Pancake City

My benchmark for physical fitness is the amount of groceries I can carry from my car to my townhouse. You may be able to bench 10×3 reps of 200 lbs., but can you lift $48.27 of groceries in one trip…post coupon?

When will ESPN2 stop airing the Strongman Challenge and show an event relevant to the common, everyday consumer: The Green Giant vs. Brawny. I have Brawny close to pinning The Green Giant until the little, green asparagus kid sneaks up behind Brawny and whacks him with a chair.

Speaking of Brawny, why is the company’s mascot a lumberjack? Starfish doesn’t put a fisherman with a spear through a dolphin on its can. And although it would be funny to see Bill Cosby ride in on a hoofless horse, I don’t think Jello wants to change their image. “Remember, if it can’t clippity-clop, it’s part of a Jello Pudding Pop!“

Against the warnings of our quivering stomachs, a few friends and I stopped by Taco Bell after hours. Only the drive-thru was open, but we didn’t have a car. Giant photos of fried gorditas tempted us through panes of bullet-proof glass. (I’m not positive the glass is bullet-proof, but it is definitely kick-proof.) We walked up to the drive-thru window. The attendant, possibly an Texas oil man in his day job, pointed to a sign: “TACO BELL CANNOT SERVE WALK-UP CUSTOMERS AT THE DRIVE-THRU.”

In a moment that I hope will shut up all those “School is cool” losers, I shrugged my shoulders and said, “I can’t read.” He rolled his eyes and took our order. Victory! Illiteracy 1. Stomachs 0.

“Ronald Reagan Building To Be Renamed Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan Building”
“It’s time we honor our former President properly”, says Lott.

“Kidnappers Kidnap Baby Goat”
“They took my pet goat!” cries kid.

You know those people who sit and home and wait for employers to call and offer them a job? I think they work too hard.

(Has it really been six days since I posted? Sheesh.)

“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
For the beef?

Slogan of a group of commando McDonalds executives raiding PETA headquarters:
“For the beef!”

Call after a golfer’s drive heads wildly off-course over a pasture of cows:
GOLFER: “Fore!”
FARMER PEERING OUT HIS WINDOW: “The beef!”

for the ‘Daily Show Chat’ and ‘KEG Party’ posts.

Mo Rocca is giving an online chat tomorrow for the Washington Post. I submitted this question:

“Hi Mo,

Let’s say a little boy (bald headed, very cute) has cancer, and his dying wish is to be a writer for The Daily Show. “Oh,” he says, his trembling hand clutching a stalk of broccoli, “How I wish I could write for my favoritest show, before I die….OF CANCER.”

Now let’s say said cancer-stricken boy is slightly older and probably doesn’t have cancer, although the boy/man can’t afford health insurance so who really knows? And he’s not bald, although everyone in the hairazzi enjoys pointing out that he’s balding.

Is there any way this person could get a chance to write for The Daily Show, even if it means cleaning Mo Rocca’s toilet with the gold toothbrush Jon Stewart gave him for his loyal service? How does a 26-year-old writer get his foot in the Dream Store that’s selling his fantasy of writing for his favorite show?”

UPDATE:
Mo responded to my post.
MO: “This email is truly sick. How can you even joke about using my gold toothbrush to clean my toilet?!”

It wasn’t the “Here’s my cell phone number, let’s chat” answer I wanted (I was hoping that he would be drunk by the time he responded to my post), but it’s cool that he responded.

I figured it out. There is a God. And he decides the temperature with a dart board. How else can you explain that the temperature is going to drop 35 degrees in a day?

GOD: Today… [thump] 84. Tomorrow… [thump] 88. Yeah! God’s on a roll. Thursday…
JESUS: Hey God!
GOD: Woah! [clang] 52? Jesus!
JESUS: Hey. I just wanted to-a tell you that dee pepperoni pie is a ready.
GOD: Stop making fun of the Italians Jesus.
JESUS: Sorry sir.

The Maryland Cow Nipple, the humor newspaper at the University of Maryland, has been running a hilarious campaign to overtake the SGA. Their platform is based on a long series of ridiculous promises, like “Free parking for textbooks”, “Strengthen honor code through intense weight lifting”, and “All fire alarms to play Highway to Hell”. They even got one of the cartoonist for the campus’ daily newspaper, the Diamondback, to feature KEG party candidates in the strip.

Ricky, the KEG’s party candidate for SGA president, has been going to all of the presidential debates. An actual quote from yesterday’s debate at the Black Student Union:

MODERATOR: “How would you improve minority retention within the SGA?”
RICKY: “Candy.”
MODERATOR: “Mr. Gonzalez, if you can’t be serious, we’re gonna have to ask you to leave.”

The results are being announced today. Where can you check out this madness and mayhem? Right here.

UPDATE:
The Keg Party came in 5th out of 5 parties, but they got a respectable number of votes.

I finished my taxes today. I was going to wait until 11:59 P.M., strap a tape recorder playing “Mission Impossible” to the chest of my black jumpsuit, and throw a few smoke bombs as I burst through the Post Office window and past the line of stupefied civvies. But I decided to forgo the excitement this year and mail it early (4:30 P.M.).

Best unexpected good news this week: I found out yesterday that I don’t have to file my taxes in Virginia until May 1. See ya in 15 days, suckas!

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Karl Frinkle I get. But le bling bling de eminem?

The hits just keep on coming. Here’s the first line of my new single, “I Do It For You”, a song that only took me five mintues to write.

About once a month, in the shower, this song pops in my head.

I realized it was time to clip my toenails when last night I had a dream about clipping my toenails.