We live in an age of forgetting.
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It’s a News Smackdown
Jul 30th
Sometimes, news headlines are emotionally charged to the point of being aggressive. Maybe editors think anger is what the public wants nowadays. Or maybe after the Wall Street bailouts, the BP oil spill, and a long, painful recession, headlines are just reflecting a common desire to give someone, anyone, their comeuppance.
Regardless, it gets over the top sometimes. All of these headlines are from The Washington Post’s web site today.
Haynesworth learns who is boss
It’s hard to insert a smackdown into a headline, but this editor pulled it off. To be fair, it’s an opinion column about a prima donna Redskins player, but still, Haynesworth is a 350 lb. Man. He’s such a man that my word processor automatically capitalized “man” when I wrote it. You shouldn’t gloat at someone with an arm the size of your torso unless you want the next headline to be “Sports columnist learns who is boss after Haynesworth sits on him”.
Iran starts feeling heat
Ooh…sounds like Iran is about to get some comeuppance! It also sounds like wishful thinking—Iran has been hit with sanctions, embargoes, and toothless U.N. resolutions ever since the Western-backed Shaw was overthrown in [1978]. Maybe the editor was lazy and was just recycling a headline from 1986.
Then there’s the “Weather Gang” section of the Post.
PM Update: Some payback for all the heat
Seriously? Have we declared a War on Weather now?
WEATHER FORECASTER (draws gun): “I’ve had it up to here with you, heat! [BLAM BLAM BLAM] Oh yeah! Who’s sweating now, [description of heat]?”
Even the chat promos are getting into the game.
Carolyn Hax Live: Advice columnist tackles your problems
Go Carolyn! Grab our problems by the ankle, drive them to the ground, and then punch them in the face until they promise never to bother us again.
Where are our problems going that they need to be tackled? Are they running towards the endzone to spike another painful thought into our egos? I don’t need my problems to be tackled. I’d be perfectly content leading them to a plate of cookies under a box propped up with a stick. Trapping my problems and never having to look at them seems like a perfectly acceptable solution.
My main concern is that if emotion met rationality in a cage match, emotion would whack rationality with a folding chair every time. It’s inherently stronger than rational thought, which evolved much later than our emotional centers.
That’s why it’s easier to manipulate people when they are emotional. (see: Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann) and why news organizations should be careful when they use emotionally-laden words. They make articles more interesting and can help us care about things we might not care about otherwise. But they can also obscure truth and prompt us to form opinions based on emotion rather than the more laborious path of reason and logic.
Guess Where the Bomb Was Hidden?
Oct 7th
Talk about burying the lede. If I were the editor for this article, the headline definitely wouldn’t be “In Failed Strike on Saudi Prince, A New Fear of Al-Qaeda’s Tactics“. It would be “Ass Bomber Attacks Saudi Royalty” or, better yet, “Saudi Prince Hit By Ass-assination Attempt“.
You know how after the Shoebomber, anyone traveling in and out of America now has to take their shoes off? I think now is a good time to get our shit together and not over-react to this new terrorism tactic.
What was the al-Qaeda planning meeting like for this operation?
AL-QAEDA LEADER: “I got some good news, and I got some bad news. The good news is that we have a plan to assassinate Prince Mohammed bin Nayef, and we developed a new tactic that will make our bomb almost impossible to detect.”
[raucous cheering]
AL-QAEDA SOLDIER: “That is wonderful! What could possibly be the bad news?”
AL-QAEDA LEADER: “Before that, let’s talk about how many virgins you’re going to get for this one. Cause it’s a lot.”
Yoono, What’s Up With You?
Feb 14th
Yoono, a bookmarking program that powers my mini-blog on the right, isn’t working at the moment. Mini-blog post, you are hereby promoted to main blog post! Huzzah! Here it is:
Candidates’ Earmarks Worth Millions – washingtonpost.com
The impression one gets from the lead may be misleading — I would think a more accurate way of measuring Senatorial earmark spending is to focus on money per constituent, not total spending — but there are lots of illustrative tidbits on the three major candidates in this article.
Sen. McCain’s anti-earmark stance is symbolically powerful. Earmarks are the type of thing that is easy for people to rail against. They symbolize waste, even though they are a small fraction of total government spending and probably serve a good purpose in some cases (although that’s more on a guess than knowledge). Then again, they seem like an under-the-table way to reward donors and political friends.
I hope that if any changes are made to how earmarks are handled, that the people supporting these changes think hard about the potential unintended consequences of those reform. Well-intentioned changes can end up making situations worse.
When You’re There, You’re There
Oct 26th
Missing Missouri Convicts Found in Prison
After beating a fellow inmate to death, two already convicted murderers in a Missouri prison hid for several days in a false wall near a worksite.
What were they afraid of? That they’d go to prison? That they’re parole would be moved from never to really never? Comedians, if you’re doing a set tonight, jump on the lamwagon. Shecky is in the house, and this time he doesn’t need a writer.
Death and Life
Oct 22nd
Elliott Smith leaves on a down note.
