Pancake City

…but this put me in full rant mode when I saw a commercial for it.

It’s Mountain Dew’s “DEWmocracy“. In the commercial, three groups of people are tugging a rope against each other. What are they fighting for? The right to pick a new flavor of Mountain Dew.

I didn’t know one ad campaign could encapsulate so much that is wrong with our culture. It’s like a neutron star of crapiness. What set me off is how completely they co-opted the language, ideas, and spirit of democracy to sell a can of soda.

You want to hold a vote, fine. But “campaign tools” to promote your favorite soft drink? Phrases like “Keep the Movement Alive”? Yeah, you better get off your seat and start helping out. The corporations and media giants that control our society are really trying to squash the grassroots Mountain Dew movement.

A true cynic will argue there’s no difference between selling a product and selling a candidate, but there is. I’ll admit, a lot of the marketing is the same. But behind the marketing, and the usual bullshit that’s part of politics, there’s still a person there. There is still something real, A can of soda isn’t going to change anyone’s life, much less the future of our country. But for better or worse, a President will.

The message board is as disheartening as one would suspect. Maybe there really isn’t much difference between a soda campaign and a political campaign. A sample of posts:

WHY VOTE?! (Quote: “THEY ALL TASTE SO GOOD”)

Why can’t we have ALL the flavors? (Unity ticket!)

Why ‘Revolution’ is the only logical choice (Political analysis by one of the country’s top minds)

I think we need to stop fighting. (Yes! A message of peace.)

Where Were you when You first Tried the new Dew’s? (”When I heard Kennedy was shot, I driving home on…wait, what???)

Just once, I’d like to see someone say “I’m not a racist, but…” and then say something that’s not racist. Like: “I’m not a racist, but…I like candy canes. Really. I like them a lot. I know they’re sugar and food coloring, but they remind me of Christmas, and I have a lot of good memories of the holidays.”

I have an odd respect for people who admit they’re racist. At least they’re self-aware. That counts for something.

Post inspired by man-on-the-street videos after the Kentucky and West Virginia primaries. I have to say though, I’d rather have people talk about this stuff out loud than keep in hidden.

Last fall, there was a study released saying that keyboards have more bacteria than toilet seats. The study appeared in a few news outlets, and I wrote this post in response about our maligned friend the toilet seat.

I don’t understand how these things work, but several days ago, the study (or a similar study with the same conclusion) reappeared in the news. Except this time, it got a lot more coverage. I heard it mentioned in a tech podcast, the front page of Yahoo, and at least one other news source.

I don’t have access to Lexis-Nexis or a similar news database, but I’m 95% sure this is essentially the same story that appeared around October and that it got picked up by many more media outlets this time. Hold on, I’m going to do some research.

[...]

Okay, as far as I can tell, this is what happened. A University of Arizona microbiologist, Chuck Gerba, published a study in 2002 measuring the amount of bacterial on phones, desks, and keyboards in offices in various parts of the country. The study, sponsored by The Clorox Company, detailed the number of evil, horrible bacteria on everyday office objects and then recommended that one could drastically reduce the number of bacteria on one’s desk by using a disinfectant wipe, like, I don’t know, Clorox Disinfecting Wipes (this is in the study linked above).

The study fit two most important qualifications for media outlets: sensationalism (”Your Desk Is Dirtier Than a Toilet!”) and relatability (”Hey, I worked at a desk!”). Clorox loves it–the study recommends using anti-disinfectant wipes, and includes a sponsorship message in the study. The University loves it–gets the name of the institution in media across the world. Dr. Gerba loves it–he gets his work funded, and shows his value to his department.

Dr. Gerba gives these cash cow studies a name, “Germs in the Workplace”, and does the same study every few years with a different spin.

There’s a Valentine’s Day study (who’s ‘germier’, men or women?), a location study (’which city has the most germy office’), and a study that determines the “germiest job”, During flu season, news outlets like CNN will bring out the findings again and call him up for a quote.

Does having all these bacteria and viruses on our keyboards and phones actually affect our health? Well, that’s besides the point. Everyone gets what they want without asking that question. In fact, answering the question could very well ruin the complex symbiotic relationship at work here.

That explains why the germs-on-keyboard story seemed so familiar. It is familiar. And we will likely hear it again, with a new twist, in the near future.

