We live in an age of forgetting.
Jason
It's ROW-bot, not ROO-bot.
Homepage: http://www.1001words.com
Posts by Jason
Double Nerd Test
Mar 9th
Rep. Massa: “What I really ought to be doing is fracking you.” Who does this guy think he is, Col. Tigh?
Extra nerd bonus: Go Ben! That is all.
The Oscars
Mar 8th
I’m glad Kathryn Bigelow won best director. She really outshined her ex-husband last night, Deuce. And did you see what he was wearing last night? A bow tie and leather snap-on pants do not a tuxedo make.
Sorry, dyslexia popped up again. Meant to say, “A tuxedo is not made of a bow tie and leather snap-on pants.”
If “Deuce Bigelow 3: Still Jigglin!” wins Best Picture next year, and let us pray that it does, I hope the director’s acceptance speech includes the line, “I look forward to the day where we don’t need to put male before gigolo.” I can honestly say I will cry with happiness if that moment happens.
Hodgepodge
Mar 5th
* The Daily Show showed a series of Republican pundits using the same catchphrase on how Obama was going to “ram the health care bill down our throats.” Yikes, people. It’s a bill, not a cock.
* NPR’s 4:00 news promo was about a story on home remedies. “Coming up at 4:20.” We know exactly what you mean, NPR hippies.
* I think the big reveal at the end of LOST will be that the entire series was an extended, six-year promo for Hot Tub Time Machine.
* Next episode drinking game: take a shot every time a character says “I want answers!” Sometimes the dialog in LOST sounds like it is written by copying and pasting from Internet message boards. HURLEY: “D00Z tell US what’s going on!!!”
*The opening melody to Oh! Centra (and the whole song) is great.
All I Need Is a Monkey, and I’ll Be Set
Mar 3rd
I’m having a good day. I got some nice compliments from my friends and family. One of my clients brought me a mask from her trip to Mexico. I took a photo I’m happy with. And one of my dogs pooped right next to a trash can!
I know it’s cheesy to write a “Life’s like puppies and candles!” post, but these days don’t come often, so I want to appreciate it while it’s here.
Music Videos: OK Go and Hold Your Horses
Mar 2nd
Two awesome music videos released less than a week apart. You’ve probably seen them already, but in case you haven’t…
70 Million by Hold Your Horses ! from L’Ogre on Vimeo.
SotW: “Elephant Files”
Mar 2nd
Song of the Week is Montoire’s “Elephant Files.” You can hear the song on their site. My infatuation with the song died out after a dozen listens or so, but it’s entertaining enough to hear at least a few times.
Other stuff I’m listening to: I just downloaded the first half of “Fang Island” on a whim and am liking it tons. It’s electric guitar-heavy music balanced by a peppy, upbeat vibe. I’m listening to it as I type and the album’s exuberance is making me smile.
Peeps Diorama Contest 2010
Mar 2nd
The Washington Post’s Peep Diorama Contest is upon us. The deadline was tonight (Monday 11:59 pm.). I decided at the last minute to enter the contest. Here are the ideas I was thinking of:
1. The Blob. A Jello mold with Peeps stuck inside it, and a Peep in the clutches of one of The Blob’s two tentacles.
2. Peepo Jima. The raising of the American Flag on Iwo Jima with Peeps.
3. Peep Roulette. A take-off of Chat Roulette, the Internet service that randomly connects to another stranger with a web cam. The diorama would have been a Peep sitting in a chair in front of his computer with his pants down.
After deliberating for a while, I felt that all of these ideas were too derivative and didn’t fully express my creative powers . So I scrapped them all, brainstormed for a few hours, and finally came up with this submission. I can’t say it’s a guaranteed winner, but I’m pretty confident I’m in the running for the top 3.
Prankster \ Performance Artist Remi Gaillard
Mar 1st
Wikipedia describes Remi Gaillard as a French prankster, but he could as easily be described as a brilliant comedian. My favorite parts in this compilation video are where he takes famous icons and puts them in ordinary environments, like in the video’s intro (thanks, ni9e):
What’s Happening (sketch)
Feb 28th
The assignment this week was to write a sketch about current events. In our class, we start each sketch by casting people in the class to read the parts. I cast my classmates to play each other. It went over very well. I like how the song turned out, considering everyone was singing it for the first time and there was no tune to follow.
