blogathon

Costume Ideas for Halloween

Halloween is more than candy. It’s a chance to ignore the social norms that normally govern our lives. To push the boundaries of taste and acceptability further than you can push them the other 364 days a year. In short, if you’re dressing up as a ghost or a pirate, you’re wasting your one chance to be an oyster that can pop pearls out of places pearls usually don’t pop.

And that place is a Nerf gun. But if a pearl-popping oyster isn’t your idea of a good time (freak), one of these costumes is sure to do the trick.

Reverse Santa Claus–Don a blue Santa Claus costume. When you enter the room, say “Oh, oh oh!” and take gifts, like candlesticks, jewelry, and wallets. When people express reservations about what you’re doing, wink at them and says, “Oh oh oh! Would there be a twinkle in my eye if I were really stealing these items? Oh oh oh!” Then flee to Mexico.

SpongeBox–Based on the Nickelodeon cartoon “SpongeBob,” the SpongeBox costume is sure to delight both children and adults. SpongeBox is an old man in a cardboard box giving himself sponge baths.

“Bitch”–You know that really annoying person in your life who complains about everything, criticizes your looks, and tries to sleep with your boyfriend? Convince her to dress up as a witch. Then follow her around with a megaphone and yell, “Look, it’s a bitch!”

Jiggolow–Dress as a Chippendale’s dancer. When people ask, “Are you a gigolo?” respond, “No, I’m a jigg-o-low–cause the jiggling’s down low!” Then drop a hamster down your pants.

That Guy–You know that guy who was, like, in Short Circuit, and then he starred in that baby movie with those two other guys? Dress like him.

Popeye the Siamese Sailor Man–Get a friend. One of you is dressed as a sailor. The other just likes spinach.

The Great Beardini–Three weeks before Halloween, stop shaving. Don a black veil. On Halloween, remove your veil and say, “Ta da!”

Magic Breasts Woman–Construct a pair of fake breasts that can be controlled remotely. When a man ogles your chest, slowly move your breasts together until they pass each other and switch positions. Then get a friend to slap the guy on the back, permanently making him cross-eyed.

T-Shirto–Wear dozens of T-shirts over your body: legs, arms, torso, and naughty bits. Don a red cap, or a garbage bag if you’re going ghetto. When people ask you what you are, say “I am T-Shirtoooo!” If they ask what your super powers are, say “I am T-Shirtoooo!” Repeat until they go away. (Note: This is currently my top idea for a Halloween costume.)