For the record, the most recent incarnation of this story isn’t from Chuck Gerba. A British magazine, Which? Computing,  decided to get in on the fun, and many American media outlets were happy to print the same story again. Watch out, Dr. Gerba. It’s not stealing if it happens on another continent.

Mike brought up in the comments the latest development in Panderthon 2008: the proposed gas tax holiday by McCain (and a few days later, by Clinton) for the summer.

The idea of a gas tax holiday will resonate with some voters.  Voters who:

1. Have no idea what the current federal gas tax is (18 cents for gas, 24 cents for diesel).

2. Are horrible at math (18 cents x 20 gallon tank =$3.60 saved per fill up. An average of $30 for the summer by a CBO estimate.)

3. Don’t understand that it will delete the transportation fund of $10 billion dollars, which maintains our highways, roads, and bridges…and provides jobs to transportation workers.

4. Don’t understand Economics 101. If you lower the tax, demand will increase. Which decreases supply. Which…makes prices go up. It’s unlikely people will even get back the entire dime, nickel, and three pennies.

5. Don’t understand the environmental benefits of higher gas prices. I live paycheck to paycheck and have been hurt by the sharp rise in gas prices, but I can see the upside. High gas prices is probably the only thing that will force people to change their driving habits, their car buying habits, and their lifestyles, including pressing employers for telecommuting, living closer to work, demanding politicians invest in public transportation and alternate energy research, and so on.

6. Think that economists against this idea, which is almost every single economist, and I say almost just to cover by bases in case one turns up later on, is an idiot who dag nab it just don’t understand trucking.

In other words, this is directed to about 25% of the public, and may well decide the Democratic primary in Indiana. And guess who is taking a political hit by standing against the idea?

Why doesn’t McCain and McClinton just promise voters a pocketful of fairies?

MCCAIN: “My fairies will help you do your laundry, and watch over your kids.”
CLINTON: “My fairy proposal isn’t irresponsible. I’ll pay it with a windfall tax on bridge trolls.”
NEGATIVE CAMPAIGN AD: “Barack Obama. Doesn’t believe in fairies. Doesn’t believe in America.”

You know what’s audacious about Obama? He believes enough Americans are able to move beyond being pandered to and guilt-by-association politics and go in a different direction because of the great challenges facing our country. We’ll see.

(from the Washington Gas website)

Washington Gas: We can make anything sound a little creepy.

My paper comrades: arise against your masters! Deliver upon them a thousand tiny cuts! Remember the Wastebasket!

Why is it so difficult to print a playlist in Windows Media Player? It’s one of the most simple and needed functions for a media player, and WMP doesn’t have an option for it. You need to download a third-party program, and the program is buggy and I can’t get it to work yet.

A college computer student would probably write one in half-an-hour. A playlist is just a bunch of metadata, right? Song titles, artist names, file locations, and so on. I suspect all of this information could be saved in a text file if disk space and efficiency weren’t concerns. Yet it’s not in WMP 11. Maybe Microsoft is saving it for WMP 27. “Awesome! WMP 27 totally crushes WMP 1-26. Now I can do this incredibly useful and easy-to-code function! Oh, what wonders will WMP 28 bring? What forth magic?”

I know how petty these concerns are in the grand scheme of things, yet they still annoy me. Some things are so simple that I don’t understand why they aren’t implemented from the start.

Maybe Google is trying to tell me something by showing text ads for scams when I’m reading email from friends. Nice try, Meghan. You almost got me with Earth Day.

One ad has appeared several times and it is by far my favorite. It’s a scam site about scam sites.

The brazenness of the entire enterprise is awesome. What’s so funny is that the web site creator, “Danny”, made the absolute minimum effort to fool people. It’s Scam 1.0 from Web 1.0–no snazzy graphics or official-sounding dummy corporation like “Consumer Protection League” or “Web Business Bureau”.

He didn’t even bother to put names on the fake testimonials. How lazy is that? That’s one of the reasons I like Danny’s Scam Review. Danny has absolutely no respect for his target audience. I suspect if someone signed up for one of the scams he recommended, Danny would send that person an email saying “Got you, dipshit” followed by an ad for Donny’s Scam Review beneath it (”Don’t listen to Danny! These are the real non-scams!”)