What’s Happening
CAST
Everyone.
Date: Now.
Scene: Here.
JASON
Jon, can you be Tara?
TARA (played by Jon)
Sure.
JASON
Tara, can you be Leon?
LEON (played by Tara)
Okay.
JASON
Using his sexy voice.
LEON (played by Tara)
(sexily) Okaaaaaay.
JASON
Leon, can you be Sean? Sean, can you be Jim? Jim, can you be Jessica? Jessica, can you be Anne? Anne, can you be Manuela? Manuela, can you be Pierce? And Pierce, can you read the stage directions?
Pierce gathers his internal chi and prepares to read the shit out of these stage directions.
MANUELA (played by Anne)
Before we start, can we get something to eat?
JASON
Depends. Does anyone like….COOKIES?!
Jason brings out a bag of cookies and offers one to fake Manuela.
JASON
Who else wants one?
JIM (played by Sean)
I do.
JASON
Here you go.
“Jim” begins eating the cookie.
JASON
Anyone else?
SEAN (played by Leon)
I’ll take one.
JASON
Here comes the cookie train.
JIM (played by Sean)
Milk.
Pierce wants a cookie.
JASON
Pierce.
JIM (played by Sean)
Milk!
ANNE (played by Jessica)
Cookie for me.
JASON
Cookie coming.
JIM (played by Sean) (yelling)
I NEED MILK!
JASON
M-m-m-milk cannon, coming up!
Sean, playing Jim, who’s playing Jessica, nervously wonders what the fuck is a milk cannon.
JASON
Just kidding. Milk slide!
Jason slides Fake Jim a quart of milk. Tara, the real Tara, not doppelganger Tara, begins to sniffle as she does not have a cookie.
JASON
Oh, Tara. You can have a cookie too.
TARA
Hooray for cookies!
JESSICA (played by Jim)
Hey, let’s sing a song about cookies!
JASON
Good idea. Everybody! One, two, three…
EVERYBODY:
“Cookie, cookie, cookie!
You go in my belly.
Cookie, cookie, cookie!
You go in my tum.
Cookie, cookie, cookie!
Gonna eat you up.
Cookie cookie, cookie!
Cause your yum yum yum.”
SFX: Applause.
TARA (played by Jon)
That was very nice, but it’s not quite what we meant when we said, “Write a current events skit.”
Obama’s Health Care Summit (sketch)
Feb 26th
Scene: Blair House conference room. Obama, along with Democratic and Republican leaders, sit around a table.
OBAMA: I’ll sum up my opening remarks like this. As controversial as the efforts to reform health care have been thus far, when you ask people, should we move forward and try to reform the system, people still say yes. They still want to see change. So I hope we can keep an open mind and find some common ground in the next six hours.
Democrats and Republicans shuffle nervously.
REP. BOEHNER (R): Did you say six hours?
OBAMA: Yes.
REP. CANTORr lets out a slow, long, whistle. Sen. McCain raises his hand.
OBAMA: Yes, John?
SEN. MCCAIN (R): Can I have the bathroom pass?
OBAMA: We just got there.
SEN. MCCAIN (R): But I have to go now.
OBAMA: Fine.
HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius hands McCain the Presidential bathroom pass. Sen. Schumer raises hand.
OBAMA: Chuck.
SEN. SCHUMER (D): Can I have the bathroom pass after McCain?
OBAMA: (sighs) Okay. But we have to get started.
Sen. Alexander, Sen. Reid, Sen. Baucus, and Rep. Camp raise their hands.
OBAMA: And no more questions about the bathroom pass.
Everyone puts their hands down.
OBAMA: I want to start with health care costs. Almost all of the long-term deficit and debt that we face relates to the exploding costs of Medicare and Medicaid. Almost all of it. (someone scoots their chair). That is the single biggest driver of our federal deficit. (chair scoots louder) And if we don’t get control over that (chair scoots louder) we can’t get control over our federal budget. (chair drowns out Obama) Who’s doing that?
SENATOR McCONNELL (R): (sheepishly) Sorry.
OBAMA: I want to start with the House Republican’s plan for reducing health care costs. Paul, I believe you’re up?
Rep. Ryan stands up and reads his report.
