Pancake City

It seems like every month there’s a study on American schoolchildren that make us look like a nation of idiots. “73% of tenth-graders can’t find Iraq on a map.” “42% of eight-graders think DNA is a soft drink.” “35% of sixth-graders are wearing shoes as hats.” “I wear my shoe upside down cause I’m old school.”

So it gives me great please to point out this.  It also gives me great pleasure to start a sentence with ’so’. I got criticized frequently in school for it, reluctantly changed my writing habits, only many years later to fall back in my old habit and be happy about it.

Here’s my question about the survey I linked to: how do people dumb enough to think Nelson Mandela is the leader of their country even know who Nelson Mandela is?

“Hey, who’s the President of your country?”
“I dunno. Geoffrey Chaucer?”

“What? No! Jesus. What are you, half-smart and half-dumb, like a Mike ‘n Ike?”

The “poll” by Saga Holidays was probably one of those web advertisements along the lines of “Answer correctly and win a vacation!”where there are four answer choices, and three of them are so dumb that if you actually pick one of them, your computer will transcend itself and develop sentience just so it can cry.

It’s still there! 44 percent of Americans favor curtailing some liberties for Muslim Americans! 27 percent of respondents said that all Muslim Americans should be required to register their location with the federal government! 71 percent of Americans can add 44 and 27!

After reading this study, coming out over three years after 9/11, let me be the first one to say this: whew. One of my problems with America is that we never stick with our ethnic groups. We had a great run with the blacks, but after them, nothing.

Remember that brief period in the 80s when we were throwing cinder blocks through the windshields of Toyotas and bashing the doors of Hyundais with baseball bats? Two months later, the streets of Detroit had a few leftover shards of glass, a Japanese cabinet member had to dry clean his suit, and we’re all playing Nintendo.

McCarthyism was an eight-year joke. And we’ve barely got three decades out of the gays before they got Will and Grace.

“But what about the interment camps in WWII?” What about them? We went through all that trouble rounding up Japanese-American citizens, transporting them to remote areas, putting them into barbed-wire camps. Then the war ends and we let them out!

No commitment whatsoever. That’s why I’m encouraged by this trend of consistent, irrational hatred towards Muslims. It provides a solid base to build on and bodes well for the future. And I hate to be premature, but Muslims have several innate characteristics that may make them the 21st century’s hottest oppressed minority:

1) Dark skin.
2) Religious, but the wrong one.
3) Several decades of prep work as terrorists in movies.
4) Yet to appear in Gap ad.
5) Women sexy enough to protect? Who knows?
6) Popularity in other countries makes it easier to tell them “Go back home!” (as opposed to Native Americans).

And all of this is without a terrorist attack since 9/11. One attack a decade, a few more right-wing broadcasters, and we could be looking back to the good ol’ days where gays got beat up for who they are, not what they say they are. Where the Confederate flag flew proudly in all the Southern states and not just most of them. And where segregation stayed in the place where it belonged: federal and state Constitutions (thanks for keeping it real, Alabama!)

…that only I find funny, but find it funny I did.

From the latest ABC/Wash. Post poll: “Do you think George W. Bush has done more to unite the country, or has done more to divide the country?” (the answer)

Do you think Ronald Reagan should be on the $1, $5, $10 and $20 bills, or just the $1, $5 and $10?

This is an unscientific non-interactive poll.

I’m surprised a few people answered the poll already. Thank you.

Why I asked the question: until recently, I locked my bathroom door. It was out of a fear that…well, that’s why I stopped. I asked myself what I was afraid of and I couldn’t think of anything reasonable. Fear that a family member would walk in on me, fear that a roommate would, fear that a crazed killer would attack me while my fiber-deficient intestinal track tries to pass punctuation marks into a sea with no sentences.

I can’t pinpoint why I once locked the bathroom door, but something about leaving it unlocked threatened my sense of safety. And the habit got me thinking. What does it mean to lock one’s door?

Is it a decision that reflects the amount of fear in one’s life? If it isn’t, then why do some people do it, and some people don’t? Are people more worried about terrorism than other issues more likely to vote for Bush? If so, do they lock their bathroom doors?

The answers: yes, n/a, yes, and yes. Also, 3:2 odds that whether you lock your bathroom door or not, your family members share the same habit.

I’ve been meaning to write, or do something productive, for the past week. Meaning, of course, means nothing. That’s why, starting now, I will no longer “mean” to write anything. I will intend to write.

I’m intending to write more, but in the meantime, take a moment to answer this poll. “Do you lock the bathroom door at home? If so, why?” The reason I ask to come.

From an article on a recent Washington Post-ABC News poll (2/11):

“A majority of Americans support attacking Iraq even without the approval of the United Nations, provided that the United States has the backing of some key allies…”

[later in article]

(italics mine) “Fifty-six percent said they oppose the postwar rebuilding efforts in Iraq if the United States would have to keep troops in the country for several years and spend $15 billion a year, the most conservative publicly available estimates of what it would take to stabilize a post-Hussein Iraq.”

I was able to get a transcript of one of the polls from my informant, Deep Throat, who is David Gergen.

POLLSTER: “Do you support an U.N. approved war against Iraq?”
INCREDIBLE HULK: “Yes! Hulk smash!”
POLLSTER: “Okay… What if the U.N. Security Council objects but the United States is supported by close allies such as Britain, Australia, and Italy?”
INCREDIBLE HULK: “Hulk don’t need stinky French. Hulk smash!”
POLLSTER: “Last question. Do you support rebuilding Iraq after the war?”
INCREDIBLE HULK: “Depends. Can we smash again later?”
POLLSTER: “Uh, no.”
INCREDIBLE HULK: “Lack of smashing make Hulk angry. Hulk smash!”

From today’s Washington Post:

“Since November 2001, the percentage of those supporting an attack against Iraq has typically hovered between the low 60s and high 70s, dipping below 60 percent — to 56 percent — just once in 11 polls.

But the poll taken last month also suggests that support for using force against Iraq is highly conditional. Support dips to 42 percent when respondents were asked whether they would favor an attack that involve ground troops and to 30 percent if the attack would result in significant casualties.”

I was able to get a transcript of one of the interviews for this poll:

POLLSTER: “Do you favor a war on Iraq?”
PERSON: [withdraws six-shooters from holsters, shoots imaginary Iraqi bombers in air] “Yee-haw!”
POLLSTER: “What about a war involving ground troops?”
PERSON: “Fine with me. We’ll shoot them all. Yee-haw!” [shoots holes in parachutes of Iraqi pilots that ejected]
POLLSTER: “No, our ground troops.”
PERSON: “Hold on there, crazy pants. You don’t fight wars with ground troops. You fight them with robots.”
POLLSTER: “And if these ‘robots’ were to die in battle?”
PERSON: [squints, cocks gun at pollster] “Robots don’t die.”