Obama to Nation: “Fuck this shit, I’m outta here”
In the wake of an epic financial meltdown that threatens to derail the U.S. economy for years, Barack Obama announced he was ending his run for President of the United States, declaring to a stunned nation, “Man, this is bullshit.”
In a boisterous and hastily-called press conference, Obama detailed his reasons for the decision. “I was prepared to fight global warming, reform the health care system, repair our crumbling roads, create a 21st century electric grid, find Bin Laden, end the war in Iraq, and bring peace to Israel and the Palestinians. But now you tell me I have to clean up the worst financial mess since the Great Depression too? One that’s going to plunge our economy into a recession for most of my administration while I take the blame? Fuck that. That’s fucking ridiculous. You guys clean up your own shit. I’m outta here.”
He elaborated: “From the time I was a little boy, I dreamt of being President one day. Of having the power and resources to enact a bold vision for the country, to set this great land on a path to a better future. Now we’re fucking broke. What the hell can I do when we’re $9 trillion in debt and got 1 billion Chinese hankering to cash their IOUs? I can’t even buy a three-fingered handjob now.”
Obama also revealed that he previously thought about quitting when Sen. McCain picked Gov. Palin as a running mate (”What is this, a reality TV show?”), when the media covered the faux lipstick-on-a-pig scandal for two days straight (”Why would I call her a pig? She’s a fucking MILF, for Christ’s sake”), and when he realized he was still neck and neck with McCain in the polls in spite of being his opponent’s superior in every possible metric and running as the exact opposite of one of the worst administrations in U.S. history.
Obama took no questions from reporters. After reading his statement, he threw his suit jacket on the ground, made an obscene gesture to the press corp, and dashed out a back exit, where he hopped on a motorcycle and yelled “See ya, bitches, I’m off to do my wife” as he rode away.
The new de facto leader of the Presidential race, Sen. John McCain, was unaware of the development until told about it by a reporter. When asked how he felt about Obama quitting, McCain replied: “Senator Obama would like to fool the American people that he is the quitter in this race. He’s not. I already quit in 2005, well before Obama even thought of quitting. That’s quitting you can believe in.”
It is unknown at this time where Sen. Biden will replace Obama at the top of the ticket, but it is unlikely as the Obama campaign announced plans to return all unspent money to its supporters along with a 20% off coupon to flights to Canada.
Alex, former rooms said,
September 19, 2008 @ 11:43 am
Jason - this blog posting is AWESOME. And yes, I’m still reading your blog. And yes, I’ll be calling you soon to get together, because I’m in and out of the city recently, and currently in. Perhaps we can watch the upcoming debate (next Fri) for old times’ sake? Or something else…
Seems you’re well and I’m glad to see it. Alex
[F]oxymoron said,
September 19, 2008 @ 11:51 am
I agree. This is awesome! My kind of news story too. … seriously, a three fingered hand job… a stroke of brilliance!
Mitch said,
September 19, 2008 @ 12:45 pm
20% off coupon to Canada?
Jason said,
September 19, 2008 @ 3:58 pm
Hey, we have to go somewhere. Canada is a nice place. Near by too–convenient. You better put a fence up because we’re coming over.
Debbie said,
September 20, 2008 @ 9:17 pm
I was already laughing out loud, then I came to the part about McCain and practically choked. OMFG. Great post.
A Canadian said,
September 20, 2008 @ 11:18 pm
Welcome to Canada. We don’t believe in fences, have great medical coverage and our politicians never get nasty (sometimes we don’t know there is an election until someone knocks on our door to tell us). Some of us like wine while others prefer beer. We took in the anti war youth so why not the anti McCain/Palin - I know I would run if it looked like I had endured Bush for 8 and then was faced with another 12 (McCain 4 & Palin 8). However before you come, please realize that the majority in this country want Obama just as much as you. Ripple effect.
Summer said,
September 21, 2008 @ 2:57 am
This is very well done satire, and it makes a good point. Do you write satire like this often? Cheers!
Tony Sidaway said,
September 21, 2008 @ 3:28 pm
Amen to that!
