political humor

The health care bill finally passed in the House last night, and is on its way to becoming law. Republicans are promising to make it a campaign issue for 2010. I’m no political strategist, but I’m not sure redirecting people’s attention from an economy that everyone thinks is crappy to a health care bill that only some people think is crappy is the way to go.

During the debate in the House last night, someone yelled “baby killer” at pro-life Democrat Bart Stupak. The next day, Rep. Neugebauer (R-TX) admitted he was the one who yelled the epithet, but said he was yelling it at the compromise Stupak supported, not Stupak himself.

Rep. Neugebauer is a douchebag.

Woah, hold on a second! I don’t mean Rep. Neugebauer, the representative from Texas, is a douchebag. I was referring to Brandon Neuge, this jackass who used to bully me in high school, and Jack Bauer, whose bend-the-rules style I once respected but whose actions has degenerated into a mish-mash of angry outbursts and crude rationalizations for torturing and killing people.

I thought it would save time to combine their names into Neugebauer, but I see now how that may confuse some people. I apologize and regret my actions.

Rep. Neugebauer rapes babies before he kills them.

Woah, hold on a second! I don’t mean Rep. Neugebauer literally rapes babies and kills them. That’s disgusting. By “rapes”, I was just using the English spelling for raps. Those English, always adding e’s to the end of our words!

“Babies,” of course, is just street lingo for “fresh rhymes”. And by “kills them”, I just meant that Rep. Neugebauer was going to kill those fresh rhymes with his mad beats. I see now how that could be a little confusing. I sure hope no one searches for “Rep. Neugebauer baby killer” and finds this page! I apologize and regret my actions.

Rep. Neugebauer is an asshole.

Woah, hold on a second! I got a splinter in my hand, and it hurts to type. Just one moment…ahh. There we go.

Rep. Neugebauer is an asshole.

When the Iranian protests started, some conservative columnists criticized President Obama for not denouncing the Iranian government and declaring the election a sham.

They were right. Nothing is more important in Iran than the words of an American president. Obama could have toppled the Iranian regime like a house of kabob sticks if he had spoken out.

How? The following may surprise non-American readers, but this is what happens whenever a U.S. President speaks out against evil.

1. The President says something.

Courtesy of Getty Images

2. His words are transferred to The U.S. Photoshop factory, where they are embossed and made shiny.

Courtesy of "How Stuff Works"

3. The words are strapped to the back of a flying unicorn, who soars overseas to deliver the words to the foreign leader in question.

Courtesy of All That Is Good In The World

4. After arriving, the flying unicorn hurls the words from the heavens like a javelin, killing the tyrant and making everyone yell “Yay!” and “We’re Happy!” And possibly other happy words, especially if the unicorn takes a poop, because unicorns poop Skittles.

So when criticizing President Obama for his handling of the Iranian election protests, make sure to ask him this:

PRESIDENT OBAMA, WHERE ARE THE FLYING UNICORNS?!!! I AM USING THREE EXCLAMATION POINTS BECAUSE I AM TRIPLE ANGRY. PEOPLE SAID IF YOU WERE ELECTED, YOU WOULD FLY IN ON A UNICORN AND FIX EVERYTHING. SO DO IT. LEAVE THE UNICORN HORN POLISH AT HOME—JUST GO!!!!!

Sincerely,

Charles Krauthammer

Days before being nominated for Treasury secretary, Timothy Geithner figured it was time to pay $34,000 in back taxes for 2001 to 2004. Now we find out that nominee for Health and Human Services secretary Tom Daschle failed to pay $140,000 in back taxes and interest, a mistake he corrected…days before his first confirmation hearing.

I think I have a solution to the financial crisis. Nominate tax delinquents to cabinet positions.

Here’s how it works. There are 15 cabinet positions. For each position, the administration nominates 10 tax cheats and tells them in private to pay all their back taxes because he or she is the “front runner.”

After they pay their back taxes, someone leaks to the press about their tax troubles and slips Rush Limbaugh a deuce of Oxycotin. Boom–media firestorm. The administration holds a press conference: “We regret to have to withdraw the nomination of all people nominated for all positions.” Then we start over…with more tax cheats! Instant billions.

Eventually, people will figure out that nomination=tax cheat and the administration won’t even need to formally nominate someone. They can just threaten to make them Secretary of State if they don’t pony up the dough.

Unfortunately, in Obama’s quest to staff his cabinet and other high-level positions faster than any administration in history, he really screwed us over. The only cabinet position open and without a nominee is Secreatary of Commerce, and a Republican senator is rumored to be the pick.

At this critical juncture of America’s history, we cannot have an unqualified Republican Senator on Obama’s cabinet. We need an unqualified Republican billionaire. Two or three if possible. You know these guys have half-a-dozen tax shelters and as many mistresses willing to rat on them for as little as a Deputy Undersecretary position.

Take this NY Times article on the 400 richest Americans:

The top 400 paid just more than $18 billion in federal income taxes in 2006, or an average of $45 million, on a record $105 billion in total income — the lowest effective tax rate in the 15 years since the agency began releasing such data. (link)

Sounds like we have some good candidates for Commerce Secretary.