Pancake City
We live in an age of forgetting.
Storm Warning \ Watch \ Pondering
Feb 8th
I still get confused over what’s worse: a storm warning or a storm watch. Usually, watch signals more immediacy than warn. If a car is about to hit your friend, you wouldn’t say “Beware the incoming car,” you’d say “Watch out for that car!” You watch things that are going on in the present, like watching a TV show, and give warnings about things that may happen (“Stomp your feet one more time and I’ll…)
But that’s not how they roll in storm school. A storm warning is more serious than a storm watch. Watch is used to mean “keep an eye out for”, like a guard on the night watch. And warning, as far as I can tell, in storm talk means “You’re about to get fucked.”
By the way, a winter storm warning was just issued for D.C.
I think we need clearer storm warnings. Instead of “storm watch, ” if a storm may hit but we’re not positive it will, it should be “smells like a storm”. Instead of “storm warning”, if a storm will hit but hasn’t hit yet, it should be a “storm a-coming.” And both notices should always be delivered by an unflappable elderly farmer in overalls called Old Pete.
“Hey, Pete. What’s the weather look like tomorrow? Smells like a storm?”
“Oh, I’d say it’s more than a smell. Storm’s a-coming, you can bet your hat on it, I say.”
I’d certainly trust a weather forecaster named Old Pete more than some named Topper Shutt. What the hell’s a Topper? On another note, how soon is it before the D.C. area goes completely ape shit over the amount of snow we’re getting? Overall, people have handled the weather well,
You Got One of Those (Sketch)
Feb 7th
CAST
CLERK
AL
FRANKIE
Scene: Hardware store.
CLERK: How are you?
AL: I’m good. Real good. Hey, what type of tape you got?
CLERK: Lots. Electrical tape. Duct tape. Masking tape. Depends. What do you need it for?
FRANKIE: That’s none of your business.
AL: Frankie! [to clerk] We’re both stressed out because of our deadline. We need something with good sound absorbing qualities.
CLERK: We don’t have any tape specifically for absorbing sound, but duct tape’s pretty thick. There’s some on the end stand.
Frankie grabs duct tape. He pulls off a piece and puts it over his mouth.
FRANKIE: Mmmmph! Mmmmph!
Frankie makes thumbs up sign.
AL: Get that off. [to clerk] Sorry, he’s a goofball. A few more things. You sell rope?
CLERK: They’re in a few different places. Rigging is in aisle 2. Nylon in aisle 8. And heavy-duty camo in 22. Sorry, we’re still reorganizing the store.
AL: Which one of those is best for tying two things together?
CLERK: Like?
AL: Like tying the hands of a bear.
FRANKIE. Yeah, heh heh heh heh. A bear. In the woods. Where no one can hear us. Heh heh heh, that’s funny.
AL glares at Frankie.
AL: Do you want to go to the woods?
FRANKIE: Al, I was just kidding.
AL: I’m not. Now shut up. [to clerk] We really do appreciate your help.
CLERK: Yeah, look, it sounds like you guys need nylon. Aisle 8. It’s time for my break, so if you guys don’t need anything else…
AL: One more thing. Do you have any heavy-duty trash bags?
CLERK: What do you mean by ‘heavy-duty’?
AL: Something that could hold a large object. About six feet tall.
CLERK: Like a six-foot bear?
FRANKIE: Yeah, like a six-foot bear.
AL: No, not like a six-foot bear. Because bears are taller than six-feet, and a six-foot bear would be ridiculous.
FRANKIE: Well, they got to be six-feet at some point. They don’t start at four-feet and jump up to eight-feet.
AL: Frankie, I swear to God.
FRANKIE: Okay, okay. I got this, Al. We’re looking for something you could fit six one-foot midgets in.
AL: Mother of Mary.
CLERK: I don’t think midgets come that small.
FRANKIE: These aren’t midgets. They’re dolls of midgets.
CLERK: Well, you can fit six one-foot doll midgets into any large trash bag.
FRANKIE: These are dolls of midgets, glued standing on each other’s shoulders, so they’re equivalently six-feet tall.
CLERK: Gotcha. Aisle 6. They’re the body bags, above the regular trash bags.
AL: They’re called body bags?
CLERK: We don’t judge here at the Home Depot.
I’ll probably revise the end in a few days, but I can’t think of anything better right now.
Daily Sketch
Feb 5th
VOICE: Hey, where’s your daily sketch?
ME: This is it.
VOICE: This can’t be your daily sketch. This is a skit about writing a sketch.
ME: Yes, but it’s also a sketch. In fact, I’m going to cast it and put it on YouTube.
VOICE: Whose going to play you?
ME: Me.
VOICE: Walked into that one. And whose going to play a disembodied voice in your head?