But I think he’ll be good. You’ll see.
amphiox said,
September 21, 2008 @ 3:41 pm
There is one small problem with this potential mass evacuation to Canada. While we have lots and lots of space, most of it is pretty harsh, climate wise. And while there are many places in Canada with climates similar to the US (at least the northern states), you will find many of us Canadians already in those places, seeing as we’re no more tough on average than you.
The empty places in Canada are empty for very good reasons, mostly. Particularly for our brethren from more southerly US locales, adjustment to the 10 month Canadian winter will be, shall we say, a challenge.
(It is a little known fact that Dante modeled his 9th circle of hell, where the betrayers go, on Winnipeg)
Brian Coughlan said,
September 21, 2008 @ 3:45 pm
Hilarious!!! Still ROTFLMAO.
Jason said,
September 21, 2008 @ 4:04 pm
Tony: I think Obama will be good too.
Amphiox: Nice try with your “While we have lots and lots of space, most of it is pretty harsh, climate wise.” You can’t deter us. We all know the truth about Canada: it is a land of paradise with free health care and all of the Gummy Bears you can eat. Bring out the welcome moose, cause here we come!
marc buhler said,
September 21, 2008 @ 6:55 pm
Nice.
This will give the Pharyngula readers (where I saw this mentioned…) a good chuckle, so watch the comments at PZ’s blog too.
Timothy Wood said,
September 21, 2008 @ 7:36 pm
No shit… if Palin gets elected I’m not going to grad school here in the US. No way. I mean… how hard can it be to assassinate McCain? All they have to do is not mush up his food enough.
Gingerbug said,
September 21, 2008 @ 7:44 pm
Happy to take any disaffected americans… come on up.
While harsh now, i daresay northern Manitoba and Northern Sask will be ever so lovely 20-30 years from now.
Invest now… think Vegas!
Pamela said,
September 21, 2008 @ 7:54 pm
I had the same thought yesterday - why would anyone want to call next to lead this country? Hells to the nawh. God bless them both. Especially the senator from Illinois.
Shain said,
September 21, 2008 @ 8:20 pm
This actually made me laugh so hard that my chest hurt. If you’re going to quit, you might as well quit with style.
Jack said,
September 21, 2008 @ 9:31 pm
Thank goodness for the internet! If it weren’t for this outlet, more ignorant people like you would be wandering the streets spewing nearly incomprehensible crap like this for everyone to step over. Stay home next to your PC, it’ll be better for us all.
HP said,
September 21, 2008 @ 9:45 pm
Now, hold on a second. I want to clarify something: Are we talking two fingers and a thumb, or just the first three fingers and no thumb?
Jason said,
September 21, 2008 @ 9:54 pm
Shain: Thanks!
Jack: Actually, I read my blog posts out loud on my street corner Tuesdays, Thursday, and Fridays. So…yeah. Uncomfortable! Being nearly incomprehensible is actually why people come to listen. It’s like solving a puzzle. “What did he say then? Is that a new type of punctuation?” It’s just like Lost.
HP: Shit. This is why I need an editor. I don’t know. For convenience sake, two fingers\one thumb seems to be the way to go. Although if you had really long fingers, that would tip the scale to the Three Musketeers route.
I’m going to file this under “Conversations I Never Expected To Have”.
Krash Coarse said,
September 21, 2008 @ 10:49 pm
VERY entertaining! Hell, yeah… More disaffected Americans like some friends I already have up here in CDA. No problem.
Jack: if you don’t see the humor in this; f___ off!
HP: awkwardly brilliant! I don’t want my brain going to those places
brokensoldier said,
September 21, 2008 @ 11:23 pm
The only thing that would have added a hilarious punctuation to this satire would have been to have Obama - at the conclusion to this announcement, and prior to his hop onto the motorcycle - hold the microphone out at shoulder level and just drop it.
Temple Stark said,
September 21, 2008 @ 11:48 pm
Freaking hilarious. I may be able to use your talents at another political arts site. … If i remember this tomorrow it’s a sign
Sam said,
September 22, 2008 @ 1:06 am
Never seen this place before, just got it linked from a Warriors fan site. Dude, this is epic. You should write for The Onion or something.
