Pancake City

* Two bags of Peanut M&Ms
* Two bags of Combos (one Pizzeria, one Cheddar Cheese)
* Two quarts of Power Ade (Red and yellow. The colors seem to have no connection to the flavor.)
* Box of Corn Pops
* Nutra-Grain bar (got to eat healthy)

I didn’t bring a basket inside CVS, so I was carrying it all in my arms. I had a huge grin on my face. The best part was when this little kid, who could barely reach the handle bar of the cart he was pushing, saw me walk past him. He looked at my bounty in awe. Whoever said childhood is the happiess days of one’s life never ate a lb. of Peanut M&Ms.

Where ARE the posts?

Good question. I don’t know. I’ve been looking in every nook of my brain, but every time I find a chocolate-chip cookie and get distracted.

Honestly, don’t expect anything substantial for the next few days, although I expect to have some time over the weekend to come up with at least a few entries.

Daily post…hmmm. Let’s see. Um, how about that local sports team? They’re really looking sporty this season.

I’m at a creative road bump at the moment. A more “kangarooy” writer would be able to hop right over the bump and throw her Joey at incoming traffic (to make an artistic statement about the horrible NBC show, Joey!”) But I am not a kangaroo. At the moment. I’m not tying myself down with genetic engineering progressing at the rate it is.

If I could be any animal for a week, it would be a monkey. There are a lot of people I want to throw poop at. Give me a pair of roller skates, a box of bran, and a pass to the President’s next public appearance, and we’re going to have some fun.

Second on the animal list: a bird. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because—oh, wait. I got it. Pooping on people.

Man, I need some culture.

Third on the list: Grizzly bear. Do they really like honey? If so, how do they get their paws in the tiny jars? I will discover their secrets. And eat a filmmaker or two.

Fourth and last: Triceratops. With omni-directional spotlights on my horns. Wouldn’t it be great if an extinct creature returned to life, and it was already prepared to be mass marketed? Yes, it would! Tricera Tops ice-ceram! Pop the top and gobble down the three-horned flavor.

In a way, it’s odd to declare how many posts I’m going to write in the next day. Isn’t the point of being an unpaid writer to write whatever, and whenever one wants? But it’s the only way nowadays that motivates me to write, so…

I will be writing on days this week whose names are Greek or Norse in origin. I will NOT write a post on any day with a connection to a Roman god, and I NEVER WILL. Sorry Saturn, but Pancake City is taking the weekend off. Also, because I know nothing about Greek, Norse, or Roman mythology, except that Saturn fact I just looked up on Google, I will write a post every day from Tuesday to Friday, which may coincidentally fit the criteria mentioned above. if ti does, it is because I am a genius and I planned it that way.

Well, I managed to go for months without my first post about poker, but I need to put this on my web page to qualify for a free, online tournament:

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 6145316

This will probably be my first and last post about online poker. I’ve read other poker blogs. They’re horrendously boring, and I love the game. Talking about poker to people who don’t play is the equivalent of showing them your 500+ photos from your trip to Bangladesh. It’s very interesting. For you.

The random rundown:

* I’ve been playing online for several months.
* I am not rich from playing.
* I am not poor from playing.
* Yes, I probably spend too much time playing.
* I know all the poker lingo, and I find it increasingly difficult not to use it in everyday conversation, especially “gg” and calling people donkeys.
* My favorite poker games are Follow the Fries, Big Slick, Who’s the Daddy?, and Red Ball #5.
* That was a poker joke! I made all those names up!
* This is why I don’t write about poker on the blog.
* When I started playing, I promised myself that if I ever lost my initial deposit, I would quit.
* That’s still true.
* Poker is closer to chess than roulette.
* Seriously. It requires math, psychology, deductive reasoning, emotional awareness, emotional control, and an ability to learn. It’s why I get annoyed when people consider it “gambling”.
* I’m not sure how much longer I will play. There are better ways to make money, but they are not as much fun.
* I still smile when I think of JJProdigy’s excuse when he got caught having multiple accounts: “It’s not my account. It’s my grandmother’s account.”
* Again, this is why I don’t write about poker on the blog.

[Scene: Satan is at his office desk, reviewing the quarterly torture reports.]

SATAN: [mumbling] “Whippings, down 2%. Boiling, down 7%. Sheesh, rack 352 is still busted?” [knock on door]. “Come in.”
EDWARD: “Sir, if I may have a moment of your time?”
SATAN: “Hurry up.”
EDWARD: “Well, I just wanted to say…HAPPY DEVIL DAY!!!”

Edward, Spike, Rock Man, Gary the Imp (the Gimp), Cerberus, and the Exploding Pixies rush in with what looks like a Fudgie the Whale ice-cream cake, red and black confetti, and party streamers.

EDWARD: “One, two three…” [all] “Hap-py Dev-il Day To Youuu, Hap-py Dev-il Day TO Youuu…”
SATAN: “What the hell is going on here!”

The party goers fall silent.

EDWARD: “My lord, it’s 6\6\06. Devil Day.”
GIMP: “You’re the devil. You’re my boss.”
SATAN: “Excuse me?”
GIMP: “Can we eat ice-cream now?”
EDWARD: “666. The devil’s number.”
PIXIES: [squeaking] “666! 666! 666!”
GIMP: “Hee hee. I like that song. 666! 666! 666!”
SATAN: “Somebody zip his mask up.”
EDWARD: “Sir, no!”
ROCK MAN: “Rock Man ‘Zip It Up’ Old School.”

Rock Man raises his fist and lowers it on Gary the Imp’s skull, knocking him unconscious.

