We live in an age of forgetting.
news headlines
Headlines
Feb 2nd
The Wash. Post. web site edition:
Budget calls for new spending
Plan for allotting money calls for allotting money? We live in a craaaazy world.
‘Don’t ask’ policy to change
New ‘You both can drop hints’ policy not much progress.
Study: Abstinence sex-ed works
“But we really need to have sex now,” say researchers of 5-year study. (link–it’s an interesting article)
Wizards falter late, lose to Celtics
Huge improvement over usual falter at beginning.
Obama answers questions submitted on YouTube
Thank God “MrBurrito999″ finally has a voice.
News Headlines
Dec 7th
As a writing exercise, I wrote some fake news headlines.
Supreme Court Rules That It Rules
(Note: Found out The Onion already beat me to it.)
(for Halloween) Pinata Costume Goes Horribly Awry
PayPal Can’t Help You Move This Weekend
World’s Smartest Dog Doesn’t Lick Puke Back Up
Fat Cat Only Rich in Fat
Zombie PETA Launches “GRAAINS” Campaign
Sensationalist Headline Has Little To Do With Article
Headlines
Feb 18th
GOP Governors Consider Turning Down Stimulus Money
Yeah, you know what I’m considering? Sucking the dick of a unicorn to get a free ride to the Moondrop Forest, right next to La La Land. Not going to happen though. (link)
NASA to Probe Jupiter’s Europa
[snicker]
*****
Police Release 911 Call From Chimp Attack
Man, I don’t know where to start. When I first saw this headline with a video icon next to it, I said “HELL YEAH!” Then, before clicking the link, I thought about what probably happened and felt guilty. It was likely a horrible, vicious attack. I envisioned the 911 caller shrieking and being terrified. Do I even want to listen to it?
I end up clicking the link and the caller *is* shrieking and terrified. Her friend is being attacked and from the caller’s description, sounds close to losing her life.
A few problems though. One, the monkey is wearing a diaper. Already we have a cataclysmic battle between comedy and tragedy. Two, they don’t have any footage of the attack. They just have a few seconds of the monkey in a diaper being hustled into a cop car by the police.
Three, because they only have a few seconds of footage, they have to fill the video with other footage..like a file photo of the monkey mugging for the camera. Big grin on his face. Very relaxed. A little happy. And they are showing this photo while the woman is near tears, yelling at the 911 operator to send someone immediately.
Four, and this is neither funny nor tragic, the 911 operator is kind of a dick. I know he is trying to stay calm and business-like because it’s how they’re trained to handle these situations, but it starts rubbing me the wrong way near the end of the call. At one point, I’m not even sure he quite understands what is going on, like a monkey attack is too weird even for him to believe.
The whole video ends being this weird mashup of tragedy, fear, silliness, and inanity. If you are interested in watching it, though, here it is.
Headlines
Oct 14th
Woman changes name to a URL to protest animal dissections
Alternate headline: Woman changes name to URL to protest people being able to change their names.
Palin mistakes fans for protesters at Virginia rally
Watch it, Palin! Crazy is McCain’s turf.
U.S., Iraq Seek Plan B on Troops
When did the Bush administration start doing Plan Bs? (Hey, gotta get those Bush jokes in while I still can).
What Makes Me Laugh
Jul 8th
Headlines!
Jun 27th
One-third of Americans want more math taught in school: poll
I don’t care what 40% of Americans say: we have enough math as it is.
Stimulus checks boost gains in after-tax incomes and spending
In other news, sun burns brightly, is hot.
Mars Soil ‘Friendly’ to Life, Tests Show
If Mars is friendly to life, it better hope it’s not friendly to oil too. “This just in: Exxon-Mobil has developed a faster-than-light spaceship in under six months. Industry analysts say it may be too little too late as BP finished its intergalactic Space Straw over a month ago.”
“Hey, Martians. It’s pretty cold here. Have some welcoming blankets. On us.”
SPACE INDIAN: “Don’t do it!”
News Headlines
Feb 27th
NASA takes aim at moon with double sledgehammer
Is it just me, or has NASA completely forgotten its original mission?
Mint Rejects D.C. Protest Slogan
Quarter will not bear the words “Taxation Without Representation Is Bullshit”.
Panel Recommends Flu Shot for All Kids
Panel’s sponsors: the Let’s Make Kids Cry society
When Borrowers Fight Back
“Hey, can I borrow a club? I need to go beat someone up.”