Great work
Robert M. said,
September 22, 2008 @ 1:10 am
Impossible. Despite what these socialist sources say, including Chinas own internet poser army, China, through cheap manufacturing, piracy and plagiarism, owes the entire planet a world of debt that they may never, ever pay, in all probability. It’s not The Americans, or anyone else, who owe them such money. Chinas massive, mountainous debt and depravity will be its downfall, or the entire planets, especially as it continues to operate and grow out of hand so uncontrollably. Let’s all hope The Americans have a plan to rid themselves of the political Manchurian Candidate menace Obama before he does his intended harm to America and to The Planet Earth.
TGC said,
September 22, 2008 @ 6:00 am
Obama takes his donations from the mortgage companies and gives the country the finger. Satire? Wouldn’t surprise me at all.
Chelsea said,
September 22, 2008 @ 10:54 am
Wonderful satire! This made me laugh pretty hard for a few good minutes.
Isome Black said,
September 22, 2008 @ 11:24 am
I followed this link from Crooks & Liars. This is hysterical; thanks for a good laugh!!
Green Eagle said,
September 22, 2008 @ 11:33 am
That’s not quitting we can believe in.
dtlocke said,
September 22, 2008 @ 11:46 am
just visiting from pharyngula. nice post! very funny!
Becca said,
September 22, 2008 @ 11:46 am
The first two paragraphs were something I would be proud to send to my republickon family members, who are voting for Obama………the rest of it however, cancels that out.
Who Fan said,
September 22, 2008 @ 11:53 am
That is very funny stuff. I love the McCain “I can top that”
Lenny said,
September 22, 2008 @ 1:07 pm
I’d just like to chime in here to say “Three-Fingered Handjob” would be an awesome name for a punk band.
That is all.
Tory said,
September 22, 2008 @ 2:53 pm
Jason - you rock. Hi to Tina and the family.
Tory
T said,
September 22, 2008 @ 3:04 pm
This was frickin’ fantastic - thanks!!!
LAurel said,
September 22, 2008 @ 3:15 pm
Go get them gummy bears run, run run. We will be a better country for it!
Amanda said,
September 22, 2008 @ 4:01 pm
This is AMAZING. Had me in tears.
Wesley Satterfield said,
September 22, 2008 @ 4:23 pm
I don’t know what an MILF is, but now that Barrack has wisely stepped out of the race I think interest ought to be revived in Paris Hilton’s run. Remember her video a while ago? She’s got Moxie — and Money — and animal activists would like her: she’s never shot a Moose. Forget this quote: “Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.” She was just kidding.
People tend to get carried away with things they know very little about — war, economics, taxes, authority. Let’s get down to basic, natural reality that all can understand: the Moose. The Moose, like the Deer and Swine, has no plural. My concern is this: did the mother of five shoot and eat alces gigas, which is native to the territory she governs, or from her house did she shoot alces cameloides. If she shot the latter, she encroached on Russian territory and this would be an international incident and justification for Putin to declare war on us. He famously said, “Не столовой с моим лосей,” which is roughly translated as Don’t mess with my Moose.
Those of you who don’t know the different species of Moose should understand that the Siberian Moose is surprisingly tender and makes very succulent burgers.
So the choice is clear: are you pro-Moose or anti-Moose. I say save the Moose and prevent war with Russia. A shooter of Moose should not be a heartbeat away from the presidency of the United States, particularly when the heart is old and under pressure.
As I implied above, if you want a youthful, Moose neutral, real Media Star (Barrack was too educated and serious to rate as such), keep Putin at bay, write off Palin, write In Paris.
Kids — remember the 3 Ps.
Dallas said,
September 22, 2008 @ 5:11 pm
This is hilarious! I followed it from C&L and am sending the link out to everyone I know! Please, please write more!
HP: Brilliant question! Thanks for still another laugh!
Dances With Books said,
September 22, 2008 @ 6:35 pm
Oh this is so funny. Came here from Pharyngula as well. What I find scary is that some people (with less intelligence, to put it mildly) will actually read it and think it is real. I mean, in our college, Backwater Rural Branch (BRB) U., we do have some kids (and adults) who think The Onion is real.
Anyhow, for those of us in the know, funny. And hey, save me a spot up in Canada. I can learn to wear a parka and adjust to the cold. Do you need any good librarians up there?