ME: Ernest Borgnine.
VOICE: Do you know anything about Ernest Borgnine?
ME: Yes. He was in one of the early episodes of Simpsons.
VOICE: Do you know anything else about him?
ME: Yes. He sounds exactly like this.
ERNEST BORGNINE: I like crackers.
VOICE: You’re making this up. Your entire Ernest Borgnine knowledge consists of one episode of the Simpsons that you saw over fifteen years ago.
ERNEST BORGNINE: Row, Homer, row! I’ve got to get me some Skittles.
VOICE: That’s not even close to the quote. And if people could hear the Borgnine voice in your head right now, they wouldn’t be very impressed.
ME: Yeah, he’s starting to turn into Leslie Nielsen.
ERNEST BORGNINE NIELSEN: And don’t call me sherry.
VOICE: It’s Shirley! Don’t call me Shirley.
ME: Okay, Edna.
EDNA the VOICE: I’m out of here.
ME: See you tomorrow.
VOICE: You want me to tell them what voice you thought of after you changed my name to Edna?
ME: I’d prefer not.
HE-MAN: I HAVE THE POWER!!!
ME: I don’t think the Internet needed to know that.
Pancake City Snow News
Feb 5th
Movieless Family Forced To Talk To Each Other
My roommate said the line at Blockbuster was to the end of the store.
Of Age (Sketch)
Feb 4th
CAST
TOM (Customer)
CARL (Assistant Manager)
CO-WORKER
Tom is scanning items at self-checkout in supermarket. He scans a six-pack of beer and a yellow light flashes. CARL, assistant manager at the supermarket, approaches.
CARL: Your I.D. please?
Tom is unaware Carl is there and continues scanning.
CARL: Sir, I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D.
CUT TO: Outside store. Tom is walking to his car.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D.
CUT TO: Outside Tom’s car.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. sir. I need to see your I.D.
Tom unlocks door. Tom and Carl get in.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. I—
CUT TO: Tom’s house. Tom and his family are eating dinner.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. sir. I need to see your I.D. I need..oh, thank you. [Daughter passes him mashed potatoes.] I need to see your I.D. I need–
CUT TO: Bedroom. Carl is in bed with Tom and his wife.
CARL: –to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D. Sir. I need to see your I.D.
CUT TO: Bathroom. Tom is showering. Carl, clothed, is in shower with him.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. sir. I need to see your I.D. I need to–
CUT TO: Conference room. Tom is giving a presentation.
TOM: Our sales were down 5% last quarter, but considering the industry as a whole is down 20%, things could be worse.
CARL: I need to see your I.D. I need to see your I.D. Sir, if I could see your I.D.
CO-WORKER: Carl, who is that guy?
Tom turns to Carl and is startled, as if seeing him for the first time.
CARL: Sir, I need to see your I.D.
TOM: Oh, O.K.
Tom take his I.D. out and shows it to Carl. Carl looks it over.
CARL: Thanks.
Carl stands uncomfortably in front of Tom’s co-workers and then slinks off screen. He pops back in to grab a doughnut, then leaves.
Snow!
Feb 4th
- Went to Giant around 3:00 p.m. today. Lines five carts deep. The checker, beyond the point of caring, told me “I hope we run out of food.”
- Any way we can all agree to call the snowstorm, “Weekend at Bernie’s II”?
- NPR said the reason we’re having so much snow this season is because of El Nino. When will NPR stop blaming the Mexicans for everything?
Request for Advice
Feb 3rd
So I’ve been writing this blog for over 6 years now, and the fact that I only have about 2 dozen regular visitors is a good sign that I suck at self-promotion.
My writing isn’t at the level yet where I’m writing one hilarious post after another. So it’s no grand injustice that relatively few people read what I write. But I feel it’s good enough to warrant, say, 100 regular readers.
I’d like your advice on ways I can promote my blog entries. Publicity isn’t my strength, so I’d appreciate whatever ideas you have, however big or small. That includes writing tips, ways to improve the design of the blog, how to get content noticed, and so on. If you have a blog, where did most of your readers come from? (I’m calling you out, lacochran).
When you have a chance, leave a comment with your thoughts or suggestions. Thanks!
Choke (Sketch)
Feb 3rd
Choke
CAST
CITIZEN, MUGGER, PASSERBY1, PASSERBY2, PASSERBY3
Mugger is choking Citizen from behind. Passerby1 enters.
CITIZEN: Help!
PASSERBY1: Hey! Let him go!
Mugger ignores Passerby1. Passerby1 goes behind Mugger and starts to choke him. Passerby2 enters.
MUGGER: Help!
PASSERBY2: Get off him!
Passerby2 starts to choke Passerby1. Passerby3 enters.
PASSERBY1: Help!