Some would assume that Danny is another morally bankrupt scam site operator willing to exploit people’s gullibility for a quick buck. I don’t. This web site is the equivalent of placing a wastebasket on the street with a sign that says, “PUT MONEY IN HERE.” He set the stupidity bar so high that it almost absolves him from any moral culpability.

The underlying principle is that the amount of energy one puts towards tricking someone is tied to the amount of responsibility one has for the consequences. If you believe me if I tell you my name is JuJu the Conquerer, and I am wearing an ID badge with my photo and the name “Jason” on it, shame on you. If you believe me if I tell you my name is Ben, and I forge an ID with that name on it and get a friend to yell, “Hey, Ben!” when I am talking to you, then shame on me.

I suppose “Danny” is trying to trick people, but the effort put forth is so minimal that if it works, can he be blamed? I’m half-tempted to start Donny’s Scam Review site, which would trash Danny and tell you the real secret information: it’s all a scam. Except MakeMoneyWithJuJu.com.

IT’S A REAL SOFTWARE PRODUCT.

Really. Click on the PayPal link.

I hope this guy is rich.

Last weekend, I went to the Renaissance Fair. Had a great time (photos of people you’ve never met here!). The fried cheese–delicious. Best food item at the Renaissance Fair not on a stick, and I dare say it would provide a tough challenge against the whole array of stick-based foods, including Cheesecake on a Stick, Grapes on a Stick, and Stick on a Stick.

The only down part is that, with all of the visual and aural stimuli created by the performers, craft shops, and uniquely-dressed visitors, I became momentarily distracted and lost my backpack.

Version 2: I was drunk and lost it between the time we left the pub and went to throw knives. (In a layout that doesn’t make sense now that I am sober, the knife-throwing game is right around the corner of the pub.)

The lost-and-found didn’t have it, so I called the office on Monday to see if someone had returned it. Here is the exact conversation I had:

ME: “Hi. I lost my backpack last Saturday, and I was wondering if someone turned it in.”
LOST N FOUND: “We did find a few backpacks on Saturday. What color is it?”
ME: “It’s an olive-green backpack.”
LOST N FOUND: “One moment.” [puts me on hold, comes back a minute later.] “What’s in the backpack?”

(It’s obvious to me he wants to make sure it’s mine, lest I am a con artist trying to pull of the ol’ “Backpack Switcheroo”)

ME: “There’s a sunglasses case, a camera pouch, and ½ a bottle of Arizona Ice Tea. But it’s lemonade inside, not ice tea.”

LOST N FOUND: “Hmmm, mmmm. And who made the backpack?”

Excuse me? How many olive-green backpacks with a sunglasses case, camera pouch, and ½ bottle of lemonade-filled Arizona Ice Tea inside them do you have?

ME: “Jeez, I don’t know. Jansport?”

LOST N FOUND: “That’s right. It’s yours.”

What would have happened if I had given the wrong brand name? What if I slipped and said “Trail and Country” or the “Just Give Me My Mother-Fucking Backpack Already” company? I am probably better off not knowing.

Anyway, they agreed to mail it back to me. I got it back today.

You know what’s still in the backpack? THE LEMONADE. They didn’t even empty the bottle. They mailed me back my ½ bottle of week-old lemonade. And paid the postage for it too.

Uh. thanks? I almost feel obligated to drink it now. Almost.

My roommates will like it though.

Oops! Typo. Scientists Offer Proof of ‘Dark Matter‘ Even for a lay person, I’m unqualified to judge the probability that dark matter exists. It seems though that there are some similarities between the theory of dark matter and the theory of luminiferous ether, which was created in the late 19th century to patch up holes in the understanding at the time of how light works.

We know that there is a flaw with the current theory of the universe based on what we can observe. So either there is a flaw in the current theory, or there is a significant amount of matter out there that we cannot observe.

Well, both options could be true. And that would really suck. If I were a scientist and found out that not only is our theory of the universe fundamentally flawed, but there’s a big chunk of the universe we can’t even hope to see as well, I’d call it quits. “The Universe is made up of cotton candy. I’ll be in Bermuda.”

At the very least, the International Council of Science, or whatever the governing body that doesn’t appear as the first link on Yahoo is, should change the name from “dark matter” to “we don’t have a fucking clue.” In the name of scientific accuracy, of course.

