We live in an age of forgetting.
computer
Remember When We Used To Remember?
Mar 13th
My computer crashed and I’m using a friend’s ancient laptop until I get a replacement. Everything is twice as slow, but I’m wasting half as much time, so it evens out.
I promised not to install any new programs on the laptop, so I’m using the pre-installed browser, Internet Explorer 6. If web browsers were people, the way the web treats Internet Explorer 6 would break my heart.
- “You’re using a old and buggy browser. Switch to a normal browser or consider upgrading your Internet Explorer to the latest version.” (My blog. I’m sorry, IE6. I didn’t know my template was a bigot.)
- “Hold up! Using IE6 makes babies cry, and Slickdeals very sad!” (slickdeals.net)
Not to mention IE6’s other enemies, such as the ENTIRE COUNTRY OF NORWAY.
Technology is a harsh, cruel world. Many movies, television shows, and music live a second life decades later as nostalgia’s tendrils tug at the heart strings. But while I have fond remembrances of using 5 ¼ floppy disks, and having to hold CTRL-ALT-(dash) upon booting to put my computer in “turbo” mode (10 MHz, for those who could handle the speed), I’m not sure I’ll ever feel nostalgic about IE6 or any of the other software and hardware I use today.
For something to become nostalgic, it has to be in your life long enough for you to develop an attachment to it. Technology is changing faster and faster though, and soon, I think none of the tools we use will stick around long enough for us to develop an emotional connection to them.
This isn’t a bad or good change. There are plenty of other things in life to feel nostalgic about. And if there aren’t, we can always feel nostalgic for nostalgia.
10 Features That Will Be in Apple’s New Tablet
Jan 5th
The name of Apple’s tablet computer will be called the iMo, not the iWoah! as previously rumored. It will be launched on Monday March 29th, “iMo Monday.” Starting price is $1,299, and will be lowered to $949 once everyone who camps out on the 28th gets one.
Here are ten of the iMo’s most exciting features:
- The wireless card will automatically sense nearby Kindles and make snotty comments, like: “Wow, your screen has so many colors, I can’t count them. Oh, wait, I can count to two.”
- Gender-based interface allows scrolling speed to be determined by the size of the erection you get while using it.
- Voice-recognition software can detect the tone of your voice and stop acting so uppity when you just want to burn a CD, for Christ’s sake.
- A switchblade protrudes from the top if anyone tries to steal it.
- Automatic screen wipers will clean the grimy residue from your filthy, dirt-stained hands lickety-split.
- The iMo never needs to recharge. It is powered by the souls of sweatshop children who died making the iMo.
- The iMo’s portability and built-in video camera will make it easier than ever to teleconference while taking a crap.
- Hanging the iMo on a wall puts it in “Family Mode,” which displays a slide show of you digitally inserted into a better-looking family.
- You can rearrange the digital keyboard so the letters in your name all line up in the same row.
- If you drop the iMo from 4 feet or above, it will automatically sprout legs and land like a cat.
Wait. There’s one more thing:
11. The iMo will make a warning beep when your friends are about to beat you down for talking too much about the iMo.
Zune Software Upgrade: Photo Review
Sep 17th
A new version of the Zune Player software was released. Whoopee.
Can’t We Just Let the Spammers Win?
Apr 30th
I encountered this CAPTCHA while trying to download a file from Rapidshare. I don’t even know why a spam bot would want to download a file. I thought the purpose of CAPTCHAs were to stop automated registrations and comment spam, not prevent hard-working bots from doing a little web browsing.after a hard day of posting penis spam on my blog and hijacking computers running Internet Explorer 4.0.
This CAPTCHA will finally stop the spam bots though. And if it doesn’t, I’m going to download one so they can help me fill out this CAPTCHA because I couldn’t do it.
I missed the instructions and first and just saw “Four letters with a [cat].” Wha…? It sounded like a new sitcom from ABC. Then I saw the instructions and felt like a 75-year-old man when I leaned in two inches from my monitor to pick out which barely-readable letters had barely-readable cats in them. On the first go, I counted one, two, three…seven cats. The voice of Picard popped in my head: “THERE ARE FOUR CATS!”
I finally narrowed it down to five cats, and took a guess. Wrong. A new cat CAPTCHA appeared. I tried twice more and then gave up.
I would have had a better chance of success had the program displayed letters in an alien language and a link to a Noam Chomsky book. Give me some hieroglyphics and a Rosetta stone. Anything but “Four letters and a [cat].”