PASSERBY3: This is a No Choking Zone!
Passerby3 starts to choke Passerby2, creating a chain of 5 people choking each other. After a few moments, Citizen dies, then Mugger, then Passerby1, then Passerby2. Passerby3 surveys the four dead corpses in front of him.
PASSERBY3: Oh, crap.
#LostBaitFail
Feb 3rd
Just watched the premiere of Lost. No spoilers, all I will say is that it was satisfying and managed to answer a few questions while raising some new ones.
I was trying to bait some Lost fans, so earlier today I changed my Facebook status to “Anything good on TV tonight?” with the intention of pretending I never heard of Lost, is it any good, etc. Complete failure. No one who watches Lost responded, so all I got was a list of Tuesday night TV shows that suck because they’re not Lost. Asshatery unrewarded.
Lost: A Prelude
Feb 2nd
CAST
J.J.
ABE
DES (Rastafarian)
Scene: Living room. J.J. and ABE are sitting on bean bag chairs, sharing a huge joint.
J.J.: [takes long puff] You ever wonder if we’re real?
ABE: What do you mean?
J.J.: I don’t know. Maybe we’re just a brain in a jar. Or maybe we’re like characters in a play, and there are these gods controlling us.
ABE: If that’s true, we got some pretty lazy gods running our lives. Hey, quit bogarting the smoke monster. [J.J. passes joint.]
J.J.: Where is everybody? I thought Des and Amber were coming.
ABE: I don’t know, man. You want to hiking tomorrow? It’ll be nice. We can smoke some bud at the top.
J.J.: Can’t. Told my Mom I’d help paint her fence tomorrow.
ABE: Okay, Huckleberry Finn.
J.J.: What?
ABE: Huckleberry Finn. The kid that got in trouble and had to paint someone’s fence.
J.J.: That’s Tom Sawyer.
ABE: Whatever.
J.J.: You’re getting punched for not knowing your literature. [J.J. whacks ABE on thigh.]
ABE: [clutches his leg, laughing uncontrollably] You fucker. You gave me a Charlie horse.
J.J.: Pass the joint, you’re going to drop it.
ABE: I got it. [takes drag, then passes joint] Fuck, now I have to pee. Save some for me.
J.J.: I will if you don’t jack-off in there.
ABE: Fuck you.
J.J.: I know what you do in there. [ABE gets up] Hey, grab the cake in the fridge when you get back.
ABE: What? There’s a girl in your fridge?
J.J.: No. Cake. Man, you’re higher than I am.
ABE leaves. The door handle jostles, and someone knocks.
J.J.: Hold on, door’s locked. [gets up, opens door]. Des!
DES: Mon. How ya doing?
J.J.: Good, bro. [hugs Des] Join the party.
DES: [enters] Here you go. A geeft. [hands over small bag of weed]
J.J.: What is this?
DES: You say-eed you wanted to try something different. This is Jin-Su. From Asia. Very nice.
J.J.: Thanks, man. [peeks outside] Oh, shit, sun’s almost up.
ABE enters.
J.J.: Dude, what’s that smell?
ABE lifts up pants leg.
ABE: You gave me a bruise. I had to put some Ben-Gay on it.
J.J.: [laughs] Sorry. Come on. We got a lot of shit to get through.
Headlines
Feb 2nd
The Wash. Post. web site edition:
Budget calls for new spending
Plan for allotting money calls for allotting money? We live in a craaaazy world.
‘Don’t ask’ policy to change
New ‘You both can drop hints’ policy not much progress.
Study: Abstinence sex-ed works
“But we really need to have sex now,” say researchers of 5-year study. (link–it’s an interesting article)
Wizards falter late, lose to Celtics
Huge improvement over usual falter at beginning.
Obama answers questions submitted on YouTube
Thank God “MrBurrito999″ finally has a voice.
Pet Care Corner
Feb 2nd
My sister’s cat George became ill and had to go to the emergency room. They gave her an estimate for the tests, and he was diagnosed with a heart condition. The bill was around $2,000. I asked my Mom what she would do if it cost a few thousand dollars to treat Black Cat. She said, “Black Cat will go in a Black Bag.”
My Mom cracks me up.
Yeasayer’s Upcoming Album
Feb 1st
I rarely look forward to new albums, but I’ve heard two tracks so far from Yeasayer’s 2/9 album “Odd Blood” and they’re excellent. The songs, “O.N.E.” and “Ambling Alp,” were released early as free downloads. Pre-released songs are usually the best songs on the album, but I’ll still be downloading the rest of the album on faith when it comes out next week.
I’ve also downloaded a handful of tracks from Rjd2 and Four Tet’s new albums. Very good so far.
Any albums coming up that you are looking forward to?
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