We live in an age of forgetting.
monkey
Woo Hoo
Jul 5th
Robot monkey justice has been achieved.
My roommate Meghan added silhouettes of a monkey and robot facing off on a hillside in the background. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, this is the original post. Photos:
You can see the mural on the intersection of Half Street and M Street in SE. Walk down Half Street (towards the Nationals stadium) and it will be on the right. It will be painted over a week from now, so head over soon if you want to see a cool mural with a dab of robot monkey flavor.
Robot Monkey Update
Jul 4th
My roommate and her friend is about 85% done with the mural. Beautiful? Yes. Some may even call it stunning.
One small problem though. It is missing a certain flavor. A certain statement on the conflict between beauty and violence. The never-ending battle between serenity and chaos.
It is missing some mutha-fucking robots and some mutha-fucking monkeys.
They are finishing the mural today, the 4th of July, the figurative birth of America and the freedoms it offer. May this day also mark the birth of something I hold as dear to my heart: a monkey and robot beating the crap out of each other in my roommate’s mural.
A Travesty Unfolding
Jul 1st
My roommate and “friend” Meghan is painting a mural over the 4th of July weekend. She mentioned she was thinking of ideas for the mural, and I kindly suggested a well-thought out, multi-layered concept involving monkeys, robots, and lasers.
I also created a narrative framework for the idea, richly describing the outdated robots and sentient monkeys who banded together to fight the ruthless cyber-monkeys, who are like the Borg, except with more lasers and more monkey.
I also said she could add a kitten kissing a Puggle, because she likes that girly type of shit.
Her response? Non-existent! She didn’t even acknowledge my Shakespearean epic, which I wrote gratis for her, another kindness because she absentmindedly forgot to ask me for my ideas (problem corrected).
As a compromise, I asked her to add just one monkey OR robot in her mural. It can be the new “Where’s Waldo?” “Where’s Robot-Monkey?” She could earn millions. No response.
It’s really hard to watch a friend make a bad decision and be powerless to stop it. Monkeys, robots, and lasers are the trifecta of Cool Stuff to Put in a Mural, but it appears some of us are still stuck in Plato’s cave.
But good luck with your mural, Meghan! Whatever it may be.
I Can Never Pass Up a Good Monkey Headline
May 14th
* “Monkeys Ponder What Could Have Been” (link) . This is in my top 5 monkey headlines. I haven’t read the article. I’m afraid it will ruin my image of a forlorn monkey looking at a banana peel with a truck tire mark over it.
* Twitter can make anything trivial.
* I don’t know what to say.
* My spell checker’s “No Misspellings Found” message has a yield sign with an exclamation point in it. Like something is seriously wrong that I didn’t misspell anything. Which is probably true. that’s the first time I’ve seen that warning in months.
Monkey Monday
Mar 9th
There’s this chimp in a zoo, Santino, that gets annoyed at the visitors around his pen. Hours before they come, he’ll amass piles of stones around his home so he’ll have something handy to throw at them when they finally arrive.
According to the article, this type of planning for the future isn’t unusual for chimpanzees. Also, the article, after describing the amazing capabilities of Santino and other chimps, ends in a way that I found very funny.
Headlines
Feb 18th
GOP Governors Consider Turning Down Stimulus Money
Yeah, you know what I’m considering? Sucking the dick of a unicorn to get a free ride to the Moondrop Forest, right next to La La Land. Not going to happen though. (link)
NASA to Probe Jupiter’s Europa
[snicker]
*****
Police Release 911 Call From Chimp Attack
Man, I don’t know where to start. When I first saw this headline with a video icon next to it, I said “HELL YEAH!” Then, before clicking the link, I thought about what probably happened and felt guilty. It was likely a horrible, vicious attack. I envisioned the 911 caller shrieking and being terrified. Do I even want to listen to it?
I end up clicking the link and the caller *is* shrieking and terrified. Her friend is being attacked and from the caller’s description, sounds close to losing her life.
