We live in an age of forgetting.
dating
Single? I’m Not Sure
Jan 12th
Sign I passed on the road:
“SINGLE ???????
CALL (703) xxx-xxxx”
I wasn’t going to call at first, but the 7th question mark reeled me in. Question marks 1-6 were bland and pedestrian. Six questions marks? If I wanted to see that, I’d read the opinion page in a college newspaper. But that 7th question mark blew my pants off and my phone in my hand. Not that I had any reason to have my pants off–I’m single–but sometimes the Duke brothers and the General Lee need to smell the fresh air of innovation.
If God Were One of Us
May 17th
Match.com could save itself a lot of money and work. The company spends tens of thousands of dollars advertising their site, hiring models for photos, analyzing web traffic, tracking customer activity, and creating promotions to defend its claim of the online dating world. And they could. get rid of it all and double their popularity just by advertising one of their little-known features. The feature?
Search. By. Mullet.
In addition to wind-tossed, teased, and curled, you can elect to receive page after page of potential dates with swept-back manes that will intoxicate your soul and provide wind resistance during blustery storms.
Match.com could spend 30 seconds a year creating advertising materials. “Are we rolling? No, screw it. One take. I’m Larry Abrahms, CEO of Match.com. I’ll make this short and sweet. You can search by mullet. You wanna spend 2 years developing mulletseekingmullet.com, be my guest. But for now, you got two choices. Food Lion or Match.com. I’m out.”
Search by mullet. Search by mullet. Search by mullet!
Update: As Anonymous pointed out, the links don’t work. Which sucks, because one of them was a contender for best mullet ever, and I can’t remember which area I searched to find him. So if you want to cull the mulls, you’ll have to search on Match.com yourself.
Lowest of the Low
May 10th
Curse them. Yahoo! Personals rejected my photo. You will pay for this, Yahoo! Personals (or is it, “Yahoo! Personals!”). You will pay. And I will not pay, “pay” being the amount of $19.95 for your discriminatory service. And you don’t even have many gay men. I’ve seen more gay people on the 700 Club. Sure, they’re in blown-up photos and have words underneath the photos like “EVIL”, “EXTRA EVIL”, and “AWESOME. JUST KIDDING. EVIL.” but that’s not the point. The point is, you suck. And that, even if I upload a real photo in the future, or a specific point in the future, like today, you still suck.
Brilliant
Feb 29th
I’ve been checking out a gay dating site, manline.com, recently. It has what has to be the gay dating site slogan ever: “Great men from top to bottom.”
I Love You Too, Jjhleftbbuutbb
Nov 25th
I got some unexpected good news today. A young vixen, Jjhleftbbuutbb (French?), wants to go out with me. We’ve never met, but I think she is attracted to the sly underscore in my email address. John Dvorak says it’s like a feather in a pimp’s cap.
Jjh-Lo loves camping, 4-wheelers, rollerblading, swimming, BBQs, road trips, Cedar Point, etc. My heart skipped when I read her words. I love road trips in my 4-wheelers to Cedar Point. And who knows what etc. means? I hope it means “buying my boyfriend video games and having a sexy, gay brother.”
The downside is that she seem a little desperate. “If i match somthing [sic] you want just come and talk [sic] to me on the site.” (lovinggoneright.com). And she’s “ALWAYS laughing/smiling” which, if you think about it, would get creepy real fast. Especially at funerals.
Why I’m Single
Aug 20th
I just called someone who responded to a personal ad a friend of mine put in the City Paper. He wasn’t there. BEEEEP. I was about to leave a message when I realized I couldn’t remember my phone number. ME: “Ummmmm….[click]“
I’m going to call back in a few minutes in a different voice.
Archenemy
Aug 7th
After reading my post on a personal ad, my archenemy, unprovoked and for absolutely no reason other than to inflict another cruelty upon myself, placed a personal ad in the CityPaper under my name. The ad, as you can see for yourself, is absolutely devoid of truth, wit, and creativity. Its only two notable traits is that it manages to take a crap on the English language in less than 50 words and, unlike 90% of said archenemy’s writing, is miraculously free of misspellings.
Okay, the ad is mostly true, but that’s not the point. The point is that I am a wonderful person who treats all my friends kindly and never, ever does anything mean like play practical jokes on them. Any comments otherwise are complete lies, probably said by Lenny McLiar of Liartown.
Personals
Aug 5th
I’m going to sign up for a few online dating sites soon. I’ve been thinking of lines that will make me sound both sexy and mysterious, like Barry White sung in Cantonese. What I have so far:
Things You Should Know About Me
I like mittens. They’re gloves without problems.
GET OFF MY HEAD, PANTS!
Drinking/Smoking Habits
The only thing I smoke is the pipe—The Pipe of Not Smoking. And I stuff it with the Tobacco of Occasionally Drinking.
Celebrity I Resemble Most
Hitler. (Note: My member name is Hip Hop Hitler and my photo is Hitler with a Rastafarian cap.)
Occupation
Breakdancing Fool that will take you to school*
* Sir Mix-a-Lot Elementary. Principal: Grand Master Flash
First Sign This Date Wasn’t Going To Work Out
May 11th
HIM: [after talking about birds for 5 minutes] “There’s this bird that’s just like the Blue Warbler but I can’t remember its name.”
ME: “I believe its official name is the ‘Almost Blue Warbler’.”
HIM: “Really?”
ME: “Uh, no. Not really.”
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