EDWARD: “ ‘Zip It Up’ is the latest Rock Man slang for “crush stuff” .”
SATAN: “You want to send me an email, next time? Spike, Cerberus, take him out. Actually, everyone out. Except you, Edward.”

Everyone except Edward leaves.

EDWARD: “My lord, I was only trying to lighten up the atmosphere. Morale has been low ever since you removed Sulfur Friday’s, you know.”
SATAN: “666? The devil’s number?”
EDWARD: “Well, I can explain.”
SATAN: “What happened to five? I specifically told you over two millennium ago to make five my number.”
EDWARD: “Five didn’t test well.”
SATAN: “ ‘Didn’t test well?’ I’m the Lord of Freakin’ Darkness. It shouldn’t matter.”
EDWARD: “But humans use five all the time. High five. Nine to five. Hawaii Five-o. After a few dozen years, it lost its panache.”
SATAN: “ ‘Panache’? Edward, Rule #17.”
EDWARD: “Sorry, sir. No French in Hell.”
SATAN: “So now I’m stuck with 666?”
EDWARD: “I’m sorry.”
SATAN: “Well, I guess it could be worse. So when’s the next Devil Day?”
EDWARD: “Let’s see…” [Edward flips through his day planner] That’ll be…1000 years from now.”
SATAN: “Great. He gets one day every year, and I get one day every millennium. And they wonder why I’m bitter. [sighs] Bring over, Fudgie.”
EDWARD: “About Fudgie. I should warn you that—“
SATAN: “This isn’t Fudgie the Whale! This is Jonah and the Whale.”
EDWARD: “They were out of Fudgie. But this looks just like him, and the clerk told me that the carrot cake is delicious.”
SATAN: “Carrots? If I wanted to eat carrots, I’d go to heaven. Just leave. Give it to the Gimp when he wakes up. And tell him to unzip his mouth before he eats.”

This is a placeholder for an upcoming post. I know it’s a little silly, but it will help motivate me to write it when I get home today.

It’s nice to know that when everything is going wrong, you can still pick yourself up by bashing a gay person. We’re the chocolate of bigots.

While descending from the peak of Mount Everest, a mountain climber collapsed and his friends, thinking he was dead, left him behind.

Later, another climber check on him, found that he was still alive, and helped him make it to camp.

CLIMBER1: “Cheers, everyone! We did it!”
CLIMBER2: “To us!” [they clink champagne glasses and drink]
CLIMBER1: “Hey, you know who that looks like?”
CLIMBER2: “Where?”
CLIMBER1: “I swear that looks like…oh my God.”
LINCOLN HALL: “Hello, guys.”

[CLIMBER1 and CLIMBER2 smile uncomfortably]

CLIMBER1: “Lincoln! You’re alive!”
CLIMBER2: “We’re so happy to see you. We thought you were dead.”
HALL: “I know. I saw your boots kick snow in my face as you left me behind.”
CLIMBER1: “Yeah, about that. Look, we really thought you were dead.”
CLIMBER2: “Super dead. We would have carried you back if you were just dead.”
CLIMBER1: “You weren’t moving at all. Or breathing.”
CLIMBER2: “You looked lifeless.”
HALL: “I was clinging to your leg for dear life, Charles. Before you shook me off.”
CLIMBER2: “Oh, that was you?”
HALL: “Who did you think it was?”
CLIMBER2: “…Polar bear.”
HALL: “YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS A POLAR BEAR CLINGING TO YOUR LEG ON THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST!”
CLIMBER2: [sheepish] “Or a penguin.”
HALL: “I’m going to kill you guys.”

WORK DOG: “Hello. This is Doginos.”
HUNGRY DOG: “Hi. I’d like to order a crumpled-up tissue.”
WORK DOG: “Any toppings?”
HUNGRY DOG: “Yeah. Ants, chicken bones, and…hmm, how bout extra gum?”
WORK DOG: “That it?”
HUNGRY DOG: “That’s it.”
WORK DOG: “Okay. Your total is $5.97, and your order will be ready in ruffly 15 minutes. How would you like to pay for it?”
HUNGRY DOG: “My master’s credit card, of course.”
WORK DOG: “What’s the number?”
HUNGRY DOG: “Um….I can’t read. Can I just chew it for a few minutes?”
WORK DOG: “That’ll work. You can pick up your tissue by the tipped-over trashcan on the corner of Elm and Piedmont.”
HUNGRY DOG: “Excellent. I’ll drag my owner over there as soon as possible. Thanks.”

I’ll be writing a new post every day for the next five days, starting today.

Michele, my sister, went to see The Da Vinci Code last weekend. When the credits began rolling, a woman in front of her yelled, “That was good! The critics were wrong!”

Michele then yelled, “I’m Roger Ebert’s wife! Fuck you!”

Okay, Michele didn’t really say that. But why? I know you were thinking it. It’s not like people were going to think, “That first lady, the one shouting to one in particular, she had a good point. But I don’t know what Roger Ebert’s wife was thinking about.

I don’t understand the appeal of watching The Da Vinci Code for those who read the book. I look forward to movie adaptations of books that create a rich, elaborate world, particularly those of fantasy and science fiction. The Da Vinci Code’s idea of cleverness is to use italics on evey page. (Seriously. Do you have the book with you? Open it. Any part. Italics. That’s how you know he’s thinking.)

What is interesting about the book are the ideas behind it, not the world constructed to support the ideas. Am I wrong? If you read the book and are looking forward to seeing the movie, tell me why.