Pancake City

How homophobic is Virginia?

Gay marriage is already barred under state law. Enough? No. A constitutional amendment was proposed to prevent not only marriage for gay people, but any type of same-sex partnership.

The amendment has to be approved by both houses in the state legislature two years in a row before being brought to the voters for approval. It did so overwhelmingly both years. The governor, a moderate Democrat (or in Virginia, a left-wing radical) is against the amendment. His argument? The amendment is so loosely worded that it may deny the rights of other straight people.

Wow.

Canada, sorry for poking fun at you last week. We need a foreign exchange program. Half of Virginians for the same number of Canadians. We don’t have ice hockey, and our beer isn’t that great, but you can legally carry a gun in the state house (I found this out when one of the delegates accidentally discharged his weapon last week).

The best time to play a practical joke is on your death bed.

If I have a kid by the time I die, I’m going to call him by my bedside, motion him to lean in, and then whisper in his ear: “You were adopted.” [urrk]

Famous people are lucky. They can play the best jokes on their death bed.

John Glenn: “The moon landing was faked.” [gaarr]

Eric Clapton: “I shot the sheriff.”
Family Member: “We already know that.”
Eric Clapton: “Oh. Well then, I shot Kennedy.” [aaaggg]

George W. Bush: “I peed in the reflecting pool.”
Jenna: “Dad, why are you telling us this?”
George W. Bush: “It’s one of them practical jokes, you see. You tell them right before you die.”
Barbara: “But you’re not about to die. You’re still President of the United States.”
Jenna: “You went jogging this morning.”
George W. Bush: “Damn CIA. Gave me faulty intelligence.”

The election results for Canada’s next Prime Minister will be announced tomorrow. Which brings up an obvious question: Canada has elections? Good for them. Just like a real country.

(Look, I need a warm-up people. You don’t serve aces without some practice, and Canada’s my automatic ball machine.)


“Lay, Skilling Ask to Postpone Trial”
How’s 2017 work for everyone? No? Shit.

My roommate was watching a History Channel show on “USOs: Unidentifed Submerged Objects.” Essentially, they’re UFOs that swim under water. Here’s a typical line from the show:

NARRATOR: “Some researchers believe that the lost city of Atlantis is the home base for USOs.”

How many takes the narrator went through to say that without snorting milk through his nose, I don’t know.

The show references an event many years ago on a dark night (of course) where “hundreds of objects burst from the ocean and flew into the air.” One of the producers found a 911 recording of someone calling in about the event. Here is the beginning of the dramatic conversation, which I swear I am not embellishing a bit:

OPERATOR: “911.”
CALLER: “Has anyone reported anything unusual tonight?”
OPERATOR: “Uh…..can you be a little more specific?”
CALLER: “Anything involving lights?”

And was the caller arrested afterwards for crimes against humanity? No. And some say there is justice in the world.

I saw a bumper sticker that said, “Autism—Solve the Puzzle”.

I thought this was a pithy way to point out the lack of attention the medical community pays to the easily solvable disorder of autism.

That’s why I came up with more bumper sticker slogans to raise awareness of common health problems that could be eliminated if physicians in the medical community would stop poking each other in the butt with needles and start Doing Their Jobs.

Diabetes—Do Something!

Cancer—Thanks a Lot, “Doctors”

Lou Gehrig’s Disease—Hello? It Affects More Than Lou Gehrig, People

Heart Disease—Get Off Your Asses, Already. And Even If All the Words Weren’t Capitalized in This Absurdly Long Bumper Sticker, Asses Would Still Have a Capital A

The Jetsons Don’t Have Kidney Failure. Why Do We?

Death–Gimme a Break

Face Transplant Patient Smokes Again

On the cover of a “special” edition of Newsweek:

AMERICA’S HOTTEST COLLEGES!

“Woo hoo! Show your tits, Princeton!”

“It’s Colleges Gone Wild. [cue island music] You won’t believe what these colleges will do to get your tuition money.”

Sign I passed on the road:

“SINGLE ???????
CALL (703) xxx-xxxx”

I wasn’t going to call at first, but the 7th question mark reeled me in. Question marks 1-6 were bland and pedestrian. Six questions marks? If I wanted to see that, I’d read the opinion page in a college newspaper. But that 7th question mark blew my pants off and my phone in my hand. Not that I had any reason to have my pants off–I’m single–but sometimes the Duke brothers and the General Lee need to smell the fresh air of innovation.

I actually have some material brewing around in my head, but I’ve been in a lazy mood recently.

Anyway, it’s much easier to post links to other people’s comedy.

Chuck Norris Facts

Hilarious.

“There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.”

I just realized I was wearing my button-down shirt inside out the entire day. I don’t blame anyone for not pointing it out. If I saw an unshaven man who smelled like he didn’t shower that morning and was wearing his shirt inside out, I’d avoid him too.