When the Iranian protests started, some conservative columnists criticized President Obama for not denouncing the Iranian government and declaring the election a sham.

They were right. Nothing is more important in Iran than the words of an American president. Obama could have toppled the Iranian regime like a house of kabob sticks if he had spoken out.

How? The following may surprise non-American readers, but this is what happens whenever a U.S. President speaks out against evil.

1. The President says something.

Courtesy of Getty Images

Courtesy of Getty Images

2. His words are transferred to The U.S. Photoshop factory, where they are embossed and made shiny.

Courtesy of "How Stuff Works"

Courtesy of "How Stuff Works"

3. The words are strapped to the back of a flying unicorn, who soars overseas to deliver the words to the foreign leader in question.

Courtesy of All That Is Good In The World

Courtesy of All That Is Good In The World

4. After arriving, the flying unicorn hurls the words from the heavens like a javelin, killing the tyrant and making everyone yell “Yay!” and “We’re Happy!” And possibly other happy words, especially if the unicorn takes a poop, because unicorns poop Skittles.

iranruler

So when criticizing President Obama for his handling of the Iranian election protests, make sure to ask him this:

PRESIDENT OBAMA, WHERE ARE THE FLYING UNICORNS?!!! I AM USING THREE EXCLAMATION POINTS BECAUSE I AM TRIPLE ANGRY. PEOPLE SAID IF YOU WERE ELECTED, YOU WOULD FLY IN ON A UNICORN AND FIX EVERYTHING. SO DO IT. LEAVE THE UNICORN HORN POLISH AT HOME—JUST GO!!!!!

Sincerely,

Charles Krauthammer