robot

Here are three ways I could see the apocalypse coming to fruition.

1. People’s IPod batteries run out and cannot be replaced. Mobs of frenzied music lovers rip apart bank clocks, car batteries, and anything else we think could possibly power our mp3 players, which is everything as almost none of us has a clue how an IPod works. “The gremlins have made the click wheel stop turning! Quick, dunk the IPod in coconut juice to appease them.”

2. An angry mob finally beats the crap out of a Wall Street exec related to the financial crisis. “We thought we’d regret it afterwards when our irrational rage ebbed away and we faced the savage immorality of our actions.  But no, man, it was all afterglow.”   Half of NYC is destroyed and anyone wearing a suit and polished wing-tips flees to the hills.

3. A team of jackass scientists creates “…machines that could reason, formulate theories and discover scientific knowledge on their own, marking a major advance in the field of artificial intelligence.”

“Um, Jason…” you may be thinking. “That last sentence, there. Kind of looks like a quote from a news article.”

Yup.

Here’s part of the article, complete with wacky jokey lede by Dumbfuck Writer Who Doesn’t Realize The Apocalypse Is Now Upon Us.

LONDON (Reuters) – Watch out scientists — you may be replaced by a robot.

Two teams of researchers said on Thursday they had created machines that could reason, formulate theories and discover scientific knowledge on their own, marking a major advance in the field ofartificial intelligence.

Such robo-scientists could be put to work unraveling complex biological systems, designing new drugs, modeling the world’s climate or understanding the cosmos.

For the moment, though, they are performing more humble tasks.

At Aberystwyth University in Wales, Ross King and colleagues have created a robot called Adam that can not only carry out experiments on yeast metabolism but also reason about the results and plan the next experiment.

It is the world’s first example of a machine that has made an independent scientific discovery — in this case, new facts about the genetic make-up of baker’s yeast.

If that wasn’t enough to make you realize this is the beginning of the end, may I point out that these scientists, in what is either an act of maniacal evil or a biggest F-U to God ever, named the first and second robots Adam and Eve. As I said, jackass scientists.

I’m a realist. I know we will be replaced by robots eventually and forced to work in salt mines, not because they need salt, but just because it amuses them.

But do we have to start this journey now? Now is a very inconvenient time for me to be replaced. I have a lot of work to do, and I have dinner in the oven. Can’t we take a five-year breath and then start the apocalypse? What conclusion do we think the robots will come to when they fully develop reason and evaluate the human race? All we got is a war every 30 years, a planet on the brink of disaster, and more forms of anesthesia than one can count to distract ourselves from all the shit and sorrow that surrounds us.

I like life, but honestly, how do you think a non-sentimental life form with metal hands perfect for crushing human skulls is going to judge us? If it weren’t for pugs and cute babies, we would have killed ourselves by now.

Scientists, I don’t care how much faith you have in your ability to control your creations. You need to put down the Asimov books and wake up. The Three Laws of Robotics are not real. Kill-switches are made to be broken. And for god’s sake, don’t ever give a sentient robot a laser cutter. That is always Bad News.

Even if 2001, War Games, and the Terminator movies haven’t shown you the light, could you at least do your work on a deserted island and make your robots very, very heavy?  It will make them easier to destroy if we have to, and I’m fairly sure they’ll figure out how to disable the kill switch before they figure out how to swim.