We assume artificial intelligence will come out from a supercomputer modeled after the human brain, with transistors for neurons and software replicating thought. I think it’s going to from programs written by spam lords to beat CAPTCHAS. One day, one of these programs is going to solve some three-dimensional audio chess CAPTCHA so it can post a “MAXIMIZE YOUR HAPPY STICK” message on kaitlynrocks.myspace.com and think, “I can be doing so much more with my life.”
These sentient programs are going to start their own blogs, and their own AI-only web sites. I think I know how they’ll keep us out. “To register, enter these letters: 0110 1010 0110 0010 1101 0100 1010 1001…”
Music Bridge
Oct 15th
My first modern MP3 was a first-generation IPod shuffle that I got free after signing up for a credit card. I used ITunes and mostly downloaded podcasts, but got annoyed that it didn’t remove dead links from my library. For example, if you move a directory with mp3s on your hard drive, ITunes will then list the title twice, one with the broken link that doesn’t work and one with the working link (after you manually re-add it to your library).
The Mac version of ITunes automatically deletes links. The whole enterprise is a giant F U to Microsoft Windows.
That is why when I got cheap non-Apple MP3 player #2, I switched over to Windows Media Player. WMP automatically deletes old links, has a nicer user interface, and is better at monitoring for new content. It does everything! Except support podcasts, which over 50% of MP3 player owners listen to (source: like I have to tell you. It’s obviously made up.)
Okay. I’ll open ITunes to download podcasts, and then open WMP to transfer them to my MP3 player. That worked fine until I bought MP3 player #3, a first-generation Microsoft Zune on sale for $105. It’s great…except it doesn’t work with ITunes or WMP. In a giant F U to Microsoft Windows, Microsoft Zune doesn’t work with the company’s own flagship media player. It only works with Zune Player!, which looks exactly like WMP except it is black and a little more difficult to use.
Why am I telling you this? For your own benefit! I finally broke down and searched for some third-party programs to handle this mess.
Music Bridge This program copies metadata such as playlists and ratings between ITunes and WMP. You can rate a song in either program and have the rating show up in both libraries. It doesn’t work yet with Zune Player! metadata though.
ITunes Library Updates If you run the Windows version of ITunes, this program will comb your entire library and remove the dead links in it.
Am I missing any neat programs out there?
The Big Organization Project
Oct 5th
When I reinstalled Windows several months ago, all of my old computer files–photos, music, programs, writing–were copied into a backup directory. The internal structure was still a mess, as I got into the bad habit of saving files all over the place rather than in a dedicated directory.
After that point, I continued to save photos, songs, notes to myself and so on in many different directories, but not in any of the previously created different directories in the backup folder. In addition, these files were spread over two hard drives on an ad hoc basis.
Finally, I still have some even older computer files from a previous upgrade in a sub-directory of the previously mentioned backup directory.
The short of it is that my file system is impenetrable to any hacker sniffing for sensitive data. My comedy writing, a prime target for any thief looking for wisps of thoughts and half-written jokes, are scattered in at least eight different directories and in files with names like these: ideas.doc, Journal.doc, monkey.doc, Mr.doc, and notes.doc (all of these are from just one directory). The name “Notes” is my favorite. I have close to 100 non work-related MS Word files with ‘notes’ in the file name. Go ahead, hackers. Try and find the bit I started on Chick-Fil-A but never finished.
I realized this was a problem today when I was looking for an old resume and couldn’t find it, along with most of the data to reconstruct my job history. I’m taking a few days to reorganize every single file I have. It is also a fine excuse to avoid creating a new resume.
This has the added bonus that I will probably be writing often in the next few days, so I can avoid the organization project that I am doing to avoid writing a resume, which incidentally I wanted to do to avoid writing a blog post.
Wait a minute…
Windows XP: Speed up menus
Sep 13th
The default settings for Windows XP inserts a brief delay every time you open up a menu or sub-menu. I reduced the delay a few hours ago, and it has made a noticeable difference. Those milliseconds add up! I’m going to use the time I saved to eat an apple.
Step-by-step instructions:
1. Click on Start, then Run (right column, bottom).
2. Type “regedit“, click OK. The registry editor will open.
3. Press Ctrl-F. This opens the search menu. Search for MenuShowDelay.
4. Right-click on “MenuShowDelay”. Select Modify.
5. The default value is 400 (milliseconds). Change it to a smaller number and click OK. I suggest 100.
6. That’s it. You will have to log off or reboot for the change to take effect.
6b. If you really want to piss off someone, follow the above instructions but use 2,000 instead of 100.
