Pancake City

At a press conference yesterday, the partying part of Kiss’s “I Want To Rock and Roll All Night (and Party Every Day)” complained about its subordinate status.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said the currently parenthetical expression. “I realize the importance of rock and roll as much as anyone else. Partying could not exist without rock and roll. But like the bee and the flower, rock and roll would have no reason to exist without partying. It is a symbiotic relationship warped by derogatory semantics.”

Rock and roll, a long-time friend of partying, was lukewarm to the proposal. “Dude. Like, I don’t know. I mean, like, I’m first, you know? Dude.”

Partying, known for its planning and organizational abilities, offered several solutions:

* Change song title to “I Wish to Party and Rock and Roll All Day and Night, Together in Harmony.”
* Print partying and rock part on top of each other, hire Tibetan monks who can read both parts simultaneously as DJs.
* During prime partying season (summer), use “I Want to Party All Day (and Rock and Roll All Night). Winter, rock and rock part first. Wrestle for rights to spring and fall.

Crime family godfather Tony Carlone said yesterday that he has “no idea” whether mob members who knocked off a key government informant will be identified.

“I don’t know if we’re going to find out that person,” Carlone said between puffs of a cigar. “This is a large family. With a lot of friends. You see? I don’t have any idea.”

Carlone said he is eager to discover the identity of those who stuffed CIA operative Mike Pontz into the trunk of an ‘87 Chevy and shoved the car into the Potomac river last July. Carlone said that “everything we know, our friends the cops will find out,” but told reporters: “I have no idea whether we’ll find out who the person is — partially because, not to toot our own horn or nothing, we do a good job of protecting our family.”

Carlone mob members faced a deadline of 5 p.m. yesterday to present to D.C.’s District Attorney any documents that could be related to the D.A.’s criminal investigation. A Carlone spokesman said family lawyers will sort through the documents to determine which ones to hand over to the D.A. The Carlone family must turn over all information by Oct. 17, with intermediate deadlines before then.

At a press conference, family spokesman Sniffles Nantello repeated his categorical denial that three prominent Carlone family members — Carlone’s senior adviser Charlie “Magic” Rovello, older brother Richie Carlone’s bodyguard Louie “Lucky” Libbotini and public safety official Eddie “Legs” Soprano — had committed the crime or had knowledge of the crime.

“I wish we could help you guys out,” said Nantello. “But we just don’t have a good way of getting information from people.“

(the original article)

I wish there were a Junkfood Olympics. I ate a box of Ho-Hos in two days and, after scarfing down the last chocolate swirl coffin and pounding it down my cake-crusted esophagus, I was ready for more. Keep in mind, I am a triathlete. At the same time, I emptied a clip of 10 mini-sized Kit-Kats in my stomach and balanced the high sugar intake with some nutritious chocolate chip granola bars, which, to a homage to the granola that inspired it, were not double-dipped in chocolate.

What would the Junkfood Olympics news coverage be like?

SWEDISH OLYMPIC TEAM WARMUP BROWNIES LACED WITH THC; WHOLE TEAM ELIMINATED

RUSSIAN DISGRACES COUNTRY, EATS APPLE
‘I am a fraud’, cries Sergei.

U.S. VICTORY BITTERSWEET; TEAM CAPTAIN HAS HEART ATTACK, DIES, STILL FINISHES PIE

“Ronald Reagan Building To Be Renamed Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan Building”
“It’s time we honor our former President properly”, says Lott.

“Kidnappers Kidnap Baby Goat”
“They took my pet goat!” cries kid.

I was about to write a fake news story for that headline, but then I got this gut feeling that I saw it on The Onion a few years ago and it wasn’t my idea. I don’t know why, but ever since I started writing comedy I often doubt the originality of my ideas after the excitement of thinking of it dies down. Anxiety and a poor memory is a bad combination.