A few problems though. One, the monkey is wearing a diaper. Already we have a cataclysmic battle between comedy and tragedy. Two, they don’t have any footage of the attack. They just have a few seconds of the monkey in a diaper being hustled into a cop car by the police.
Three, because they only have a few seconds of footage, they have to fill the video with other footage..like a file photo of the monkey mugging for the camera. Big grin on his face. Very relaxed. A little happy. And they are showing this photo while the woman is near tears, yelling at the 911 operator to send someone immediately.
Four, and this is neither funny nor tragic, the 911 operator is kind of a dick. I know he is trying to stay calm and business-like because it’s how they’re trained to handle these situations, but it starts rubbing me the wrong way near the end of the call. At one point, I’m not even sure he quite understands what is going on, like a monkey attack is too weird even for him to believe.
The whole video ends being this weird mashup of tragedy, fear, silliness, and inanity. If you are interested in watching it, though, here it is.
I Have an RSS Feed!
Jun 19th
And I wouldn’t use it for a few days.
First, thanks to Jim M. for the link that made setting up the feed easy.
For the past few days, I’ve been adding metadata to almost every post I have written. It started on a whim, something I did for a handful of recent posts, and went on from there. My thoughts are often a cluttered mess, and it feels good to be organized in at least one part of my life.
I think the RSS feed is updating every time I add a keyword to a post. I finished 200 so far, and have around 1,000 more to do. If you are reading on a newsreader, you may end up seeing four years of blog posts by the end of the week. I suggest waiting a few days and clicking on the “poop” tag to catch up on the best ones. Or for the very best, “poop monkey rocket”. Man, that monkey’s handlers were so pissed off when he returned back to Earth. Ahh, the stories.
Even in times of turbulent change, one thing always remains true
Sep 24th
It is impossible, absolutely impossible, to write a bad monkey story.
Need proof?
Sept. 24, 2004
CIUDAD JUAREZ, Mexico (Reuters) – Monkey pooped. The end.
See?
Monkey Think, Monkey Do
Oct 13th
From The Washington Post:
“Scientists in North Carolina have built a brain implant that lets monkeys control a robotic arm with their thoughts. [...]
“In the new experiments, monkeys with wires running from their brains to a robotic arm were able to use their thoughts to make the arm perform tasks. But before long, the scientists said, they will upgrade the implants so the monkeys can transmit their mental commands to machines wirelessly.” [italics mine]
Look. I like monkeys. They’re cute and, unlike lazy babies, throw away their own poop. But this is a bad idea. We’ve been smearing pink mascara on them, pushing them down hills on rollerskates and forcing our simian friends into servitude for capriciously-offered sips of juice for decades now. I don’t care how often they smile or hug animal trainers of talk shows: monkeys want revenge. And giving them mental control over a man-crushing robotic arm is two steps away from a horror movie plot and one step away from: “Sorry, Koko. I’m out of bananas. I’ll bring some tomorrow. Koko, what are you doing? No, Koko, no! I am your master! I AM YOUR…urlr…ack… [whump].”
Unequal pay makes monkeys go ape
Oct 12th
In addition to the hilarious photo + caption at the end of the article, this is actually an interesting study.
Monkeys Framed Again
Jun 10th
Move over SARS. Here comes monkeypox, the made-for-comedy disease that’s sweeping the nation.
A quote from a Washington Post article:
“Prairie dogs are believed to be the source of an outbreak of the monkeypox virus in the Midwest, health officials said.”
Which brings me to this question: WHO’S THE SICK BASTARD TRYING TO PASS THIS ON THE MONKEYS? If prairie dogs are the source, then let’s call the virus by its true name, FilthyRatfacedPrariedogPox. Or if we’re going to be irrational, let’s go all the way. Cause of the increased deficit, faltering economy, and restrictions on constitutional freedoms? Monkey did it.
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