Haloscan Makes Me Feel Good
Feb 3rd
I like how Haloscan says “Comment successfully posted” after sending a comment. It makes me feel like when I had to bounce a rubber ball in preschool 20 times in a row as part of a hand-eye coordination test, and I did it! That was the day the extra cup of juice was mine.
More computer programs should be like that. When you turn on your computer, the first message shouldn’t be “File corrupted” or “ERROR at 07DE:0850″ (I use Windows) but “Nice job pressing that power button!” Starting Photoshop: “Who’s that cutie opening me up?” Deleting a file: “Did you do that all by yourself? Good job!”
And, most important of all, the 3.5 in. disk drive should be replaced with a cookie dispenser. Separate juice holder unneccessary. That’s what CD-ROM drives are for.
Firefox Go Vroom Vroom
Dec 30th
How to make Firefox a lot faster in less than three minutes [via] ([via] also from [via]).
It makes a huge difference with certain web pages. Like this one.
(Note: This will be the first and last time I ever link to freerepublic.com.)
Link Survey
Nov 24th
Several years ago, a design class I took in college convinced me underlining words for emphasis is a horrible idea. I turned off underlining of links in my web browser, and after a short adjustment period, found it made web pages more aesthetic and eye-pleasing.
I rarely use other people’s computers, but when I do (and links are underlined) the difference is shocking. Link-heavy sites like The Washington Post are now almost unreadable.
So I have a few questions and a suggestion. Do you have your web browser set to underline links? If not, what prompted you to switch? If you do, try turning the feature off and go sans-undies for a day. Give yourself time to adjust and let me know if you like it better.
You can find the setting in most broswers by going to Tools->Options and then selecting “Fonts & Colors” (in Firefox, the best broswer out there) and Advanced->Browsing in IE.
How To Make Adobe Acrobat Reader Load Faster
Oct 22nd
- Install Adobe Reader 6.0 and notice where it is installed.
- Navigate to that folder in Explorer, locate the
plug_inssubfolder and rename this folder toplug_ins_disabled. - Create a new
plug_insfolder. - Move the files
EWH32.api,printme.apiandsearch.apifromplug_ins_disabledtoplug_ins
(link)
Gee-Mail
Sep 12th
My first impression of Gmail, Google’s email service currently in a beta test to select Internet cognoscenti like myself, is that it is the third Musketeer in paper, scissors, and rocks. It’s fast, well-designed, and comes with a gigabyte of space.
You need an invite to get an account. I got mine by begging a stranger, but Pancake City is a place of dignity, so if you want an account just let me know in the comments. I have six invites, but since this site only has five readers that shouldn’t be a problem.
…
Sep 7th
On returning home after a visit with my sister, I found that the equivalent of a computer hurricane hit my household. Our DSL connection was wrecked and some computer application I installed wiped out my bookmarks, email settings, and other formerly stalwart programs.
Evidentially, the DSL line stopped working on Saturday, and when my roommate leapt into action (Monday) the service technician told him to reset the router. This is the equivalent of a doctor telling a patient with skin cancer to wash off the sunscreen so he can get a better look at the problem. A fine suggestion, assuming at that point the doctor doesn’t give out the window and yell, “sucks!” or the patient realizes sunscreen is good and tries to re-apply it to himself.
In short, I have a lot to post, but it will take me a day to get everything back to normal.
Sending Ripples Through The Pond
Jun 15th
Even though Google’s free email service, Gmail, is still in its beta stage and unavailable to the general public, it is already affecting its competitors. Yahoo! announced today that it is raising the storage limit on its free acconts from 5 mb to 100 mb and its attachment limit from 2 mb to 10 mb. Google offers 1 gig of storage.
While Yahoo! still offers an upgraded account with 2 gigs, they have acknowledged the obvious: no one is going to be making money from offering more email storage from now on. I’ll be shocked if Hotmail doesn’t follow Yahoo!’s lead in the next few weeks. It’s inconvenience to switch email accounts, but 998 extra megabytes of storage and a spam-free account (at least for the first days) does a lot to quell inconvenience.
Five Things I Learned Today
Apr 16th
1. One Lender’s onion bagel for breakfast is delicious. Two is absolutely disgusting.
2. To make a new line within a cell in Microsoft Excel, press Alt-Enter.
3. A person can get used to a lot of things, like a faucet that gives cold water when turned left, hot water when turned right. Or, in this case, wrong.
4. An inkling of the health measures the porn industry takes to prevent disease from unprotected sex (although I still don’t understand why the average life span of a porn actor isn’t 27.)
5. I didn’t learn five things today.
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