TO: Outside Tom’s car.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. sir. I need to see your I.D.
Tom unlocks door. Tom and Carl get in.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. I—
CUT TO: Tom’s house. Tom and his family are eating dinner.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. sir. I need to see your I.D. I need..oh, thank you. [Daughter passes him mashed potatoes.] I need to see your I.D. I need–
CUT TO: Bedroom. Carl is in bed with Tom and his wife.
CARL: –to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D. Sir. I need to see your I.D.
CUT TO: Bathroom. Tom is showering. Carl, clothed, is in shower with him.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. sir. I need to see your I.D. I need to–
CUT TO: Conference room. Tom is giving a presentation.
TOM: Our sales were down 5% last quarter, but considering the industry as a whole is down 20%, things could be worse.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D. Sir, if I could see your I.D.
CO-WORKER: Carl, who is that guy?
Tom turns to Carl and is startled, as if seeing him for the first time.
CARL: Sir, I need to see your I.D.
TOM: Oh, O.K.
Tom take his I.D. out and shows it to Carl. Carl looks it over.
CARL: Thanks.
Carl stands uncomfortably in front of Tom’s co-workers and then slinks off screen. He pops back in to grab a doughnut, then leaves.
Choke (Sketch)
Feb 3rd
Choke
CAST
CITIZEN, MUGGER, PASSERBY1, PASSERBY2, PASSERBY3
Mugger is choking Citizen from behind. Passerby1 enters.
CITIZEN: Help!
PASSERBY1: Hey! Let him go!
Mugger ignores Passerby1. Passerby1 goes behind Mugger and starts to choke him. Passerby2 enters.
MUGGER: Help!
PASSERBY2: Get off him!
Passerby2 starts to choke Passerby1. Passerby3 enters.
PASSERBY1: Help!
PASSERBY3: This is a No Choking Zone!
Passerby3 starts to choke Passerby2, creating a chain of 5 people choking each other. After a few moments, Citizen dies, then Mugger, then Passerby1, then Passerby2. Passerby3 surveys the four dead corpses in front of him.
PASSERBY3: Oh, crap.
Lost: A Prelude
Feb 2nd
CAST
J.J.
ABE
DES (Rastafarian)
Scene: Living room. J.J. and ABE are sitting on bean bag chairs, sharing a huge joint.
J.J.: [takes long puff] You ever wonder if we’re real?
ABE: What do you mean?
J.J.: I don’t know. Maybe we’re just a brain in a jar. Or maybe we’re like characters in a play, and there are these gods controlling us.
ABE: If that’s true, we got some pretty lazy gods running our lives. Hey, quit bogarting the smoke monster. [J.J. passes joint.]
J.J.: Where is everybody? I thought Des and Amber were coming.
ABE: I don’t know, man. You want to hiking tomorrow? It’ll be nice. We can smoke some bud at the top.
J.J.: Can’t. Told my Mom I’d help paint her fence tomorrow.
ABE: Okay, Huckleberry Finn.
J.J.: What?
ABE: Huckleberry Finn. The kid that got in trouble and had to paint someone’s fence.
J.J.: That’s Tom Sawyer.
ABE: Whatever.
J.J.: You’re getting punched for not knowing your literature. [J.J. whacks ABE on thigh.]
ABE: [clutches his leg, laughing uncontrollably] You fucker. You gave me a Charlie horse.
J.J.: Pass the joint, you’re going to drop it.
ABE: I got it. [takes drag, then passes joint] Fuck, now I have to pee. Save some for me.
J.J.: I will if you don’t jack-off in there.
ABE: Fuck you.
J.J.: I know what you do in there. [ABE gets up] Hey, grab the cake in the fridge when you get back.
ABE: What? There’s a girl in your fridge?
J.J.: No. Cake. Man, you’re higher than I am.
ABE leaves. The door handle jostles, and someone knocks.
J.J.: Hold on, door’s locked. [gets up, opens door]. Des!
DES: Mon. How ya doing?
J.J.: Good, bro. [hugs Des] Join the party.
DES: [enters] Here you go. A geeft. [hands over small bag of weed]
J.J.: What is this?
DES: You say-eed you wanted to try something different. This is Jin-Su. From Asia. Very nice.
J.J.: Thanks, man. [peeks outside] Oh, shit, sun’s almost up.
ABE enters.
J.J.: Dude, what’s that smell?
ABE lifts up pants leg.
ABE: You gave me a bruise. I had to put some Ben-Gay on it.
J.J.: [laughs] Sorry. Come on. We got a lot of shit to get through.
The Negotiator (Sketch)
Feb 1st
I had to abandon the original skit I was going to post. It was a struggle to write, and that may be a warning sign that the idea behind it isn’t good or clear enough. Anyway, this one was easier to get out.
CAST
Terrorist
Action Hero
Terrorist’s Buddy
Split-screen. Terrorist and Hero are talking to each other over the phone.
TERRORIST: If you want the hostages alive, you’ll pay us our $100 million.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TERRORIST: When did this happen? You guys negotiate with terrorists all the time. Come on.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TERRORIST: Tell you what I’ll do. Half the hostages for 50 million upfront, and the other half on an installment plan. No contracts, no interest, cancel any time.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TERRORIST: I have a bit of wiggle room, but not much. How’s this? $85 million for all 94 hostages. That’s less than $1 million per hostage. Very competitive price.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TERRORIST: Okay. $80 million for all the hostages. Free 2nd-day air, or you can pick them up at your convenience.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TERRORIST: Buddy, our margins are already razor thin. This is the best I can do.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TERRORIST: Hold on.
Terrorist covers phone speaker.
TERRORIST’S BUDDY (whispers): What’s going on?
TERRORIST (whispers): He’s playing hardball. I’m going to let him sweat a bit, then give him some heat.
Terrorist waits a few moments.
TERRORIST: I was just talking to my manager, and I gotta be honest with you. He thinks I’ve gone too low already. He wants to back out.
Terrorist gives thumbs up to his buddy.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with– .
TERRORIST: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don’t negotiate with terrorists, you don’t negotiate with terrorists. But look. If you want to make this happen, we gotta get it done now. My buddies here, there all like, “When do we get to cut off an arm?” “When do we get to cut off a leg?” “I want to put a head on my wall.” Barbarians, you know?
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Terrorist makes jack-off signal to his buddy.
TERRORIST: Dude, I’m sorry. I got another calls to make, and I’m not sure when this is going to happen if it doesn’t happen now. Look. I like you a lot. I really do. Final offer, now or never. $60 million for all the hostages, free overnight delivery, you can pay in 6 monthly installments, and they get to keep all their body parts.
ACTION HERO: I don’t negotiate with–
TERRORIST: And I’ll throw in a commemorative video of their experience here. We were going to post it on You Tube, might as well give it to you.
ACTION HERO: [long beat] Okay.
TERRORIST: Okay? Great. We’ll start the paper work here on our end. You have our account info, I believe. Once we receive the first payment, we’ll send them on their way. We know you’re good for the rest, but even if you’re not, we know where they live, ha ha ha. Thanks, and good doing business with you, Buh bye.
Terrorist hangs up.
ACTION HERO: I love negotiating with terrorists.
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