Pancake City

The preacher–sorry, government–government says so.

The first step towards separation between church and state is separation between religious yahoos and state.

Peru is behind the times. A 15-year-old girl offered to sell her virginity and it spurned a national debate. It’s so 1998-Ebay.

The titillating headline, drawn from a minor detail buried several paragraphs later, did its job though and got me to read the article: Peruvian virgin turns down $1.5m.

Allegedly, in the process of soliciting bids, a man offered her $1.5 million. She said she decided to reject the bid and all others and not go ahead with the plan.

I say allegedly because of this hypothetical question, for both men and women:

• Would you, with the guarantee that there would be no pictures or recordings, have sex with a ho rse for $1.5 million?*

Seriously. I know it’s a horse, but you’d never have to work another day in your life. You might think it’s disgusting now, but wait until your alarm goes off Monday morning.

Okay, you wouldn’t, but we all have a friend that probably would, and he or she already has a car. And she turned down $1.5 mil. for a person?

But let’s say her story checks out. Do you know what this means? The first person to have sex with her is screwed. There’s no way he’s going to be able to give her a $1.5 million lay. He’s going to be traumatized. She’s going to have sex with him and ask for change.

Well, that ends Immature Tuesday. Methinks this won’t be a regular feature.

* Nothing engenders affection like implying your readers would have sex with a horse for money.

“Wait a minute. Was that her breast?”

It was. (news article, safe for work).

Update: Move over weapons of mass destruction related programs. Justin Timerblake explains the situation: “I am sorry that anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance of the Super Bowl.”

That halftime moment was so funny that I had a wardrobe malfunction in my pants. I have to say though, if Janet Jackson had any class, when Justin Timberlake ripped off her shirt she should have had a puppy pop out. Puppies are cute. Or, if not that, a titty with a laser beam for the nipple that fires the words “USA!” onto the crowd.

Isn’t it great that, even in this age of uninhibited sexual imagery in the media and more graphic depictions of sex than ever before, that an exposed breast can still be considered news? As publicity stunts go, this is as uncreative as it gets, but hey, it worked.

One blogger has a Cute Dead Guy of the Week section that shows portraits of men from the late 19th and early 20th centuries. One of the men looks surprisingly modern. Perhaps it is a coincidence that he was an anarchist. Perhaps not.

A “researcher” posted an ad in the Wanted section on craigslist requesting people send him stories on their addiction to Internet porn. “I’d like to hear the intimate details. What’s your M.O.? How does it make you feel. Does your spouse know about it?”

Methinks someone is addicted to Internet porn addiction stories. But maybe this is legitimate. So I sent this email. I’ll let you know if I get a response.

Dear Scientist,

I am into Internet porn. Big time. (If I knew how to make the font bigger, it would be BIG TIME. But in a bigger font.)

I have been keeping a diary of my travails in the “final frontier”…of PORN! I would like to type the pages and send them to you. Should I take the dirty parts out? Highlight them? I want to help. Also, I don’t cyber, but I was wondering, do you cyber? Also, I’m not a woman, but I was wondering, are you a woman?

Your research sounds interesting. Which research organization are you part of? I must say, if you are part of The Heritage Foundation, I am not sending you anything. Those guys are dicks. (They told me to stop calling.)

Looking forward to hearing from you. May the Starship Enterprise take you to where no one has gone before!

“Frank”

…when a stripper sues a tabloid for saying she had sex with you.

I flipped the light on in the kitchen for a late-night snack. Two moths were having sex on a plate in the dish rack. I felt embarrassed, then angry when they kept on going. Doesn’t anyone in the insect family have any shame any more? I mean, if you were having sex on a plate, wouldn’t you stop if a giant moth walked in? I don’t know what genus these moths were, but let me just say I haven’t heard very good things about the Ctenucha genus.