Shark Attacks on the Rise Around the World
I don’t want to be a Summer of the Shark snob or anything, but methinks it’s still a tad early for beach-related scare stories. I tell you what I could go for: intercontinental super-flu.
Poll: Is a Particularly Nasty Cold Going Around?
Ehhh. Close enough.
Onionish Headline…
Feb 21st
“Racist Sexist Doesn’t Know Who To Hate in Election”
(Yeah, would have been funnier a month ago. I’m slow.)
Headlines
Nov 3rd
In Va., Parties Focus on Turnout
Wha…? Political parties try to get people to polls? Virgina winner decided by votes? Ye gods, what happened to tradition of yore: selecting a townsmith based on the plumpness of his grandest goose?
Lawmakers Might Use Clout to Get Hospital Funding
Plan B: Use clot.
Artificial Joint Makers Lobby Hospitals Vigorously
Joint makers shake fists in jarring, stilted fashion.
Writers Str…see ya!
(Original headline: Writer Strike Set for Monday)
Sugar Industry Expands Influence
Sugar to appear in NutraSweet, diabetic ice-cream, salt. You can’t stop the sugar. No one can stop the sugar. Except…
“VO: Coming this summer. A sugar industry infiltrated by terrorists. A people addicted and under siege. All hope is lost. Except for one man.”
(Visual: A wood door explodes, creating a cloud of dust and debris. Through the cloud steps Christopher Walken, holding a machine gun and weighed down by several ammo belts.)
WALKEN: “I gotta say, the door. I was expecting more of a BOOM than a KA-POW.”
VO: “Christopher Walken is…Sweet Justice.”
Too Lazy To Do Much Else (Headlines)
Aug 6th
Armed men steal four priceless paintings from French museum
They are going to be pissed when they try to sell them. “Are you kidding me? No price?”
Author Says It’s Easy, Healthy Building Green
Author: Kermit the Frog.
Oldest Profession Flourishes in China
Someone in the News Control department is getting fired.
Headlines
Jun 9th
Man accused in Letterman kidnap plot escapes from prison
Top Ten reasons to improve prison security…
Dinosaurs Died Agonizing Deaths
Yay! The front page of Yahoo has all the kid-friendly articles.
Shuttle Atlantis Chasing Space Station
Hey, have you seen my space wallet? I could of sworn I tethered it to the table. I don’t know, nothing. I checked the instruments, Space Station came over to visit, and ….SPACE STATION! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!
The Battle of the Grills
This is false advertising by The Washington Post. I had every reason to think this article was about rappers.
WP Headlines
May 15th
Alleged Cyber-Stalker Served With E-Lawsuit
Faces up to 1001 years in E-Jail
Leagues Unite to Battle Drugs
Justice League, Fantastic Four promise to render upon drugs holy mutant justice
No Neutral Ground in War Over Lyme Disease
We can’t even talk about tics without phrasing it as a war? It’s a disease, not a car bomb. “You’re either with us or against us.” Who’s the opposition, Scientologists?
- SCIENTOLOGIST1: “Hey, guys. Want to be against Lyme Disease?”
- SCIENTOLOGIST2: “Why the heck not? Send a memo to Tom, tell him they’re from the planet Lymos, and add it to the pile.”
Gilmore’ Fans Unhappy With Abrupt Ending?
Lovely. Two things I don’t give a shit about in one headline.
Deputy Attorney General Announces Resignation
That’s senior official #4. Is anyone left? I envision Gonzalez sitting alone at his desk in a dusty, sunlight room. A squeak echoes through the halls. “Someone there? I’m free if you want to talk. I bought some jelly beans. They’re on my desk. Come on in. Hello?”
Science Headlines
Sep 14th
Astronomers Find Distant, Fluffy Planet
Astronomers are just making stuff up now. “Yeah, there’s like this planet that’s made of cotton candy, but it’s really far away, so only we can see it. And the planet likes astronomers a lot and says we’re the coolest and he’s our best friend so you should stop making fun of us.
Pluto is Now Just a Number: 134340
Why don’t we just put Pluto in an internment camp while we’re at it, you heartless bastards?
Sad vs. Absurd
Aug 11th
Kitten who helped nab phony vet is killed by car
Well, at least the vet didn’t kill her.
Recent Comments