REP. RYAN (R): The Republican plan for controlling costs does a lot of cost controlling. It controls costs in several areas. Our plan has a lot of ups and downs, but I found it to be very interesting. In conclusion, I like our plan a lot.”
OBAMA: Paul. Look me in the eyes. Did you read your plan?
REP. RYAN (R): Of course I did! I read it last night!
OBAMA: Paul….
REP. RYAN (R):(looking down). No, I didn’t. I was playing Nintendo.
OBAMA: Okay, Paul. I want you to read your plan tonight and write me a summary tomorrow.
House Leader Nancy Pelosi waves her hand excitedly.
REP. PELOSI (D): Mr. President, Mr. President! Can I go next?
OBAMA: Sure, Nancy.
SPEAKER PELOSI (D): The House Democrat’s plan is a tale of loss and redemption, full of well-researched detail but also drama. One of the biggest surprises was when the main character, the public option, got killed midway while writing the bill. The bill is so good that, although it is over 2,220 pages, I read it twice.
Pelosi beams.
OBAMA: That’s very nice, Nancy.
REP. BOEHNER (R): Hey, you’re calling on Democrats more than Republicans. You like them better.
REP. RANGER (D): That’s not true, Bo-ner.
REP. BOEHNER (R): You take that back.
REP. RANGER (D): Make me.
OBAMA: Quiet! You know, it’s close to lunch. Let’s take a one-hour recess and meet here a 1:00.
Democrats and Republicans hurriedly gather their things. They go to lunch, sitting at separate tables.
TMI–Drugs You Did Edition
Feb 25th
Saw this on a news-magazine show a few days ago:
INTERVIEWER: “What drugs did you do?”
PASTY CONVICT: “Crack. Cocaine. Marijuana.”
If someone asks you, “What drugs did you do?” and those are the three drugs you did, you can skip the marijuana. Really. It’s okay. Crack and cocaine paint a pretty clear picture. It’s like if someone asked you, “What crimes have you committed?” and you respond: “Rape. Murder. Eating too many Skittles.”
The only appropriate three-drug response to that question that includes crack and cocaine is this one: “Crack. Cocaine. And Crackcaine, a new drug I made up because I’m so fucking crazy.”
If you feel it necessary to list all three drugs, at least start with marijuana and build to a crack conclusion. Drug users today, they don’t know how to tell a story.
Also, why are shows like 20/20 and 60 Minutes called “news magazine” shows? If you have to use the word magazine to signal your stories are more substantive and in-depth than regular news, then there’s a problem with the news. You might as well call yourself “Less Crap News”. If I were news God, hour-long programs would be news shows, and everything else would be called news Skittles. “Tonight on FOX News Skittles: Is Obama preparing to force the military to ‘Taste the Rainbow’? Coming up, right after Glenn Beck’s Skittle Nation.”
SotW: “Answer To Yourself”
Feb 22nd
Song of the Week is from The Soft Pack, a punk-ish band that makes simple, catchy songs. Their music has an air of familiarity to it and doesn’t seem to break any new ground, but I enjoy their song “Answer To Yourself” a lot (see the sidebar for the link). “C’Mon” (same album) is also catchy.
Lost: Game Show (Sketch)
Feb 21st
CHARACTERS
PAUL, Host
LINDSEY, Contestant
CARL, Lindsey’s friend
Scene: Game show set, similar to “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.” Host and contestant sit opposite each other.
PAUL: Welcome back to The Hatch, the trivia show about LOST. I’m Paul Plato. Our challenger, Lindsey Cobb, is still on the island. She has $7,500 and has two plot twists left. Ready for Round 2?
LINDSEY: Woooo! LOST!
PAUL: Sounds like a yes. Let’s enter The Hatch.
Lights dim, spotlights on.
PAUL: For $10,000. LOST is most like which of the following shows?
A. Dallas.
B. Twin Peaks.
C. The Sopranos.
D. LOST is the most amazing show ever and can’t be compared to anything else.
Lindsey spaces out and doesn’t answer.
PAUL: Lindsey? 15 seconds left.
LINDSEY: Sorry. I was just thinking about how awesome LOST is. My answer is D. LOST rocks!
Lindsey plays air guitar.
PAUL: Lindsey? You just won $10,000! [applause] Next question. For $15,000. In a survey last week, 500 LOST fans were asked, “What is the biggest unanswered question so far in Season 6?” What was the most common response?
