For the past few years, my family has complained that I never read their emails. They also say I drive like a turtle with two broken legs, so I heavily discount everything they say for exaggeration. Although there are moments where I’ve been busy and forgot to write a response, I always thought I was doing a better job than I was given credit for.

But I have a horrible memory, so I could never defend myself against their accusations. I would regularly have conversations like this with my Mom or one of my sisters, Tina and Michele:

TINA: “How come you didn’t respond to that email about [MAJOR FAMILY EVENT]?”
ME: [MAJOR FAMILY EVENT]? When did that happen?
TINA: Ugh. We sent you an email about it five days ago. You just don’t read our emails.
ME: (sheepish) Sorry.
MOM: Why don’t you love us?
ME: I SAID I’M SORRY.
TINA: Ha ha. It’s fun annoying you. [high fives Mom]

On Saturday, I had almost the same conversation yet again about some email I didn’t respond to, but this time with a new twist:

TINA: “Hey, you know, I think we sent that to your other gmail account.”

My what?

I DON’T HAVE ANOTHER GMAIL ACCOUNT.

Let me revise that. I opened another gmail account five years ago based on my first and last name, but decided, like Thoreau, that an email address without a monkey reference in it wasn’t an email address worth having.

So I used the account for a few days and stopped. I forgot the password years ago. It took half an hour of guessing answers to my security question to finally log in. And lo and behold, the account is somehow stuffed with emails from my family.

Emails on travel reservations, new jobs, holiday plans, bodily injuries, it’s all there. There’s an announcement that my cousin Nicole had a baby (2 years ago), a request to edit a real estate ad (1 year ago) and an announcement of Tina getting her official job offer (2 months ago).

Here’s the thing. I never sent my family, or anyone, an email from that account.

Never. Just checked the sent folder. Completely empty. So not only have they been accusing me all these years for failing to fulfill my duties as a considerate, caring member of the family, they took it upon themselves to send dozens of messages to an email address that may not have even existed, may not have been my address if it did exist, and one that I have never, ever given them a shred of evidence or proof that I read.

They just kept sending emails to that address on blind faith, and also took it on faith that I was a lazy and thoughtless goober.

How do you not be insulted by that? I tell what’s going to happen now. One, I am claiming absolution for all past email offenses against my family. The evidence is tainted, the detectives incorrigibly biased. By the order of the court of Pancake City, the motion to dismiss all evidence is granted. [WHACK WHACK]

Two, this incident will now be my sword and shield against all slights and criticism flung at me by my family for at least the next few years. Oh, I drive slow? You know what’s really slow? Not realizing you’ve been sending emails for two years to an email address you shouldn’t even know exists.

Three,  in spite of the false blame I have received, I admit on rare occasions I have forgotten to respond to my family’s communicae. The house of which their opinion of me is based is not entirely made of sand.

Which is why I’m currently hunting for a program that can forge email headers. I’m not sure I can keep up with all their emails now that I’ll be receiving all of them. “Sorry, Mom. I would have responded, but you sent it to the other email address again. See?”

And if that doesn’t work, I can always change my email address again.