CAST
CLERK
AL
FRANKIE

Scene: Hardware store.

CLERK: How are you?
AL: I’m good. Real good. Hey, what type of tape you got?
CLERK: Lots. Electrical tape. Duct tape. Masking tape. Depends. What do you need it for?
FRANKIE: That’s none of your business.
AL: Frankie! [to clerk] We’re both stressed out because of our deadline. We need something with good sound absorbing qualities.
CLERK: We don’t have any tape specifically for absorbing sound, but duct tape’s pretty thick. There’s some on the end stand.

Frankie grabs duct tape. He pulls off a piece and puts it over his mouth.

FRANKIE: Mmmmph! Mmmmph!

Frankie makes thumbs up sign.

AL: Get that off. [to clerk] Sorry, he’s a goofball. A few more things. You sell rope?
CLERK: They’re in a few different places. Rigging is in aisle 2. Nylon in aisle 8. And heavy-duty camo in 22. Sorry, we’re still reorganizing the store.
AL: Which one of those is best for tying two things together?
CLERK: Like?
AL: Like tying the hands of a bear.
FRANKIE. Yeah, heh heh heh heh. A bear. In the woods. Where no one can hear us. Heh heh heh, that’s funny.

AL glares at Frankie.

AL: Do you want to go to the woods?
FRANKIE: Al, I was just kidding.
AL: I’m not. Now shut up. [to clerk] We really do appreciate your help.
CLERK: Yeah, look, it sounds like you guys need nylon. Aisle 8. It’s time for my break, so if you guys don’t need anything else…
AL: One more thing. Do you have any heavy-duty trash bags?
CLERK: What do you mean by ‘heavy-duty’?
AL: Something that could hold a large object. About six feet tall.
CLERK: Like a six-foot bear?
FRANKIE: Yeah, like a six-foot bear.
AL: No, not like a six-foot bear. Because bears are taller than six-feet, and a six-foot bear would be ridiculous.
FRANKIE: Well, they got to be six-feet at some point. They don’t start at four-feet and jump up to eight-feet.
AL: Frankie, I swear to God.

FRANKIE: Okay, okay. I got this, Al. We’re looking for something you could fit six one-foot midgets in.
AL: Mother of Mary.
CLERK: I don’t think midgets come that small.
FRANKIE: These aren’t midgets. They’re dolls of midgets.
CLERK: Well, you can fit six one-foot doll midgets into any large trash bag.
FRANKIE: These are dolls of midgets, glued standing on each other’s shoulders, so they’re equivalently six-feet tall.
CLERK: Gotcha. Aisle 6. They’re the body bags, above the regular trash bags.
AL: They’re called body bags?
CLERK: We don’t judge here at the Home Depot.

I’ll probably revise the end in a few days, but I can’t think of anything better right now.