A. What the hell happened to Desmond?
B. What the hell is going on?
C. What the—?
D. The writers will provide answers, the writers will provide answers.
LINDSEY: D, D! The writers are going to answer all our questions. Oh my God. Desmond’s name starts with D. And Dharma. And one of the hatch numbers is 4. D is the fourth letter in the alphabet. Woah.
PAUL: Let’s see if you’re right. The answer, for $15,000, is…D! [applause] Okay, Lindsey. You can stop now and keep the $15,000. Or you can risk it all on one final question…for $25,000.
LINDSEY: I’m going to be like Sawyer on Juliette.
PAUL: Uh…
LINDSEY: I’m going for it! [Audience cheers.]
PAUL: Okay. For $25,000. Here is the question. When LOST finally ends–
LINDSEY: (hyper-ventilating) Oh, god. It’s going to end.
PAUL: There there. When LOST finally ends, which of the following theories is most likely to be true?
A. Jacob and The Man in Black are fallen angels.
B. The island is in a time loop.
C. The smoke monster was once Jacob’s slave.
D. The hydrogen bomb created an alternate reality when it exploded.
LINDSEY: Whew. That’s a tough one—
PAUL: Hold on.
E. The island moves in space and time.
F. Jack’s father was born on the island.
G. Hurley can see ghosts because he is a ghost.
H. All the characters are ghosts.
LINDSEY: Wow. Well–
PAUL: Still going.
I. Richard doesn’t age because he uses beauty products.
J. The whole thing will turn out to be a dream.
K. All of the above.
L. None of the above.
The question takes up ¾ of the screen. Paul and Lindsey poke her heads up above the questions.
PAUL: Remember, you have two plot twists left.
LINDSEY: Okay. I want to use the Jughead.
PAUL: Blasting half the incorrect answers away. Let’s launch the Jughead. SFX: Lost theme. And the choices that are eliminated are…none of them.
LINDSEY: What? How is that possible?
PAUL: Anything is possible in LOST, Lindsey.
PAUL stares into camera and makes jazz hands. SFX: Lost theme.
PAUL: What’s your next move?
LINDSEY: I’m using my last plot twist. I want to call my friend, Carl.
PAUL: Let’s put Carl on the line. SFX: Phone rings.
CARL: Hello?
PAUL: Carl, this is Paul Plato from The Hatch. Lindsey is here with a chance to win $25,000, and she needs your help. Are you ready?
CARL: Lindsey! I have so much to tell you!
PAUL: You have 30 seconds, go.
LINDSEY: Carl, I don’t have time to read all the choices. Just tell me, which theory do you think–
CARL: Lindsey, the season finale of LOST was leaked, and I watched it! It’s amazing.
LINDSEY: Don’t spoil it! Just tell me, which theory–
PAUL: 15 seconds.
CARL: You don’t understand. The Valenzetti Equation is real! It’s all about the doom of humanity. And there are two smoke monsters! And that’s after they ganged up and killed the third smoke monster!
LINDSEY: What?
PAUL: 5 seconds.
CARL: It gets better! LOST is an anagram! It explains the entire show. L, Love. O, the Others. S-
PAUL: Time’s up. Lindsey, you’re out of plot devices. We need an answer. You have 15 seconds.
LINDSEY: What does the S stand for? Security? No. Safety? Maybe. And the T. Time Travel! Yes!
PAUL: Lindsey, we need an answer. 5 seconds.
LINDSEY: But what does love have to do with it? Desmond and Penny! I get it now!
Sfx: Errnt.
PAUL: I’m sorry. The correct answer is…they were all correct answers. Any letter you would have said would have been correct. As I foreshadowed a few minutes ago, anything is possible in LOST. I’m sorry.
LINDSEY: Claire and Rousseau! Hurley’s visions! It’s all makes sense. I HAVE REACHED NIRVANA!
Lindsey slumps back into her chair, in pure bliss.
PAUL: Sounds like a fun place to be. Until next week, this is Paul Plato for The Hatch.
Was Jesus Gay?
Feb 19th
Elton John thinks that Jesus was gay. Let’s see: never married, different from most people, liked fine wine, had a lot of men following him…
Sounds right to me. I hope someone starts another well-thought out petition in response to this zany idea.
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