The man who jumped into Niagra Falls, and survived, says he was pushed to do so because of depression. “I honestly thought that it wasn’t worth going on. But I can tell you now after hitting the falls I feel that life is worth living,” he said.
Quote Roundup
Oct 17th
“I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God, and his was an idol.”
“Roses are red, poems are corny, take me to bed, I’m feeling horny.”
“So I knock on the door and I say, ‘Hi, I’m Courtney Love. I’m leaving the loony bin.’ “
“This is the first time we’ve found anything like this inside a junkyard. Most places will say it’s a massage parlor or adult entertainment.”
Most links from FARK. Not responsible for time wasted reading articles.
Those Crazy Yahoo Headlines!
Oct 9th
If you saw a headline that said “Pope Leads Havel in Nobel Peace Prize Betting,” what would you think? Perhaps it what was I thought: Pope John Paul playing craps with former Czech President Vaclav Havel, with a side bet on who’s going to dunk the Nobel.
Update: In your face, Pope!
Guess Who’s Back?
Sep 9th
Move Over Ken. Hulk Is Here.
Jul 8th
This story on the “enhanced” Hulk doll is spreading across the Internet as fast as you can say “giant Cheeto”. It’s obvious that the toy manufacturer, Play By Play, didn’t include a third arm on the actual doll. I’d like to find out if the doll is a hoax by The Sun, a knock-off by an adult toy company, or–how’s this for cynicism–planted by Play by Play to drum up interest and orders for the doll.
The Washington Post Meets Mad Magazine
May 27th
My copy of today’s Post had a crease in it. Under the shaky auspices of serendipity and other big words I’m using to mask my childish glee, I thought I’d share this section that caught my eye.
[tee hee hee hee] Ahem. Sometimes I wonder why I bother to pretend being an adult.
Tractor Guy
Mar 18th
A North Carolina tobacco farmer is in a stand-off with police after driving his tractor into a pond on the Mall. Maybe he’s just a really bad driver and thought, “Well, now that I’m here…”
Two great gems have come from the story so far:
1. Name of the U.S. Park Police spokesman: Scott Fear.
2. A comment from Watson’s neighbor: “She believes Watson is ‘trying to make a point’ about the government’s tobacco policy. She says she believes Watson isn’t a crazy person, adding that he’s ‘just been pushed to the edge.’ “
If this doesn’t count as crazy in North Carolina, then what does? Driving into a pond and smoking menthols? And this isn’t spur of the moment craziness. This guy was going 55 tops driving up here in a rundown jeep with a tractor attached. He has been crazy at Denny’s, crazy at the Motel 6, crazy buying Breakfast Bites at 7-11… He should have abducted a couple teenagers along the way and combined two stories into one.
Eventually, the police are going to get tired of the standoff, toss him a turban, and shoot him.
“Hey, Akmed. Catch.”
“Akmed? Why are you calling me–uh oh.”
Get out of our school, Grease Monkey!
Feb 26th
“The dean of students at Paul VI Catholic High School in Fairfax County resigned this week after his name and photo were discovered on sexually suggestive Web sites devoted to leather, motorcycles and heterosexuality.” (Washington Post article)
Oops. I mean homosexuality. Although I’m sure that doesn’t make a difference. This article also contains the Quote of the Week:
School officials said the Web sites were discovered by a Paul VI alumnus who was doing research for a college assignment on vegetarians.
“In the course of his research, a Web site came up of people who promote wearing leather,” Shovlain said. “One of the people depicted was Mr. Santora.”
Last week, at the dorm room of the Paul VI alumnus…
‘Vegetarians vegetables’…55,100 hits! Damn it. ‘Vegetarians hate meat’…7,770! I have to turn this in an hour. What else do vegetarians hate? Think Paul LVII, think. That’s it! Leather! Vegetarians hate leather. But just to be safe: ‘Vegetarians leather cock sucking’
"Scalpel! Oops. Um…second scalpel!"
Jan 16th
A Yahoo story states that surgery tools are left in 1,500 people a year.
A quote: “In two cases, 11-inch retractors–metal strips used to hold back tissue–were forgotten inside patients. In another operation, four sponges were left inside someone.”
Let’s not mince words. Four sponges weren’t left inside someone. Four sponges were stuffed inside someone. Getting four pieces of dead sea animal to gracefully arrange themselves in a chest cavity is like trying to squeeze four balls in a nutsack. It can be done, but you’re going to have to do a lot of stretching and jiggling. Furthermore, any surgeon forgetful enough to lose four sponges would have lost his car keys, his backup keys, his pants, and his ability to dial a phone and get help. He would have never made it to work.
I’m not saying the surgeon was malicious. My theory is that the surgeon operated on a plump patient the day before Thanksgiving and got ahead of himself. It’s easy to see how he could get confused. The patient is on her back, she has the equivalent of a gravy bag hooked in her arm, and strange people you don’t spend a lot of time with are clamoring for you to finish. We should be grateful that blood doesn’t smell like cranberry sauce and her wishbone is still intact.
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