Pancake City

A “researcher” posted an ad in the Wanted section on craigslist requesting people send him stories on their addiction to Internet porn. “I’d like to hear the intimate details. What’s your M.O.? How does it make you feel. Does your spouse know about it?”

Methinks someone is addicted to Internet porn addiction stories. But maybe this is legitimate. So I sent this email. I’ll let you know if I get a response.

Dear Scientist,

I am into Internet porn. Big time. (If I knew how to make the font bigger, it would be BIG TIME. But in a bigger font.)

I have been keeping a diary of my travails in the “final frontier”…of PORN! I would like to type the pages and send them to you. Should I take the dirty parts out? Highlight them? I want to help. Also, I don’t cyber, but I was wondering, do you cyber? Also, I’m not a woman, but I was wondering, are you a woman?

Your research sounds interesting. Which research organization are you part of? I must say, if you are part of The Heritage Foundation, I am not sending you anything. Those guys are dicks. (They told me to stop calling.)

Looking forward to hearing from you. May the Starship Enterprise take you to where no one has gone before!

“Frank”

“Hi Jason, regarding “igotmail.net”,

Go ahead and make us an offer and we will tell you if you are in the ballpark.

As soon as we receive payment (Paypal, Qchex, Visa or Mastercard) we will transfer it to you the same day.

Sincerely,
[ ] “

Cursed! They’re using the “Never make an offer first” tactic. What should I offer them? $100? A child? My love? Email me your suggestions. I’ll respond to them in a few days. Here’s how I delayed them:

“Need to run, dog kidnapped (thing with wife, long story). Sorry! Will make offer soon.”

Igotmail.com

“Igotmail.com!

J-Dog here. You got mail and I got money! I’m a systems programmer at AOL in Virginia, trying to make it up the corporate ladder. It’s the big man’s birthday next week (Ted Leonsis) and I want to get him this domain name as a gift.

Here’s how I picture it. He starts AOL. The system goes, “You got mail.” He responds, “I got mail!” Then he reads my email: “And I got you a web site, big man!” Boom! I get a promotion and a raise more bloated than the betaware I’m programming.

How much are you selling the name for? Can you get it to me in a week or less? Respond quickly please!

Thanks,
Jason”

Note 1: I sent the above email to Igotmail.net because they openly beg for a buyer, while Igotmail.com is registered but unhosted.

Unclaimed Domain Name Gem of the Day
Igotmale.com

As a gay man, I can attest to the lack of quality gay porn on the web. The same person is in all the shots: a hairless, vapid-looking, blonde-hair, blue-eyed lemur who looks like he was once a backup singer for Scorpions. I call him Chuck. Chuck is either lying on a satin pillow with his jeans unzipped or making love to Chuck II (Chuck with a dimple).

Occasionally, Chuck III will walk in on Chuck I and Chuck II, and, after getting over the shock (approximately seven seconds), join in the action. A few minutes, the camera jiggles, and—in what may be an impromptu move—the camera operator, Chuck IV (Chuck I in a brown wig and two dimples) enters the frame.

There just aren’t enough gay people to make good quality porn. We even have to recruit from the straight community. You may have heard of “gay for pay”, straight actors performing in homoerotic videos because it pays better than straight porn.

While I am heartened that some straight people can set their homophobia aside long enough to have their dick sucked for $500, I still hope that pornographers overcome their resistance to investing in the gay market and bring the same sense of competition and professionalism they have brought to the straight porn community. Because what really matters is the porn. And equality in the military, workplace, professional and college sports, marriage, and the media.

Note 2: If the vague images of homosexual sex made you uncomfortable, you can erase those disturbing images be rereading that passage “straightified” (I replaced the Chucks with names of beautiful women).

“As a gay man, I can attest to the lack of quality gay porn on the web. The same person is in all the shots: a hairless, vapid-looking, blonde-hair, blue-eyed lemur who looks like he was once a backup singer for Scorpions. I call him Chuck. Chuck is either lying on a satin pillow with his jeans unzipped or making love to Tia Carrere (Chuck with a dimple).

Occasionally, Sara Michelle Geller will walk in on Chuck I and Tia Carrere, and, after getting over the shock (approximately seven seconds), join in the action. A few minutes, the camera jiggles, and—in what may be an impromptu move—the camera operator, your Grandmother (Chuck I in a brown wig and two breasts down to her knees) enters the frame.”

Have a good night sleep.

Cybersquatter of the Day: ILovePancakes.com

I’ll let you know if I get a response.

“Hi,

I noticed that you registered the site ilovepancakes.com. I love pancakes too! Are you planning on starting a web site under that name? Please do not sell out to any companies (e.g. Bisquick, IHOP) that can exploit the good nature of our griddle cakes. ESPECIALLY IHOP. Have you seen their web site? On their front page, they have an army of cloned pancakes. It’s like the Pancakes from Brazil. I feel like drawing little Hitler mustaches on them. Is that wrong?

Jason Walther”

I figured out how to bring the Pentagon’s global warming report into the U.S. news media stream. Put Gene Weingarten on it. Okay, he hasn’t answered the questions below (yet!) but I’m sure he will.

Hi Gene,

A nutty organization did a study recently that said that climate change is a far worse problem than terrorism, and it may wreak catastrophic havoc in twenty years from now. Okay, the nutty organization is the Pentagon, and the defense chiefs covered it up until it was leaked to the British press a few days ago. A few questions:

1. Does The Washington Post feel snubbed? You guys are in the Pentagon’s back yard. A mere RPG launch away. Britain is a whole MX-80 away! And that’s assuming the SDR satellite system holds up for the transatlantic flight. What ever happened to taking care of your home dogs?

2. Um, why isn’t the U.S. news media talking about this? It’s like going in for an oil change and finding out your car may spontaneously combust in the next year. “But did you change the oil?”

3. I apologize in advance if you post this question. I made the missile and satellite system names up, and I am sure you will make many emails about how you post an email from someone so stupid as to not know the difference between an MX-80 and a IBM-45x, jackass. You don’t have to take their criticism for me, although I would like to mention I am a home dog.

3a. Same thing for the IBM-45x. I think it’s the name of the first computer I bought, 20 years ago. “Now with more ‘X’ power!”

4. WHY IS NO ONE IN THE U.S. MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!!!!