We live in an age of forgetting.
job hunting
I Did It
Apr 29th
I used the word booger in a cover letter.
And I’m proud of it.
That’s what the big boys call job hunting, biatches.
Web Page Mock-Up
Feb 26th
I’ve been working on a mock-up of a web page as part of an application for a job. If the layout is skewed or messed-up on your computer, now would be a great time to tell me. Thanks.
Feb 20th
Sorry for the trail-off in posting recently. I’m finally putting a decent amount of effort into the job hunt. I thought it would be painful but the process has been more enjoyable than how I used to spend my days: eat, nap, eat, nap, web browse, nap, shower?, nap…
Extended unemployment has turned me into a model of frugality, or as I say now, frug. After disdaining the excess of consumerism and commercialization in our society for years, I find myself having a powerful desire to take a shopping cart, a couple of beers, and a lasso and round up an electronics posse at Best Buy. “Yee-haw!” I’ll yell as I bring my cart on two wheels and lasso the last remaining IPod player from the hands of a sluggish teen, his senses dulled from years of rote learning, too many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and daily visits from his friend Mary Juniper Jane.
By the time he turns his head, he will only see a shadow fading into a cloud of dust, and hear faint yells of “Haa-hee!” “Who was that?” he’ll ask. A Best Buy employee, sucking on a corn cob pipe while in a rocking chair, will tilt his head up just an inch. “There goes a man who hasn’t bought a new pair of pants in a year.”
Cover Letters That Don’t Work
Oct 9th
I’m kicking myself in the ass and getting back into the job hunt (hence the almost minutely posts in a very successful temp to procrastinate.) I am going through my old cover letters to see if I can salvage pieces for the new ones. Pieces like this, which perhaps explain why I have been unemployed for a year:
If I could change my first name to “Writer”, my middle name to “/”, and my last name to “Strategist” to prove how committed I will be as a Writer/Strategist at PCI Communications, I would. Unfortunately, the judge denied my request. But I can show you how my experience will help PCI Communications further its award-winning efforts to provide communication strategies and support to its clients.
Missed a $100
Sep 10th
I replied to an ad about a web site usability study. $100 for 2 hours of web browsing. But I got screened out. It’s moments like this I wish life had save and restore buttons. I would have aced the screening questionnaire the second time. Instead, this happened:
WOMAN: “How often do you use the web? Less than 2 hours a week?”
ME: [snicker]
WOMAN: “2 to 5 hours a week? 5 to 10 hours? Or more than 10?”
ME: “More than 10 hours a week, or more than 10 hours a day? Well, it doesn’t matter.”
WOMAN: “I’m sorry. The demographic you’re in is full.”
ME: “Wait. By web, you mean spider webs, right? Because I run a spider farm. Is there another “web” out there? Also, I live in a cave. But not a terrorist cave. An old fashioned cave, the way grandma used to make them. Yup. That’s my motivation.”
WOMAN: “Go away.”
So You Want To Be Employed
Aug 16th
Guess what step 1 is for this Federal government writer-editor position I am applying for? I’ll give you a hint: it invloves answering 156 FRIGGIN’ QUESTIONS. I haven’t check what step 2 is because THESE INANE QUESTIONS HAVE CRUSHED MY DESIRE TO LIVE. Who the hell remembers what grade they got in their high school oral communication class? “Have you owned and successfully managed your own profit-making business?” Yes, yes I have. It’s called Suck My Nutsack, Gov’mint (Inc). We’re open for business 24 hours a day.
Rejection Letter
Jun 12th
Welch Foods Inc.
Jams and Jellies Division
575 Virginia Road
Concord, MA 01742
Dear Mr. Stephenson,
Thank you for your application to Welch Foods Inc. for the position of Web Editor. We regret to inform you that, after carefully reviewing your application, we feel that you are not ready for our jelly. We wish you the best of luck with your job search.
Sincerely,
Priscilla Clarkson
Human Resources Manager
Today’s H.F.S.
Feb 19th
(from today’s Washington Post)
“One measure of VDOT’s desperation over the weekend: It was hiring drivers off the street. One man who drives tour buses in the District showed up on Saturday, took a test on the spot and went right to work plowing snow. Such employ helped drive up the storm’s cost; each driver was paid about $80 an hour.”
$80 an hour? HOLY FUCKING SHIT. For $80 an hour, they could have given me a beer hat and a gallon of hot chocolate and I would have urinated the snow away.
Are stories like this told solely to make unemployed people feel bad? No unemployed person wants to read “$80 an hour”, “off the street”, and “over the weekend” in the same paragraph. It’s like reading about an “All You Can Grab” sale at the jewelry store the day after. I feel like a chump. Maybe that’s the real reason rioters steal TVs and computers. Not out of greed or malice, but to avoid the sickening feeling of missing an opportunity.
Okay, it’s probably greed. But that doesn’t make me feel less chumpy.
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