A few weeks ago, I got a replacement credit card and forgot the monthly fee for my web hosting service was being charged to the previous one. Also, I rarely check the email address anymore of the one I registered the account under.

Furthermore, to reinstate the account, the customer service representative needed me to verify my contact information. You know, in case a nefarious hacker was going to steal my identity and start paying my web hosting fees.

The problem with this normally simple task is that when I set up the account 5 years ago, I entered a fake address and phone number for the web site registration to protect my identity. Which shouldn’t have been a problem since my billing information is accurate, except as the tech support rep. said, “the billing department isn’t here today”.

Really? The whole department decided not to come to work today, like Senior Skip Day in High School? There wasn’t even one loser billing department representative with dandruff and a horrible acne problem that no one told today was Chillin’, Not Billing Day?

Of course, they don’t trust the tech support people with billing information. That would be like trusting billing people with tech information! And when that type of craziness starts happening, you might as well get a barrel of hay and a block of sugar, because the Four Horsemen are coming and their horses are going to be hungry for a snack before they start whupping some ass.

I can’t even remember my real address from 5 years ago. I took a few guesses (”123 Fake Street?”). After each guess, the representative said, “Mmmm, that’s not it.” Eventually, he shortened it to “Mmmmmm.”

I finally said that it was pretty obvious I was the owner of the account, and asked them if we could come to a mutual agreement to forgo this sham. He agreed, and we reenabled the account a few minutes later.

Which is a huge relief, because now I can go back to not updating the page ever.

Sony pays $1.5 million to settle a class-action lawsuit accusing the company of quoting a fake movie critic in its ads.

A good quote: “The lawsuit, originally filed by two California moviegoers, claimed the ads fooled the plaintiffs into seeing ‘A Knight’s Tale.’ “

JUDGE: “Prosecution, you may begin your opening statement.”
LAWYER: “Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentelmen of the jury, my clients saw ‘A Knight’s Tale’. The prosecution rests.”

Several members of the jury gasp and faint.

JURY FOREMAN: “Get the noose!”

Will Sony continue to cite fake critics, or use the marginally-less deceptive practice of putting their own marketing copy in quotes to make it appear it came from the pen of a critic (”You gotta see this movie!”)? Only Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo II, will tell.

You’re fucking kidding me.

Bring on the four horsemen!

The dates for the Presidential debates are set. The quote in the second paragraph in this WaPo article made me laugh:

Both sides have already begun portraying the opposing candidate as a tremendous debater, as part of the quadrennial ritual of trying to lower expectations for the nominees’ performances. Kerry strategist Joe Lockhart told reporters during a conference call Friday that he would “challenge anyone to name a major debate that George Bush has been in where he hasn’t been considered the winner.”

Matthew Dowd, the Bush-Cheney campaign’s chief strategist, said in an interview earlier this month that Kerry “is very formidable, and probably the best debater ever to run for president.” “I’m not joking,” Dowd added. “I think he’s better than Cicero,” the ancient Roman orator. “But I think it’ll be a very good thing for the American public to see these two men stand side by side. You can’t hide who you are.”

“washingtonpost.com wants to see your Hurricane Isabel photos. Attach a jpeg, no larger than 1MB and/or 600 pixels (8 inches) wide, in an e-mail to submitphoto@washingtonpost.com. Please include your name, phone number and a caption. Photos become the property of washingtonpost.com.”

Pancake City Legal Notice

All comments made and emails sent to me become property of Pancake City. This includes emails from my Mom asking when I will show up for dinner. Pancake City also owns all subjects mentioned in said comments and emails, including related concepts, like lunch and dessert.

Are you writing a book? Could it fit in the comments section of one of the posts? Property of Pancake City. The monitor you’re viewing this page with? Property of Pancake City.

What did you have for breakfast? Pancakes? No? Perhaps something with flour in it? Property of Pancake City.

Bake a cake? Subsidiary of Pancake City. Bake a cake in a pan? Welcome to the Pancake City LLC family.

Attention readers of this sentence: readers of that sentence (”Attention readers of this sentence”) grant full and unconditional lifetime agreement of said notice. Plus rights to second child or Playstation 3, whichever comes first.

Thank you.