Pancake City

How did I miss this bit of marketing genius for so long?

I have had an old Rubbermaid “Roughneck” laundry basket for many years now. The label copyright is 1983. I just noticed two things about it today.

1. The original product sticker is still on the bottom.

2. The Rubbermaid mascot is a thug.

The image quality is poor, but the message is clear: this guy is mad about laundry. His arms are crossed, his dockworker hat is pulled to the ridge of his forehead, and whatever is strapped to his wrist is either an unusual watch or portable garroting wire.

“Five Year Warranty”? Yeah, like I’m going to call Rubbermaid customer service and give my phone number and address to a company with Sir Thug-A-Lot on the payroll. “You got a problem with your basket? Yeah, I’ll come right over and fix it. I’ll fix it real good.”

I’m afraid to put laundry in this thing anymore. I was blissfully unaware of this relic of the tough-guy marketing trend for over a decade, and now I can’t fall asleep without a pullover and a pair of socks covering his face.

I understand the manly man marketing philosophy, but even accounting for today’s slightly increased sensibilities, what was Rubbermaid thinking?

AD MAN 1: “Hey, let’s put a picture of a man who looks like he beats his wife when the booze runs out on all our products aimed at women, many of whom who stay at home alone or with defenseless kids.”
AD MAN 2: “I like it! Mr. Clean, you going down.”

This might become a regular feature.

I’m not sure if it’s real or a very clever scam, but either way, it’s funny. He’s selling his ex-wife’s Beanie Babies. Link from LYD.

TELEMARKETER: “Is Mr. Poarch in?”
ME: “No, he moved out.”
TELEMARKETER: “Is Ms. Poarch in?”
ME: “Um, she also moved out. And they took the kid too.”
TELEMARKETER: “Thank you. [realizes what I said] Ha ha.” [click]

As part of Crayola’s 100th birthday celebration (”Feeding Milk Chocolate to hungry children for a 100 years”), the company is retiring four colors: Magic Mint, Blizzard Blue, Mulberry and Teal Blue. Crayola will replace the colors with Wizard Wintergreen, Cold Cobalt, Mystery Crayon (M–be-ry), and Scalpy Indian.

As you can tell, I changed the site design. I also changed my email address because I’m tired of getting spam. To stop email harvesters from getting my address, I have added ‘NOSPAM’ to it, which you will have to remove before sending email. I also added another ‘NOSPAM’ for extra protection. Only remove the irst-fay ‘NOSPAM’. Thanks.

Why isn’t there a brand of corn called “Children of the Corn”? This is just the type of nutritional shortsightedness caused by a lack of vitamins that makes me angry. Drug czars and pine green giants lament that kids don’t eat more vegetables, yet there isn’t not one corn company brave enough to draw little faces possessed by an evil force on all the kernels.

Of course, if you are a super-intelligent German, perhaps created by Nazi scientists in the 1930s and recently awaken from your cryogenic chamber, the solution is obvious: Herr Grosse Dollars, bilden diese produkte!

Peas in a Rod—A white rod with this on it: “Hey kids! Sugar inside!” The rod is stuffed with peas. That’ll teach those muthafuckers.

BroccoDoReMi—Move over Snap, Crackle, and Pop. Broccoli stems and singing sensations Do, Re, and Mi are going to Vitamin K-ick it old school.

Mixed Vegetballs—Chunks of carrots, squash, cauliflower, and tomatoes, joining forces for the first time in a duct-taped ball. Dunk it in the hoop, then in your mouth.

Mystery Bag: This bag is covered in colorful question marks. It has no name, no logo, no nutrition facts, and no UPC code. Sometimes it appears in the freezer section. Other times in seafood, or inside a box of Cocoa Puffs. What wild surprise could it be? There’s only one way to find out! And that way is to read this next sentence: the bag always contains brussel sprouts.

Don’t bother visiting Heineken’s web site if you are under 21. You’ll never make it through their impenetrable security procedure.

On the billboard of a local gas station:

“$17.95 Oil Change! Ladies Day!”

This story on the “enhanced” Hulk doll is spreading across the Internet as fast as you can say “giant Cheeto”. It’s obvious that the toy manufacturer, Play By Play, didn’t include a third arm on the actual doll. I’d like to find out if the doll is a hoax by The Sun, a knock-off by an adult toy company, or–how’s this for cynicism–planted by Play by Play to drum up interest and orders for the doll.

Best Buy, in a tribute to chemotherapy, is restricting the number of copies of Jewel’s new CD you can buy. Limit 3 per customer. So if you were planning on building an igloo out of Jewel CDs, you’ll need a help of several friends or a selection of fake mustaches. Also, if you are a dealer, do not even try to buy 1 copy. Best Buy knows who you are. Release date subject to change. Come on, 3/11/22. Daddy needs some shelf space for good music.

From The New York Times
“On Tuesday, at a speech promoting his economic plan in Indianapolis, White House aides went so far as to ask people in the crowd behind Mr. Bush to take off their ties, WISH-TV in Indianapolis reported, so they would look more like the ordinary folk the president said would benefit from his tax cut.”

If there were ever a time for the Democrats to hire 500 fast undressers with nipple rings…

My benchmark for physical fitness is the amount of groceries I can carry from my car to my townhouse. You may be able to bench 10×3 reps of 200 lbs., but can you lift $48.27 of groceries in one trip…post coupon?

When will ESPN2 stop airing the Strongman Challenge and show an event relevant to the common, everyday consumer: The Green Giant vs. Brawny. I have Brawny close to pinning The Green Giant until the little, green asparagus kid sneaks up behind Brawny and whacks him with a chair.

Speaking of Brawny, why is the company’s mascot a lumberjack? Starfish doesn’t put a fisherman with a spear through a dolphin on its can. And although it would be funny to see Bill Cosby ride in on a hoofless horse, I don’t think Jello wants to change their image. “Remember, if it can’t clippity-clop, it’s part of a Jello Pudding Pop!“

I received an envelope with the following printed above the address window: “PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE FOR ADDRESSEE ONLY.”

I felt so embarrassed when I read this. All this time, I’ve been opening my roommate’s mail and taking his magazine subscriptions to open mike night at the post office. “LEARN HOW TO SAVE 35 CENTS SEWING YOUR OWN BUTTONS! MUST REPLY IN 5 DAYS! Thank you. You’ve been a great crowd. Remember to tip your postal carrier.”

I wish other objects were as thoughtful as my envelope…

“EXCLUSIVE PROTECTIVE SHELL DESIGNED FOR BIPEDAL ADVENTURE TRAVELERS. PENALTY FOR NON-APPENDAGE USE.”

“CONTAINMENT SYSTEM MADE WITH ALMOST MOTIONLESS LIQUID. TO BE USED ONLY BY VALUABLE PEOPLE WITH OPPOSABLE THUMBS.”

“LIQUID WASTE DISPOSAL UNIT / SNOW SIGNATURE DEVICE / MINIATURE FIREHOSE. GROWS FASTER THAN SEA HORSES. $19.95.$9.95!”