Mona said,
September 22, 2008 @ 11:12 pm
This is the funniest f’ing thing I’ve read in a long time. I’m still in tears.
Samantha Vimes said,
September 23, 2008 @ 4:24 am
OMG, the part where McCain tries to braggingly out-quit Obama was perfect!
Dana Hunter said,
September 23, 2008 @ 9:12 am
Perfecto! Muchas gracias, y mucho mas, por favor!
I didn’t think anything could make me laugh today, but you had me dissolved. That 20% off coupon for Canada - priceless!
And Wesley - that was an excellent chaser!
Two Sentz said,
September 23, 2008 @ 9:32 am
Killer! I am linking to you from my blog! Take care.
Two Sentz
Diane G said,
September 23, 2008 @ 11:43 am
Oh MANNNNNNNN this is brilliant and hilarious.
Were only it was so. And jeez, here I thought I had some great one liners this morning ala :
“Normally understanding economics is about as easy for me as swallowing a VW and passing it sorted into its component parts in bags. ”
But this took the cake!
Your friends and fans at Wild Wild Left applaud you!
Chris Swanson said,
September 23, 2008 @ 1:43 pm
Ah… delicious… wonderful.
Nicely done!
EJ said,
September 23, 2008 @ 4:11 pm
I have been saying if McCain wins Im either moving to Vancouver, Toronto or Montreal….possibly Calgary, permanently. And yes Obama is not exactly getting the keys to a brand new car is he? Like a co-worker said
this morning: Its like leaving $20 on the counter at home and coming back to find a bill for 4 grand. Not cool.
Cyrene said,
September 24, 2008 @ 7:38 pm
I don’t remember how I got linked here, but I wish I did so I could thank them! At least I can thank you, though, for the funniest political blog post I’ve read in a long time. I had tears of laughter in my eyes within the first sentence.
T Jeff said,
September 24, 2008 @ 11:03 pm
If we could be serious, just for a moment. Oh wait, I’m not a Repug! I don’t have to be serious. Ever notice how humorless and serious the people who fear Barak really are?
I have to clear up a couple things. First, about MILF. Ha–you thought I was going to explain it means “mom I’d like to f–”, but no! Google can help you figure out that, along with “Flurge.” I want to say that insanity disqualifies all forms of physical attractiveness. And I want to confirm the rumors: Sarah Palin is in fact Ann Coulter in heavy makeup. Am I the only person who thinks she’s more eerie than attractive?
About the Canada deal, with her love of moose hunting, you have to know that Sarah plans to follow the “Republican Vice President Doctrine” of convincing clueless Chief Executives to invade sovereign nations so she can take over our great northern neighbor. This is not such a great stretch. It’s time to reveal that global warming is in actuality an industrialized nation plot to create more hospitable land in–sorry–Canada. We were coming anyway, eh, fellas. But there is an alternative. If the unthinkable happens on election day, I’m by-god taking my family and moving to Vermont to help with the succession movement.
Egads said,
September 25, 2008 @ 8:57 am
Brilliant post! Do you think this is where McCain got the idea to “suspend” his campaign?!
Brent said,
September 25, 2008 @ 10:37 am
I could’nt help imagining Dave Chappelle playing this role…Brilliant!
Jason said,
September 25, 2008 @ 10:56 am
Dave Chappelle would have a field day with this campaign.
Egads, at this point, nothing would surprise me about John McCain.
Wesley Satterfield said,
September 25, 2008 @ 3:26 pm
How must Dick Cheney feel?
Think about that!
I always thought of Katie Couric as a lightweight but she sure shines interviewing Palin.
What must all the foreign heads of state who met with her be thinking about America?
I can’t wait for next Thursday’s V-P debate. Tune in. Unless it’s suspended because Moose season is beginning.
Sean Lawton said,
September 25, 2008 @ 9:31 pm
Fantastic! Maybe one of your best. I hope to see more.
David Barnes said,
September 27, 2008 @ 1:24 pm
There are people in this country who are ignorant enough to believe that this article is all true.
Anthony said,
September 30, 2008 @ 11:43 pm
Man that’s hilarious and I’m not even American!